Operation Abduct Orly – The Epilogue (Happily Ever After)

One Year Later

A large group of people are milling around a picturesque backyard reminiscent of an English Country Estate.   There’s quite a party atmosphere.  Yep, there’s a celebration going on here.  And it’s a bit of a formal do.  The ladies are dressed in gowns, the men in tuxedos.  You could be forgiven for thinking that you’d stumbled onto the red carpet for an awards ceremony.

The hostess stands to one side of the party, watching nervously into the distance as if waiting for someone.

Joders materialises mid air and lands gracefully on the pathway at the bottom of the garden.

Anners:  Joders!  You’re here!

Joders:  Anners, sweetheart!

The girls hitch the skirt of their gowns up and rush along the garden path to each other.  They hug tightly.

Anners:  I was concerned that you weren’t coming.

Joders:  This is far too important an occasion for me to miss Anners.  I was running a little late.  Sorry.

Anners:  Where’s your plus one?

Joders:  (smiling)  He’s the reason I was running late.

Anners:  Joders, you werent?!  You didn’t?!

Joders:  Oh, God no!  Well, yes…no, no.  He insisted that I let him teleport himself here.  But you know what he’s like.

Anners:  You’re looking fantastic Joders.  Very pleased with yourself, I must say.

Joders:  Those first few months of saving people were exhausting.  Then the workload slowed down.  And then I finally found some time for me.  And I hit my sessual peak.  He hates it when I call him that!

Anners:  So what exactly have you been doing these last few months?

Joders:  Ohhhh, just mucking around.

Anners:  Is that what they call it these days?

Another guest calls out to Joders and waves to her.  She waves back, then turns her attention back to Anners.

Joders:  (changing the subject)  If there’s anyone here who looks fantastic, it’s you!  You look brilliant.  Radiant, sparkling.

Anners:  I guess being in love with Whorelando Bloom does that to a girl.

Joders:  Oh!  I thought it was all the shagging.

Anners:  Joders!

Joders:  Everyone else is here?

Anners:  Everyone.  They’ve all been waiting to see you.

Joders:  Then I shan’t make my audience wait any longer.  I’ll be back to see you before the important bit starts.

A tall figure clad in a tuxedo materialises mid air on the path behind Joders and falls into a crumpled heap on the ground.

Joders’ Plus One:  Ooooofff!

Joders:  (sighing and looking over her shoulder at the man sprawled in an undignified position)  I’ll see everyone AFTER I help him up.  God.  So nice to look at, but so phreakin unco!

Joders rushes to help her partner up.

Joders:  Are you alright love?  Haven’t hurt yourself or broken any bones?

Ben Barnes:  No, I’m okay.  I haven’t torn my suit have I?

Joders checks his suit out.

Joders:  Clothes brush.  Nothing is torn love.  But you need a brush down.  You’ve got leaves all over you.

Ben stands patiently while Joders cleans his suit.

Ben:  You’re very good to me.

Joders:  It’s because I….

Ben:  Because you what?

Joders:  Nothing.  It’s neither the time nor the place.  It’s simply because you deserve it.  Now, I’m going to see some friends before this all starts.  Why don’t you go and introduce yourself around.  Most everyone knows you.  But you beware of anyone posing as a dingo, ok?  Hopefully there won’t be any man stealing canines to contend with.  I’m here to enjoy myself, not to beat someone to death.

Ben smiles.

Joders:  Don’t think I wouldn’t do it.  I’ve done it once before.  Though admittedly, she fell off a balcony.

Joders gathers her skirt in one hand and disappears into the crowd.

Daners:  Charlie and Tennyson Crowe!  Stop misbehaving and come sit down.  There’ll be plenty of time for playing later on.

Charlie and Tennyson:  (in unison)  Yes ma’am.

The boys sit quietly as they were told.

Joders:  Daners!

Daners:  Oh my God!  Joders!  You’re here!

The girls hug, then draw apart to regard each other.

Daners:  I’m so sorry I haven’t been in touch lately.  I’ve kinda had my hands full.

Joders:  But the boys look like such angels.

