When we left them, Orly’s Saviours were gathered around him studying his wee oui oui weird burn mark.
Joders: Exactly how did you meet the dingo, Whorely?
Orly: I went to the VS show in November 2006. I wanted to meet Heidi but she was with Seal. And then I saw Gisele talking to another model and I thought “here’s my chance, Gisele just split with Leo”, but then Tom Brady arrived and I was left with the other model. It was her.
Wanda: But you didn’t start dating then, did you?
Orly: Oh my no! I wasn’t really interested. I’d wanted a piece of Heidi or Gisele. And I kind of had a thing going with Pene of course. And then I had a little thing with Jennifer in Mexico. Then I had a call from Robin telling me that she’d organised a date with (cringing as he says the name) Randa at (cringing again) Randa’s request. And it just snowballed from there. I sort of liked her a bit at first. But when I got presented with the contract before Christmas last year I realised that I’d made a horrible mistake.
Anners: So why did you sign it, silly boy?
Orly: I didn’t want to. I went to see Randa, oh shit, the dingo, about it and that was the night that she burned me with the hot stone. And insisted on using the soothing lotion to help heal the burn.
Joders: (in a gentle voice, so as not to alarm Whorely) It’s not a burn Whorely, it’s a tattoo. She branded you like you brand cattle on a farm.
Anners: (catching on to Joders’ train of thought) So you signed the contract the next day, didn’t you?
Orly: (nodding) Yes. And then my career seemed to vanish in a puff of smoke. And then suddenly I’m all over the press in various states of undress and for no good reason. And the dingo is shooting her bloody dingo mouth off about how in love we are and how she’s a Buddhist and an environmentalist. And how she’s a very private person who doesn’t like to talk about her personal life.
Caiters: She got the mental part right, at least.
Joders: (jumping to her feet) I need a laptop, get me a laptop. Somebody? Anybody?
The other occupants of the room look around and shrug their shoulders.
Joders: (right hand raised in exasperation) I need a phucking laptop!!
A laptop appears in Joders’ right hand.
Caiters: Hmmmm. I think I want to keep this suit after this is all over.
Wanda: I don’t understand….
Ali-ers: Neither do I. But as long as Joders knows what she’s doing.
Wanda: That’s what worries me.
Joders: I heard that.
Anners: Joders thinks that there’s a link between the tattoo and what’s been going on with Whorely since the dingo came on the scene.
Joders: Ok, here we go….. www.google.com
Anners: You’re gonna google it?
Joders: If you can find out what a merkin and a fluffer is on google, there has to be something about this GISELEB thingy.
Joders’ google search yields thousands of results, most of them simply about Gisele. Finally on page 19…
Joders: Here! Here it is. (Reading the information to herself, eyes growing huge at the content). Oh no. Oh, this is bad.
Wanda: What? What’s bad? For the love of God, Joders, tell us!
Joders: (reading from the page) GISELEB is the name given to the phenomenon whereby a semi successful woman attaches herself to a succesful man in order to increase her fame. It came about after Gisele Bundchen attached herself to the infinitely more successful Leonardo Di Caprio in 2000 and resulted in her meteoric rise to fame which coincided with his loss of credibility. It is only when the man manages to extricate himself from the relationship that he has any chance of getting his career back on track. Alternatively the famewhoring female will extract all traces of success from her partner and leave him as an empty, lifeless shell of his former self.
Caiters: So Leo breaks up with Gisele, releases 2 new movies and gets Oscar nominations for them.
Anners: Is there more Joders?
Joders: (nods) Urban Legend has it that those women who worship at the Shrine of Gisele brand their men with a hot stone and use a secret brasilian herbal lotion to control their behaviour. How very Stepford of them.
Wanda: Does it say what GISELEB means? Other than it being her initials of course.
Joders: (regarding the other Orly’s Saviours with wide eyes, as the glare from the laptop lights up her face) Giselian Incarnations, Sucking Eternal Life to Emasculate Blokes.
Cue the sound of myriad gasps from Orly’s Saviours.
Joders stands up and begins pacing as she attempts to get her thoughts in order.
Joders: I would kill for a beer right now. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere in the world.
Orly dutifully hands a bottle of beer to Joders.
Joders: Um, thank you. But this beer is room temperature.
Orly: The way a good beer should be. That’s how we drink them in Britain.
Joders: We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto. I think I saw an ice machine down the hallway, I’m gonna get a bucket of ice.
Caiters: I’ll go Joders. You stay here and work out how we’re gonna get Whorely out of this mess.
Wanda: We’re gonna have to keep close tabs on Whorely and the dingo. If she gets the scent of what we’re trying to do, we’re dead meat. Every single one of us.
Ali-ers: You know what that means don’t you?
Anners: No. What does it mean?
Joders: (regarding Anners from under a raised eyebrow) It means that we’re gonna have to go sunbathe by the pool tomorrow. In swimsuits.
Anners: Oh no!
Wanda: Joders, about those swimsuits.
Joders: Good thing the small black rubber super hero suits came with matching swim wear I guess.
