On hearing Whorely call for assistance Wanda, Anners and Joders all rush for the bedroom at the same time. They are stopped in their tracks by Daners.
Daners: You think that you’ve got a chance? I don’t think so!
Anners: But…
Daners: I’ll untie him, you three stay out here and try not to get into anymore trouble.
Daners disappears into Whorely’s bedroom.
Anners: (pouting) But you promised Joders.
Joders: The day isn’t over yet.
Wanda: I’d better get my 36 minutes with him.
Anners: I’m not sure how you’re gonna make this work Joders, but it’d better be good.
Joders: I got us to Gran Canaria didn’t I?
Anners and Wanda: Yeah
Joders: And I got us to save Whorely didn’t I?
Anners and Wanda: Yeah
Joders: And none of us are dead are we? None of us that matter?
Anners and Wanda: That’s true
Joders: So now is probably not the time to start doubting me, is it?
Anners and Wanda: (sheepishly) No, probably not.
Joders: (to herself) How the phuck am I gonna make this work?
Wanda wanders out onto the balcony and looks over at the dingo again.
Wanda: Hey guys, Jaded is down there dragging the dingo away!
Anners and Joders join Wanda in leaning over the balcony.
Joders: Hey, Jaded! What are you doing?
Jaded: I’m moving the dingo. We don’t want to have to explain her dead body to the authorites do we? I’ll be back upstairs in a minute.
Anners: That was good thinking. There’s no telling how much trouble we could have been in.
The girls return inside and find Daners and Whorely waiting for them.
Orly: Thank God you’re all here! (Whispering) Daners thinks I’m gay.
Behind him, Daners rolls her eyes.
Whorely: Do you think we could get out of this suite? It’s giving me the creeps. Bad things happened here.
Anners: Why don’t we all go back to our suite? Besides, we’ve got some antidotes to administer.
The five of them go to the Orly’s Saviour hotel room which is now teeming with people.
Wanda: That was quick Jaded. What did you do with the dingo?
Jaded: Huh? What are you talking about? I’ve been here since you guys left.
Anners: But we just saw you outside moving the dingo’s body.
Joders and Jaded regard each other with dawning realisation.
Joders and Jaded: Missing Link!!
Jaded: There’s just one way to be sure. Hang on a sec. Clay’s suite!
Jaded disappears, is gone for a few seconds and then materialises in the spot she disappeared from.
Jaded: The dingo friends have gone too. Missing Link is going to rebuild them. And I hate to tell you this, but with a strand of her hair, some candles, garlic, her herb pouch and a really carefully chalked pentagram, Missing Link can re-animate the dingo.
Joders: We’ll just have to adminster the antidotes to everyone and get this mess sorted out before the dingo comes back then won’t we?
Orly: What is this antidote you keep talking about?
Jaded: Some of you have been affected by a South American herbal potion that has alternately rendered you unconscious and open to the power of persuasion. It can only be reversed by the kiss of someone the victim finds attractive.
Orly: (grinning) So, who’s affected?
Jaded: Janers, Ali-ers, Caiters, Clay and you.
Orly: I’m not kissing Clay Aiken
Daners attempts to stifle her laughter.
Orly: (ignoring Daners) But I can kiss Ali-ers and Caiters. Janers doesn’t look like she needs kissing.
Janers stops canoodling with Diego long enough to respond to Whorely.
Janers: You kissing me wouldn’t cure me. I don’t think you’re attractive. Diego on the other hand…..
Janers returns to snogging Diego.
Joders: Holy Moses Janers! Get a room!
Behind her back, Janers flips Joders the bird.
Orly: (motioning towards Wanda, Anners, Jaded and Joders) What about you guys? Were any of you affected? I could kiss you.
Wanda: Sadly, none of us were affected Whorely.
Orly: But I can still kiss Caiters and Ali-ers right?
Jaded: Uhhh, no.
Orly: Why not? This is not turning out to be any fun you guys.
Anners: Because you’ve been affected too, you can’t cure anyone.
Caiters and Ali-ers: Dammit!
Afers: So what do we do?
Jennifer: You could kiss them Afers.
Afers: (to Caiters and Ali-ers) No offence girls, but it just ain’t gonna happen. I like you and all that, but I’m gay. I ain’t kissing no slags.
Daners: So, what do we do?
Joders: Where’s Ryan Garko in long socks when you need him?
Garko (wearing his uniform and long socks) appears magically in the hotel room and his eyes come to rest on Caiters.
Garko: What the hell am I doing here?
Joders: Sorry Garko, didn’t mean to interrupt your practice. We need a little favour. We need you to kiss Caiters.
Caiters smiles shyly at Garko.
