Operation Abduct Orly – The End (I promise – except for the epilogue)

The new day begins with Joders, Anners, Wanda, Ali-ers and Jaded sitting around the dining table having an animated discussion.

Jaded:  You didn’t!

Joders:  Yes, I did.

Ali-ers:  I don’t know how you did it Joders, but you rock!

Wanda:  I’m really gonna get my 36 minutes?

Joders:  Actually we each get an hour

Anners:  I think I’m going to faint

Joders:  (turning to Anners)  Don’t faint sweetie.  You might miss your ONE HOUR WITH WHORELY!

Wanda:  Who’s going first?

A silence settles over the table and all eyes fall to Joders.

Joders:  You want me to decide?  No way!  I got us the hour each, I’m not deciding what order we go.

Jaded:  If you leave it up to the rest of us, we’ll probably kill each other Joders.  Please?

Joders:  And then you’ll want to kill me if you don’t get to go first or third or something.

Ali-ers:  We promise we won’t bitch about it Joders.

Ali-ers Blackberry rings and she excuses herself to answer it.  She isn’t gone too many minutes before she joins the other Saviours.

Ali-ers:  Uhhh, Joders?  Would it be okay if I went first?  That was the hubby.  He’s gonna be home in about 36 hours.  If I have my hour with Whorely first, I can make it home just before the hubby and he’ll be none the wiser.

Joders looks to the other girls who all nod their agreement.

Joders:  Ok, Ali-ers.  You’re up first.  Oh sorry, that was a poor choice of words.  Anyway, here’s the deal.  You’ve got one hour with him.  You must use protection.  And I don’t mean sunscreen and deodorant.  We don’t rightly know where his oui oui has been, so no matter how hard, oh sorry again, he moans, oh shit!  No matter how much he complains that it’s much better without protection, the rule is if it’s not on, then it’s not in!  Okay?

Ali-ers:  Ok.  When is he expecting me?

Joders:  (looking at her watch)  In 10 minutes.

Ali-ers:  I’m nervous all of a sudden.

Anners:  Relax.  It’s not like you’ve never done it.

Ali-ers:  Not with Whorely I haven’t.  Except in my dreams.

Jaded:  This ain’t a dream hun.  This is real life!

Ali-ers leaves for her date with Whorely and the 4 remaining Saviours put the numbers two through five into a hat and take turns at drawing out numbers.  Wanda draws number 2, Jaded number 3, Anners number 4 and Joders number 5.

Wanda:  I really only need 36 minutes with him.

Joders:  But you’ve got a whole hour.

Wanda:  But I only need 36 minutes.  Unless….

Anners:  Unless what, Wanda?

Wanda reaches into her purse and withdraws a pack of small blue tablets.

Joders:  Oh no!  No, no, no!  Definitely not.  Put them away.  Flush them down the toilet.  Where did you get them from?

Wanda:  Stevo.

Anners:  Stevo?

Joders:  That’s probably more than I needed to know.

While they wait for Ali-ers to return, the girls begin to pack their bags in preparation for their flights home.

Joders is busy stuffing her stiletto boots into her suitcase when Jaded joins her.

Joders:  Packed already?

Jaded:  Yeah, I usually travel pretty light.  Listen Joders, I’ve got some stuff that I think you’re going to need.

Joders:  What sort of stuff?

Jaded:  Some herbal remedies.

Joders:  No thanks Jaded.  I’ve had enough of herbal remedies to last me a lifetime.

Jaded: No really Joders, if you’ll just hear me out you’ll see how important this stuff is.

And so Jaded begins to explain.  And Joders listens really hard, because she suddenly realises just how important this stuff is.

Jaded:  So I’ve got a copy of the instructions for use for you incase you forget some of what I’ve told you.  And there are instructions for how to make it all from scratch.  Because you’ll probably need to.  From what I understand, there’s a lot to be done.  And you should probably teleport home.  Some of the ingredients might not make it through customs.

Joders:  I didn’t think it was all going to be over just yet.  I guess I never imagined I’d have to start straight away.

Jaded:  If it’s any consolation, I think you’ll do a great job.

Joders:  Thanks Jaded.

Ali-ers:  (with a goofy grin plastered across her face)  Oh.  My.  God!!  Spectacular!  Better than any of my dreams!  If I died now, I’d die happy!  I shagged Whorelando Bloom!!

Ali-ers continues to wax lyrical about her experience as she walks to her bedroom, throws her gear in her bag and then comes back to the living area of the Saviour’s Suite.

The four remaining Saviours bid Ali-ers a fond farewell.

Joders:  (hugging Ali-ers)  Just remember, what goes on tour, stays on tour!

And then Ali-ers is gone and Wanda sets off for the penthouse suite and her 36 minutes with Whorely.

Joders:  Wanda, I’ll have that packet of little blue tablets before you go.

Wanda:  (handing the tablets over)  Damnit Joders!  How did you know?

Joders:  I’m like your mother, I have eyes in the back of my head.

Jaded, Anners and Joders sit on the sofa, waiting for Wanda to return.