Daners:  No, not the boys.  They’re great!  I’m working on a new manuscript.  The publisher wants a rough draft within 6 weeks.  And Russ is home from his latest movie set, so there hasn’t been much writing going on, if you catch my meaning.

Joders:  All of that country air and country living must be doing you the world of good.  You look so relaxed.  And, and, positively glowing.  Or maybe it’s the country shagging?

Russell:  (appearing suddenly behind his wife)  She’s insatiable Joders.  Inside, outside, in the back of the car, on the bonnet (hood)…..

Daners:  (swatting playfully at her husband)  Russ!  Stop it!

Russell:  (grinning)  Just telling it like it is love.

Daners regards Russell from under a raised eyebrow.

Russell:  Ok, ok, I’m going.  I’ll leave you girls to it.

He pauses long enough to give Daners a cute little kiss on the cheek and then moves back into the crowd.

Daners:  (pausing to consider her next words) Uhhhh, Joders?  About the glowing?  There might be another explanation for it.

Joders:  Noooo?  Really?!  You’re not?

Daners:  I could be.

Joders:  Does Russ know?

Daners:  I haven’t told anyone.  Well, except for you of course.  I want to make sure.  I don’t want to get Russ’s hopes up.  He’s been talking about a little girl for the last few months and how sweet it would be to have a daughter.

Daners looks at Joders with something in her eyes that Joders has never seen before.  Fear.

Daners:  What the hell would I do with a girl?  In fact, what the hell would I do with a baby?

Joders:  You might just surprise yourself Daners.  But you might want to make sure before you go getting your knickers in a knot.

Daners:  You’re right.  As usual!

Joders smiles at her friend then excuses herself to catch up with others.

Wanda, Mr Rizutto, Dante and Janey are there.

Joders:  (Remembering the last time they flew together into Gran Canaria)  No trouble getting through airport security?

Wanda:  Not this time.  And I even managed to wrench Janey’s knife collection away from her at the last minute.  Otherwise we were going to have to teleport.  And we all know how Mr R feels about that.

Joders:  Thank God we didn’t teleport him back when he was lost Wanda.    There’s no telling what sort of stuff I might have seen.  Stuff I have no business seeing.

Earlier in the year the Rizuttos had teleported to Australia for a holiday.  It had been a rough trip for Mr R.  He arrived alone, on Bondi Beach in his underwear.  And it had taken 2 hours for Wanda and me to track him down.  Luckily he just looked like a tourist wearing budgie smugglers.  But let’s just say that was not the most enjoyable part of his vacation.

Joders:  You are such a spoil sport Mr R.

Mr R:  At least on an airplane I can guarantee that I’ll arrive fully clothed.

Janey:  (tugging on the skirt of her mother’s dress)  Mommy, will you get 36 minutes with Uncle Orly today?

Mr R:  Wanda Rizutto, did you put our daughter up to that?  That joke is getting so old.

Wanda and Joders glance at each other and smile.

Mr R:  And that conspiratorial little smile you two always share is getting a bit old too.  Wanda never told me what happened in Gran Canaria.

Joders:  What goes on tour, stays on tour Mr R.  My lips are forever sealed.

Wanda:  (completely deadpan)  That not what Ben Barnes told me.

Joders is still laughing as she goes in search of other familiar faces.

And she soon finds one.

Joders:  Jennifer!  And?  Really?  When did this happen?

Jennifer:  I got home from work one afternoon a few months ago and found him on his knees, pounding on my front door, crying and begging for me to let him in.  What was a girl to do?

Jensen Ackles:  (blushing slightly)  It’s a bit embarrassing actually.  But I’m eternally pleased that Jenn opened the door and let me in.  She’s made me the happiest man on earth.

Joders:  (looking around at the rest of the guests)  I think you might have some competition to that mantle, but it’s so sweet!

Jensen:  (whispering)  There’s just one thing Joders.  Can you tell me anything about that baseball bat that Jenn keeps on display above the fireplace?

Joders:  I think it has some sort of sentimental value.  Jenn was pretty handy with a bat in her time.