Garko: Caiters? OMG! I’ve seen you in the stand at games. I lurk at your blog.
Wanda: You do?
Garko: I’m trying to work up the courage to comment.
Caiters: You could just say hello. That’d be a start.
Garko moves closer to Caiters.
Garko: Are you hurt?
Caiters: Nothing that a kiss wouldn’t fix.
Garko looks over his shoulder at everyone in the room, shrugs his shoulders and leans in to kiss Caiters.
After the kiss, Caiters looks flushed but happy.
Garko: Is there somewhere we could go that’s a little more private?
Caiters: How about my room? It’s just down the hall.
Before he has a chance to object, Caiters takes Garko’s hand and leads him down the hallway.
Ali-ers: Me, me! Who’s going to kiss me?
Anners whispers into Joders’ ear. Joders smiles.
Joders: Ben Barnes.
Again as if by magic, Ben Barnes materialises. Unfortunately Ben is a little unco-ordinated and he falls in a heap on the floor next to Joders.
Joders bends down to help him up.
Joders: Are you okay love? Nothing broken?
Ben looks up at Joders as he stands up.
Ben: No, I think I’m okay. What am I doing here? Where am I?
Jaded: You’re in Gran Canaria. We need a favour. We need you to kiss someone.
Ali-ers stares at him with open mouthed awe.
Ben: (looking hopefully at Joders) Is it you I need to kiss?
Joders: No sweetie. It’s Ali-ers.
Ben turns towards Ali-ers and smiles.
Ben: I don’t even care that I don’t know why I need to kiss you.
Ali-ers throws her arms around him and pulls him in close for a big smooch.
Daners: Awww Jesus, Ali-ers! I’m just standing right here next to you. No tongue!
Ali-ers: (after the kiss) My husband is never going to believe this!
Ben: Husband? You’re married? Oh shit!
Ali-ers: It’s okay. He’ll forgive me this one little indiscretion.
Jaded: Ready to go back from whence you came, Ben?
Ben: (glancing at Joders) Uuhhhh, no. Not just yet. This looks like a cool party, so I might stick around for a bit.
Jennifer: So seriously, who is going to kiss Clay Aiken?
Clay is laying on the sofa, still unconscious.
Daners: Christ on a cracker Jenn, you must have smashed him really hard. He’s still down for the count!
Anners looks at Afers. Afers nearly falls of his chair in shock.
Afers: No! No epphin way Scribbie! There is no way on God’s green earth that I am kissin’ Clay Aiken.
Anners: But Afers….
Afers: No! Just coz I’m gay doesn’t mean that I’ll kiss any old gay person.
Wanda: So who are we gonna get?
Joders: I’ve got an idea. Zac Efron.
Zac appears in the room.
Zac: What am I doing here? Who are all of you people?
Joders: Hi Zac. We’re the casting crew for a new Off Broadway stage production of Sleeping Beauty specifically for the Gay Community. We know you have a big gay following, and we thought you’d make a fantastic Prince Charming. We wanted you to have a quick audition.
Zac: That’s very flattering. What do you want me to do.
Joders: (pointing towards Clay) Kiss Clay Aiken.
Zac: Kiss Clay Aiken? You’re kidding right?
Joders: Come on Zac. It’s not like you have to kiss him if you win the role. Clay has final say on the casting. He wants to make sure that we’re getting the very best Prince Charming. And this is the only way to tell.
Zac: (whispering) But he’s gay.
Wanda: (playing along) That’s not very professional Zac. What would your gay fans say if they knew that you are a homophobe.
Zac: Alright, alright, I’ll do it. It’s just an audition after all. And Clay won’t be Sleeping Beauty or anything. It’s just one silly little kiss. Right?
Joders: (smiling encouragingly) Right!
Zac approaches Clay on the sofa, gets down on one knee and kisses him.
Joders: Excellent Zac! That was great. Clay needs a little time to make his final decision. We’ll be back to you when we settle on the cast. But you should know, that’s the best Prince Charming we’ve seen all afternoon. Thanks for coming.
Joders places her left hand on Zac’s right shoulder.
Joders: From whence you came.
Zac disappears, presumably (hopefully) back to where he came from.
Ben: Hey, this is better than the Narnia set. You guys rock!
Jennifer: I’m really worried about Clay. Shouldn’t he have woken up by now?
Jaded: I think he’ll be okay. Zac broke the spell on him, but I might need to mix up another potion to help with the blow to his head.
Daners: Okay, now all that is out of the way, who’s going to kiss Whorely?
Afers: I don’t think it’s gonna be Caiters.
Soft laughter drifts up the hallway from behind Caiters’ closed bedroom door.
