The Rabbit

So I’m a Gemini, right?  And it’s the beginning of the year, right?  So like any self respecting girl I need to read my horoscope right?  And like any self respecting girl I go straight to the “Love in 2008” section, right?

Ok, so it goes like this…

2008 will be a year of exceptional intensity in your love life.  Blah, blah, blah…..With Jupiter and Pluto in your sexuality zone your libido will be running on high all year long.

You little beauty!!  Oh, wait a minute.  That’s not good at all.  I don’t have a boyfriend or husband.  And I’m not hanging out in the local pub in the vain hope that Mr Right Now will walk in.  Damn, where did I put my personal massager?  I know I unpacked it when I moved into the new house.  Shit, shit, shit (rummages though underwear drawer, sock drawer, linen cupboard).  Aaah, here it is, tucked safely under my froggy pj’s!

Yes, I admit it.  I own a vibrator (or personal massager as a friend of mine calls hers).  And I use it.  I’m not telling you how often, I need to keep some mystery about myself.  However, according to my horoscope, the rabbit is going to get quite a work out this year.  Bloody hell, I might need to upgrade!

I currently have a hot pink rabbit.  Hopefully you all know which one I’m talking about.  It has a bunny rabbit on one end and his ears….well, you get the picture.  A divorced girlfriend and I went shopping together and purchased our rabbits simultaneously.

The rabbit unfortunately has not quite worked exactly how I was hoping.  Maybe it’s me and the way I’m shaped.  But the friggen rabbit doesn’t reach the spot it’s supposed to stimulate.  It reaches up too high and just gets in the bloody way.  I’d have taken it back to exchange it for something else but I think the conversation would have gone something like this:

Sales Assistant (SA):  Can I help you with something ma’am?

Joders (J):  Yes, I’d like to return my (mumbles something unintelligible).

SA:  I’m sorry ma’am, I didn’t hear you.  What did you say?

J:  (looking around the store to make sure there’s no one there that I know) I said I’d like to return my vibrator.

SA:  Oh, of course.  What seems to be the problem with it?

J:  Well, it doesn’t work properly.

SA:  It doesn’t?  What sort is it?

J:  The Rabbit.

SA:  (loudly) Ohhh, the Rabbit.  It’s our most popular vibrator!

J:  Do you think you could speak a little more loudly?  My friends in the USA didn’t hear you.

SA:  (smirking) So, is it broken, then?

J:  Not exactly.

SA:  Then what…?

J:  It just doesn’t work like I thought it would.

SA:  So it doesn’t twist, turn, vibrate, gyrate and thrust?

J:  Yes, it twists, turns, vibrates, gyrates and thrusts!

SA:  Then the rabbit doesn’t wriggle, jiggle and tickle?

J:  Yes, the rabbit wriggles, jiggles and tickles!

SA:  Well ma’am I just don’t understand what the problem is.  The product twists, turns, vibrates, gyrates and thrusts and it wriggles, jiggles and tickles.  So what’s the problem?

J:  It doesn’t wriggle, jiggle and tickle the right spot.  It doesn’t fit properly.  When the twisty, turny, vibratey, gyratey and thrusty bit is in the right place, the wriggly, jiggly, tickly part doesn’t wriggle, jiggle and tickle the right spot.

SA:  Ma’am how do you know this?

J:  (looking at the SA like she’s the dumbest person in the world – I’m probably right about this) How do you think I know this?  I’ve tested the damn thing out, haven’t I?

SA:  Ma’am, if you’ve already used the product, we can’t possibly exchange it for something else.  We have standards of hygiene to uphold, you know.

J:  What about a refund then?

SA:  (regarding me from under a raised eyebrow) No, we can’t give you a refund either.  I suggest you contact the manufacturer and make your complaint to them.

J:  Right, thanks then.  I’ll just head back home and get no satisfaction from your most popular vibrator.  Thanks for all your help.  You’ve been marvellously helpful.

SA:  (smiling) You’re very welcome ma’am.  Have a nice day.

So for 15 months I’ve persevered with the rabbit.  Looks like I might get to upgrade this year after the poor bloody thing carks it from overuse.

Now, where did I put the supply of AA batteries?