Joders:  (to Anners)  How are you feeling?

Anners:  Anxious.  Nauseous.  I’ve waited so long for this.   I never thought it was going to happen.  And suddenly in a little over an hour, my whole life is going to change.

Joders:  (smiling knowingly, if a little sadly)  More than you could ever imagine, Anners.

Jaded:  I think Wanda’s coming.

Anners:  (pretending innocent)  Jeebus, you must have good hearing Jaded.

Jaded:  (rolling her eyes)  Not like that Anners!

42 minutes after she leaves (3 minutes to get there, 36 minutes with Whorely and 3 minutes to get back), Wanda returns to the Saviour’s suite.  She appears to float in, rather than walk.

Joders:  So, how did it all go Wanda?

Wanda:  Is that my name?  I couldn’t remember what it was.

Jaded:  If you don’t wipe that stoned hippy expression off your face Wanda, your husband is going to get suspicious.

Wanda:  Husband?   What husband?  I’m married?

Joders:  Yes Wanda, you’re married.  To Mr Risotto.  Remember?

Wanda:  (closing her eyes as if trying to remember)  Risotto?  Risotto?  Nope, name doesn’t mean a damn thing to me.

Jaded:  Wanda, here’s a glass of water for you.  It’ll make you feel better.

Wanda:  (taking the glass from Jaded)  Thanks Jaded.  Shagging Whorely is thirsty work.

Wanda takes a few sips of the water and a new expression falls across her face.

Wanda:  Oh crap!  I hope Mr Rizutto doesn’t find out about this.  He might want to divorce me!

Joders:  He won’t find out from us Wanda.  Saviour’s honour!

The Saviour’s farewell Wanda and then send Jaded on her merry way to the penthouse suite.

Which leaves Anners and Joders sitting on the sofa.

Anners:  I can’t believe that we really did this Joders.  A few short weeks ago we were bytching about the dingo and fantasizing about shagging Whorely.  And suddenly it’s actually happened.  The dingo is dead.  Whorely is free from her canine clutches and very soon he’ll be upstairs in the penthouse suite, in a king sized bed, waiting for me.

Joders:  It’s your reward for being a faithful girlfriend Anners.

Anners:  I still say that it happened because of you Joders.  I’ll never forget this.  For as long as I live I’ll be grateful to you for making this happen.

When Jaded arrives back, she too is wearing a goofy grin.

Jaded:  That was quite possibly the best culmination of a fantasy that I’ve ever had.  Thanks for putting the call out for me Joders.

Joders:  We couldn’t have done it without you Jaded. 

Joders notices that Jaded is holding something in her hand.

Joders:  What’s that?

Jaded:  A lock of Whorely’s hair.  I guess I knew that I wasn’t going to be with him forever, so I figured I might practice my cloning.  See how things work out.  But I needed a lock of his hair to extract the DNA.

Joders:  And you told him this and he handed over a stack of his hair?

Jaded:  God, no!  I “accidently” pulled out a handful in the throes of passion.

Joders:  Thanks for that happy little visual Jaded!

Anners and Joders farewell Jaded, Anners makes her way to the penthouse suite and Joders is left to her own devices until Anners returns.  While she waits, Joders goes over the instructions for use for the herbal remedies that Jaded left behind  just to make sure she understands.

When Anners arrives back at the Saviour’s suite, she looks alternately ecstatic and miserable.  She joins Joders on the sofa and promptly bursts into floods of tears.

Joders:  Oh my God!  Anners, what’s wrong?

Anners:  It was just so, so, it was everything I wanted it to be.  Oh Joders, I’ve spent over four years wishing and hoping and wondering and now it’s actually happened and it’s all over.

Joders gives Anners a hug and then hands her some tissues.

Joders:  I want you to wait until I get back.  I’ll just be gone an hour, okay?  We need to talk when I get back.  Promise you’ll still be here.

Anners:  (sniffling and nodding)  I promise.

Joders leaves Anners wiping her eyes and makes her way to the penthouse suite.

When she gets there, Joders finds Whorely laying in the king size bed with just a cotton sheet draped over him from the waist down.  He is clearly naked.

Orly:  (patting the bed next to himself)  Come sit by me on the bed Joders.

Joders:  (starting to undress)  I’ve only got one hour with you Whorelando Bloom and I mean to make every second count.  Turn off the bedside lamp.

Orly:  You like to do it in the dark?

Joders:  (opening the drapes on the french doors and letting the sunlight fall over the bed)  No sweetheart, I like to do it in the sunlight.

Orly:  Joders, should I be nervous?

Joders:  (smiling and looking at Whorely over her shoulder)  Maybe!

Afterwards (again, did you really think that I’d give you a gratuitous sex scene?  Especially one that I’m starring in?) and towards the end of her hour with Whorely, Joders lays in bed next to him, sipping a cold Spanish beer.

Joders:  That is the second best thing that I’ve had since I’ve been in Gran Canaria.

Orly:  Joders, that was the best ssss….. saving that I’ve ever had.