Jaded: And it can’t be Ali-ers, coz she was affected.
Jennifer: So?
Anners, Wanda and Joders all look at each other, then hang their heads and mumble something unintelligible.
Quick as a flash, Jaded jumps onto Whorely’s lap and plants a passionate kiss on him.
Anners, Wanda and Joders watch on in disbelief.
Daners: Guys, what the hell just happened? You had the perfect opportunity to molest your gay boyphriend.
Joders: I didn’t want my first kiss with Whorely to be in front of everyone else.
Anners: Me either.
Wanda: Or me.
Afers: Looks like Jaded had no such concern!
Orly: Jaded, please I can’t breathe!
Jaded: Guess I’ll have to perform mouth to mouth then, won’t I?
Anners moves in to take one of Jaded’s arms and Joders takes the other.
Anners: I think that’s enough now Jaded. I think that he’s cured.
Jaded: Party poopers!
Wanda looks at her watch.
Wanda: Guys, I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.
Joders: Lets order in.
Jaded: While we’re waiting for the food, I’ll take Clay back upstairs to his suite and settle him back in.
Jaded and Clay teleport upstairs.
Caiters and Garko come out of her room long enough to enjoy a meal with everyone. Janers and Diego stop canoodling long enough to eat and get their strength back up. Ben Barnes, determined not to leave just yet, joins us for take away.
After dinner, some of the group advise of their plans to leave Gran Canaria.
Janers: Diego wants to take me to Monte Carlo. He’s says it’s beautiful there. So we’re going to catch a flight later tonight.
Jennifer: I came to Gran Canaria, I saw Gran Canaria, I almost killed Clay Aiken. That’s enough excitement for me for the time being. I’m going back home on a midnight flight.
Caiters: I never thought I’d say this, but I’ve found someone better than Whorely. Garko and I are going to teleport back home. I’ve just got to pack my bag and we’ll be leaving in half an hour.
Afers: I’ve really got to get back. I need to save up more money for a car and I’ve got some summer classes. And I’ve got Plat’s birthday party. I can’t miss that! Thanks for letting me keep the suit too Caiters.
Caiters: (smiling and looking up at Garko) Somehow I don’t think that I’ll be needing it anymore.
Daners: I’ve got to finish writing this book. If I don’t get 5 more chapters to the publishing house by the end of next week, I have to pay back my first advance. Which will be impossible since I’ve already spent it.
Everyone hugs each other and those who are leaving go their separate ways.
Soon the only people left are Joders, Anners, Wanda, Ali-ers, Jaded, Whorely and Ben.
Joders approaches Ben.
Joders: I think it’s time you went home.
Ben: But….
Joders: No buts. The rest of us still have some unfinished business.
Ben: Can I at least leave you my phone number?
Joders: I don’t need your phone number. I can just teleport you should the fancy take me.
Ben: Will the fancy take you?
Joders: Maybe.
Joders places her left hand on Ben’s right shoulder.
Joders: From whence you came.
And he disappears.
Orly: Joders?
Joders: Yes?
Orly: Thank you. For bringing everyone here to save me. I don’t know how I can ever repay you all.
Joders: Well, there is one thing.
Joders leans closer to Whorely and whispers into his ear.
Orly: (eyes having grown wide at Joders’ suggestion) All of you?
Joders: All of us.
Orly: At once?
Joders: No, you pervert! So, are you up for it?
Orly: Hell yes!
Joders: Then how about you go and check into the penthouse suite and get some rest. You’re going to need your strength. We’ll see you tomorrow.
Just what exactly has Joders got planned? How exactly is Whorelando going to thank his Saviours. I’m sure you can all make an educated guess. Stay tuned all the same to see exactly how this all pans out in the next thrilling installment.
Filed under: Operation Abduct Orly
Hee, Garko’s gonna get locked up!
Dude, I so better get my 36 minutes. Soon.
Um, Russell Crowe!!!!!! Maximus Darius Glutus or whatever! Where for art thou him?
Hahahahah I like I keep calling Whorely GAY!! YAG!!!!
“How exactly is Whorelando going to thank his Saviours. I’m sure you can all make an educated guess”
Ha. dirty….
This really ought to be turned into a movie, because this is brazilliantly hilarious, Joders! At least Orlando will get a damn job that way.
Wanda means 3-6 minutes, not 36 minutes. Does Garko realize Caiters is 12 yrs old?
Hee! The missing link! If she puts the dingo back together can she have a tail? Please?
I don’t want this to ever end. Do I have probs?
Poor Ben Barnes is such a moron! Hee!
Heeeheee! Ain’t I a slut? Teehee!
Joders, I owe you a big one.