Orly: Would now be a good time to tell you that we have dinner reservations at the hotel restaurant tonight?
Ali-ers: I’ll go down to the restaurant and book us a table.
Joders: Check out the night club when you’re down there ok? Tonight might be my last night to drink, dance and drool over European men.
Meanwhile down the hallway as Caiters is returning with the bucket of ice.
Strange man: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Dingo!
Caiters: Clay? Clay Aiken?
Strange man: (turning to look at Caiters) No, I’m Zoot.
Caiters: (smiling) No, you’re Clay Aiken. And you were talking about the Dingo.
Clay: No, I’m Zoot of Castle Anthrax. Dingo is my identical twin sister. And she’s stolen Sir Galahad away from me. I need to get him back. Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Dingo! She is a bad person and she must pay the penalty.
Caiters: No, seriously…
Clay: (regarding Caiters with some suspicion) Do you know where Sir Galahad is? Are you in cahoots with Dingo? Are you plotting to keep Galahad away from me and out of my willing and deserving arms?
Caiters: I don’t even know who Galahad is.
Clay: (looking crazy eyed) You’ll need to be punished as well, young maiden. I shan’t let you disturb my plan for winning Galahad’s charms.
Caiters: (right hand raised) Baseball bat!
A baseball bat appeas in Caiters’ right hand and she promptly smacks Clay Aiken on the head with it, knocking him senseless. She leaves him crumpled on the floor in the hallway and makes her way back to Whorely’s suite.
Caiters: (bursting in to said suite) Guys, you’ll never guess who I just saw.
Anners: Since we’ll never guess, you best tell us.
Caiters: Clay Aiken!
Wanda and Joders look at each other in horror.
Caiters: But he was insisting his name is Zoot and that Dingo is his identical twin sister. And he was rabbiting on about Sir Galahad. He creeped me out, so I hit him on the head with my baseball bat. I thought he was going to attack me or something.
Wanda: Oh crap!
Orly: What’s wrong? I don’t get it. What’s wrong with Clay Aiken?
Wanda: The question should actually be what’s right with Clay Aiken.
Joders: We haven’t just got the dingo to worry about, we’ve got Zoot to worry about as well. And it’s our job to keep Sir Galahad over here (Joders motions with her head towards Whorely) safe from the virgins of Anthrax Castle.
Caiters: That’s it! He said he was Zoot of Anthrax Castle.
Orly: I still don’t get it.
Anners: Clay Aiken somehow believes that he is Zoot of Anthrax Castle, as in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Orly: Oh, I love that movie!
Anners: And he somehow thinks that the dingo is his identical twin sister as in Dingo and Zoot of Anthrax Castle. He thinks that he needs to save Sir Galahad from Dingo. So now we have 2 problems.
Orly: We do?
Joders: (mumbling under her breath) So gorgeous but so dumb.
Orly: Pardon?
Joders: Anners is right. We have 2 problems. We need to get you away from the dingo Whorely, but we now also need to keep you away from Zoot, sorry, Clay.
Orly: Why?
Joders: Try to keep up, sweetcheeks. Clay thinks he’s Zoot and he wants to get Sir Galahad, that’s you by the way…
Orly: Oooh, Sir Galahad!
Joders: Stay with me Whorely. Zoot wants to get Sir Galahad and he views anyone who tries to keep Galahad away from him as an enemy. That means us. So while he might do us a favour and keep the dingo away from you, he will try to get rid of us beause we’ll be keeping you from him as well. Zoot wants to shag Galahad’s brains out. That means Clay wants to shag your brains out.
Orly: (sounding confused) But why? Why would he want to do that?
Anners and Wanda shake their heads in disbelief.
Joders: Clay is gay. He wants to phuck you. Because he’s gay.
Orly: Ohhhhhhh! Oh, shit!
Before any further discussion can be had, Ali-ers returns. Accompanied by four familiar faces.
Ali-ers: Our reservations are made. And look who I found downstairs!
Afers: Oh my God! You’ve all got on one of those hot super hero suits. I want one. Can I have one?
Janers: Those suits have such potential for a camel toe girls. And they’d look better if they had a low cut V neck. The boots look great with them, though.
Daners: It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, isn’t it? I can’t wait to hit the night club tonight. Oh, is that a San Miguel? (Daners reaches for the bottle of beer that is nestled in the ice bucket, cooling for Joders, opens it and takes a long swig.)
Jennifer: I can’t believe I let you three talk me into coming to Gran Canaria. Joders, is your chest looking bigger than normal?
Scene fades to black as Orly’s Saviours look desperately at each other trying to figure out how to keep Whorely safe from Zoot and the Dingo and how to save the other 4 from themselves.
Stay tuned for the exciting pool scene in the next enthralling episode!
Filed under: Operation Abduct Orly | Tagged: Whorelando
GISELEB. Bwaaahhhhaaaa!!!!!
Do English people really drink warm beer?
^ Well, room temp.
Hahahahah – I love it Joders! Hilarious
“what’s right with Clay Aiken?” I can picture Wanda saying that too!