Joders:  (smiling)  And that was the most fun I’ve had saving anyone.

Joders puts the empty beer bottle on the floor by the side of the bed, throws the sheet back and gets out of bed.

Orly:  What are you doing?

Joders:  (gathering her clothes)  Getting dressed.

Orly:  Why?

Joders:  I can hardly wander back to my room butt naked, can I?

Orly:  But why do you need to go?  I thought that you’d stay.  I thought that you and I….

Joders:  (smiling gently)  I’ve known for a while now that there wouldn’t be any you and I, Whorely.  Where the hell are my undies?

Orly:  (pointing to the end of the curtain rod)  But why?  I don’t understand.

Joders:  (climbing on a chair to retrieve her undies)  I miss home.  I miss my dog.  And I’ve done what I came here to do.  I came here to save you.  And you’re saved.

Orly:  But…..

Joders:  Letting you go is already hard enough without you making it harder.

Orly:  Then don’t go.

Joders:  (softly)  There are other people that I have to help.  It’s what I’m meant to do.  And there’s someone else for you.  Someone very special.  When she comes into your life, you’ll hardly even remember what you felt for me.

Now fully dressed, Joders climbs back onto the bed.  She takes Whorely’s right hand in hers and quickly wipes her right index finger over the the GISELEB tattoo on his inner wrist.

Joders:  One last kiss for old times sake, huh?

Orly:  (smiling)  Yes please.

Joders kisses Whorely softly on the lips and then leans in to whisper something into his ear.

Joders:  Adieu my love.  Until we meet again.

Joders slips off the bed and leaves Whorely watching her with a bittersweet expression on his face.

On her way back to her suite, Joders raises her right hand.

Joders:  Airline ticket.

An airline ticket appears her in hand.  She regards the ticket with sadness mixed with envy, but knows in heart she has done the right thing.

Anners is waiting as promised in the suite when Joders returns.  Joders walks right past her, but comes back carrying her suitcase.

Anners:  What are you doing?

Joders:  Getting ready to go home.

Anners:  Aren’t you staying with Whorely?

Joders:  What gave you that idea?

Anners:  You saved him Joders.  He owes his life to you.  He wants you to stay with him.

Joders:  I can’t stay with him.

Anners:  What?  Have you gone insane?  Did you bump your head one too many times on the headboard?

Joders:  (smiling) There’s something else that I’m meant to do Anners.  Something more important than being with Whorely.  Something that only I can do.

Anners:  So none of us get him.  We just have to stand by and wait until he finds another dingo substitute?

Joders:  That is where you’re wrong, Anners.  One of us does get him.

Joders hands Anners the airline ticket.

Anners:  What’s this?

Joders:  An airline ticket.

Anners:  You really have gone mad, haven’t you?  I already have an airline ticket back home.

Joders:  This airline ticket is to London.

Anners:  London?  What do I need to go to London for?

Joders:  When Whorely leaves Gran Canaria tomorrow, he’s going to London to attend a charity ball being thrown by Elton John.  Whorely’s going to need a travelling companion.  And tonight he’s going to need a bedmate.

Anners looks at Joders, realisation suddenly dawning in her eyes.

Anners:  (hugging Joders)  Joders, I love you almost as much as I love Whorelando.  I can’t believe that you did this for me.

Joders:  Stop wasting your time hugging me and go upstairs.  He’s asking for you.  And besides (Joders consults her watch) he’s probably about ready for another shag!

Joders watches as Anners takes her packed suitcase and hurries up to the penthouse suite.

Then Joders picks up her own suitcase and utters one word.

Joders:  Home

13 July 2008 – Parramatta Stadium after the Rabbitohs defeat the Parramatta Eels 30 to 18

Joders pushes her way through the crowd of football fans.  Rabbitohs supporters are beside themselves after 5 straight wins.

Joders is wearing a lip balm given to her by Jaded.  It makes Joders known to everyone.  Including the man she has in her sights.

Joders:  Russell!

Russell Crowe:  Joders!

Joders:  Fantastic game!  You must be really proud of the boys!

Russell:  You’d better believe it.

Joders:  Congratulations!

Joders extends her right hand for a handshake towards Russell in such a way that he is forced to extend his hand palm upwards.  Joders immediately sees the GISELEB tattoo on his right inner wrist.  As soon as she grasps Russell’s hand she swipes her right index finger over the tattoo and coats it with the lotion that Jaded gave to her.

Joders:  Hope to see you at the next game Russ.  Take care of yourself.

Russell:  You too Joders.

Joders leans in for a kiss.  Lips or cheek, doesn’t matter as long as the lip balm makes contact with the skin.  Out of respect for her friend, Joders kisses Russ on the cheek and whispers a name in his right ear, then she disappears into the crowd.

And so ends Operation Abduct Orly.  Whorelando is saved.  The dingo is dead.  The dingo friends are destroyed.  And everyone has a happy ending.   Don’t they?  Why don’t you drop by in a few days time for the epilogue to see how everything pans out.