Ok ladies, just one more chapter thingy and then the epilogue. Daners, your grand finale comes in the epilogue okay??
Wanda, I promise you’ll get 36 minutes with him – stayed tuned for the last chapter. You too Jaded.
Anners you need to stay tuned for the last chapter AND the epilogue.
And Anners if Missing Link puts the dingo back together I hope she gives her two ephin’ tails!
I’m feeling all depressed because the Sunday paper has a news article about the dingo coming to Oz in August for some big David Jones fashion launch. And of course it mentions that Orlando will be here with her and then it talks about the possibility of an engagement.
If they must be together I think they should just keep on living together. Who needs a piece of paper and a ring?
Sorry, I’m clearly having some issues at the moment.
Joders, that’s how tabloid journalism (lol, I used an oxymoron) works. If they met once, they’re dating, if they dated for two months, they’re engaged, and if a ring should appear, they go on baby bump watch. I wouldn’t waste any braincells on this if I were you.
I don’t know how Missing Link will put her together, but as I can recall, she’s not very good with mouth odour, may you find peace in this thought.
I’m on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next chapter! I copied and formatted the story so far into one big file, and I’m doing the character outlines. I will scan them soon and give you the link to my album as soon as I can.
Joders, please don’t tell me you’re believing that crappy article. Especially the part about how their privacy was invaded. Please!
Paparazzi? Hah! She’s got it easy compared to me. She should see what it’s like when my mother decides to do some privacy invading. I phuckin moved a county to get rid of her and I may just go abroad soon.
Uh oh. Keep it PG-13, Joders.
Don’t listen to Jennyfer. She knows not what she says.
Jaded! You’re cool beans. Don’t forget to make me look like Thandie Newton if you’re still illustrating this brilliance. Thandie Newton + 20 pounds. Thank you in advance.
Two tails and a horn right in the middle of her head, Joders!
I was just having a moment girls. I’m okay now.
And I don’t for one minute believe that her privacy was invaded. She’s as dumb as a stick. Hopefully a stick with bad breath. And two tails and a horn in the middle of her wooden stick head.
Don’t despair Anners. It won’t be PG-13. You’ll need to be at least 15 to read the last chapter.
Jaded, I’m all excited now! I can’t wait to see what you’ve got. Don’t think that I’m wanting you to rush though. I understand that artists need to take their time!
Mirandingo brings out the inner demon in all of us, doesn’t she? I mean I never wanted to beat a re-re down before she came along.
15! That made me laugh. Out loud.
It’s because she’s so dumb. Like a stick. I never knew anyone quite so stupid before. I can normally tolerate stupid people, but there’s just something about her that grates on one of my two remaining nerves!
And I forgot to add that she’s completely talentless. It pisses me off that her only “talent” is posing with her hands on her hips. I mean, doesn’t Cindy Crawford have a degree in physics or something? I’m not sure that the dingo even finished high school. Yet there are people in the world who are way talented and they continue to toil in meaningless, mind numbing jobs.
Yeah, you’re right. She brings out the inner demon in all of us.
Thank you! It’s almost gross. I was just thinking (a surefire way to depress myself) that people have it rough. I’m not feeling sorry for myself just thinking about the plight of everyday folks. Some people never have a chance, really.
And then this dumb phuck comes along.
She’s not content to just shut the hell up and count her blessings. No, she has to open her animal trap like all the time. Bytch, no one needs your damn advice in the form of a book your lame ass didn’t even write. She can’t even spell ‘advice’. Hmm. … add+vyse’
I don’t even think she knows how to write. I’ve never seen her signing autographs. Hee! She prob just stamps her signature. With her paw.
You’ve captured her psyche so very well, Joders. She is a loathsome creature. And her defenders are worse. “How I wish they all had one neck…” And I just sorta quoted Caligula…
OMG, shut the hell up and count her blessings? If only she bloody well would! But she’s just too dumb to know she should. I’m sure she thinks that people are actually interested in what she’s got to say.
The only people who are interested are those making money from her. And the retards who have been sucked into the dingo vortex.
Shit, if that is the sort of role model that the young people of the world aspire to, I’m scared for the future.
Hahahaha, she prob just stamps her signature. With her paw! Hahahaha!
Hee! Dingo vortex.
Let’s pray for her. Okay, maybe not.
Nighters.
It’s really fun being the slutty chick who has flings on holidays.
*giggles uncontrollably* Me… and Garko… and a bedroom… Heheheheheh….. *blushes*
And Anners, Garko knows I’m older than 12. He’s a good, law-abiding boy.
I knew you’d like how I wrote your character Janers.
Heavens only knows what you and Garko got up to Caiters. There’s was lots of giggling and noise coming from your bedroom!