I couldn’t stop laughing when Clay Aiken came into the picture.
^ asdfghjklwe!!!!!! This is brazilliant!
He didn’t touch me inappropriately yet, Joders.
thnks for including me!! one stinkin line!
fyi: hitting clay with a bat is considered a hate crime haha!
giseleb, who knew it was a disease?
Aussies always rip the English off for drinking warm beer, Wanda. And according to friends who have travelled to Britain, it’s true!
Clay Aiken hasn’t made his final appearance yet.
Afers, you haven’t made your final appearance yet either. There’s plenty of time. And since this isn’t really real, there’s no such thing as a hate crime, so we can smack Clay with a bat as many times as we please.
Anners, I know he hasn’t touched you inappropriately yet, but there’s plenty of time. And I’m sure you’ll be pleased with how it all ends.
“A laptop appears in Joders’ right hand.”
That made me laugh out loud.
If only it worked in real life!
You’ll be pleased to know that you’ll get a happy ending as well. Just one question. If you were married to Russell Crowe, would you have a baby?
Hmm, would I procreate with Russell Crowe….
That would mean I would have less time for shagging with Russell Crowe, so maybe not.
Actually, you know what, if I found the bestest man in the whole wide world and I sorted out all my personal and professional hangups, maybe I would procreate. Or prolly just adopt because I’m not all for the pain thing
Apparently the whole shagging when you’re pregnant thing is really good. I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been pregnant. Angie and Brad seem to be big fans of it though.
Ohhhhh, you mean after the child is born you’d have less time to spend with the hubby.
SI, seniorita.
And if Russell was my hubby, he wouldn’t have all that time getting all chubby and unappealing.
Becasue we would be shagging all teh time…obviously
Clearly he hasn’t been shagging his wife then, has he? This is good. It works very nicely into the storyline. Like I said, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the outcome.
Daners, you’ve got it all wrong. If you have a C-section you don’t feel a thing. Plus you get all the Percoset and Vicodan you can eat.
Of course he isn’t shagging his wifey! He’s in lurve with me!
But Wanda, aren’t you awake during it? So you kinda feel them cutting into your skin and whatnot? I had to be knocked out getting my wisdom teef pulled. I don’t like discomfort whatsoever!
Dear me, you’re gonna be exhausted from all the shagging to get Rusty back into shape again!
I understand that if you have a spinal block that you can feel the pressure of the cut. But you can have a general anasthetic. I had a general to have my wisdom teeth out too. I’m the biggest wuss in the world.
I had a spinal block and I didn’t feel a gd thing.
good, let me get first (ok since u all already hit him once). let me get second crack at that bat!
omg how random is seeing clay aiken in spain?!
it made me think of kathy griffin my life on the dlist where she did a gay community show in oz, she’s coming out of a restaraunt and all of a sudden lance bass appears haha! its like come on now!
You are awake during a C-section?
I couldn’t watch myself get cut open. Hell, I couldn’t be awake knowing I am getting cut open.
I wanted a C-section. But they wouldn’t let me have one! It was an Army hospital so that might be why. Those bastards!
Jennifer, you don’t see anything. They hang up a big curtain. Mr. Rizzuto watched the whole thing though, both times.
Sorry for the threadjack, Joders.
All this C-section and baby-birthing talk is making me nauseous. Like I’m gonna faint for reals! I fainted after my nephew was born. It was the smell of blood.
Thanks, ladies! Now I don’t want kids anymore even though Wanda has the cutest kids in the history of the world.
Apparently natural birth is lotz lotz better than a C-section. Natural birth may mean pain for hours but u can always get the epidural and a C-section means weeks of painfull recovery – I’d rather get it over with and not take the risks of surgery.
Giselle was with Leo when he got his first Oscar nomination (sad I remember this) and Whorlanda’s career was already in the toilet when he started shagging a dingo.
I heard the same thing about natural child birth v’s a c-section Janers. Some of my girlfriends couldn’t even lift their babies because of the strain it put on the stitches from the c-sections.
And this is my fantasy, so I’m allowed to stretch the truth a little to suit my literary purposes!
Yeah my mum said when she had me she felt fine afterwards but the women in her room who had c-sections could even get out of bed – u can’t drive for weeks either.
I’m pretty good at handling pain for a certain amount of time if I’m sure it will end soon enough but I hate it something takes a while to heal – u feel helpless.
You know I don’t think there’s anything natural about having a baby, from the pregnancy to the delivery. I means what’s natural about a living thing being squished up inside your uterus and then pushing something the size of a watermelon out through something the size of a keyhole (granted it’ll stretch some). It just doesn’t sound right to me.
That made me cringe.
Are you trying to get me back for the bug comment, Joders?
“Strange man: (turning to look at Caiters) No, I’m Zoot.”
I honestly burst out laughing when I read that. Monty Python FTW!
Wanda requested that I bring Clay into the story. I thought the Zoot / Dingo thing worked quite nicely especially since Clay was in Spamalot!