Jennifer grins behind Jensen.

Jennifer:  Thank you Joders.

Joders:  The pleasure is all mine.

Joders spots someone she wants to talk with and excuses herself.

Jaded sees Joders coming and breaks into a big smile.

Jaded:  Joders!  It’s so good to see you.

Joders:  I’m pleased you’re here Jaded.  I’ve been itching to ask how the recreation went.

Jaded:  There were lots of drafts, let me tell you.  Lots of trial and error.  But I persevered.  Unfortunately clones don’t live for very long.  About 3 years or so.  So I thought maybe I’d make two of them.  Big mistake.  Two Whorely clones in the same household?  Oh God!  Joders, they, they, oh shit!  They took a liking for each other.  If you catch my meaning.

Joders:  Holy crap!

Jaded:  I had to shoot one of them.  Very sad, very messy, but very necessary.

At that moment Jaded and Joders are joined by Jaded’s cloned Whorely.

Orly:  Hi girls.  Talking about me are you?

Joders:  Wow, he’s really lifelike.  Just like the real thing!

Orly:  What are you talking about?  Of course I’m lifelike.

Joders:  (tugging on a handful of dark curls)  Fantastic!

Orly:  Ouch, that hurts!

Joders:  (poking cloned Orly in the midriff)  He even feels real!

Orly:  Watch it!

Joders:  (patting cloned Orly on the butt)  My God!  Even his arse!  That’s incredible!

Joders pinches cloned Orly on the bum.

Orly:  Joders, for the love of God!

Joders:  His speech is amazing.  I’ve got to hand it to you Jaded.  This clone is almost as good as the real thing. 

Joders pinches his bum one more time, still astounded by how lifelike the clone is.

Orly:  (slapping Joders’ hand away)  That’s because I am the real thing!  Jaded’s clone is over there.

Orly points to his doppelganger on the other side of the garden.

Joders:  (laughing)  Whorely, I’m so sorry!

Jaded:  Oh shit!  Gotta run.  Gotta save the clone.  One of those glitches I haven’t quite ironed out yet.

Joders and Whorely stare in silence as the clone begins to perform an odd looking dance.

Whorely:  Strangely enough that’s exactly how I dance when I’ve had too much to drink.

Joders turns to face Whorely.

Joders:  So much has happened this past year.

Orly:  We’ve missed you Joders.

Joders:  I had some important work to do.  And you can see the results here today.  Besides, you’ve been busy too.

Orly:  But we’re never too busy for you.  You know that.

Orly surveys his surroundings.

Orly:  This could have been yours and mine.  Ours.

Joders:  Whorely, this could never have been ours.  We were never meant to be.  It was always going to be you and Anners.   So stop talking about it, or I’ll tell Anners and she’ll kick your butt.

Orly:  Yes, she would wouldn’t she?  She’s very fiesty.  Part of the reason I love her.

He sees Anners across the garden and blows her a kiss.

Joders:  Go and mingle with your guests.  I’ve got more socialising to do.

Joders turns and is hit in the face by a hat full of black and white feathers.

Ali-ers:  Joders, I’m sorry!  I completely forget how big this damn hat is!

Joders:  It’s a very impressive hat Ali-ers.  Are you sure it’s um, suitable for todays ceremony?

Ali-ers:  (smiling)  I’m sure it’s totally inappropriate, but I never did get to wear it to the Kentucky Derby.  It’s bloody hot under all these feathers though.

Joders:  So, where’s the hubby and the daughter?

Ali-ers:  Caleigh is with family back home.  She’s having a grand time thinking she’s all grown up and having a vacation without mom and dad.  Unfortunately the hubby is still overseas.  He’ll be coming home soon.  For good this time.  He’s leaving the military.  You didn’t have anything to do with that did you?

Joders:  I’m good Ali-ers, but I’m not that good.  How do you suppose I’d convince a person with a career in the armed forces to come home?

Ali-ers:  Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe with that lip balm of yours?

Joders:  (smiling)  I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Ali-ers:  I don’t care how you did it Joders.  But thank you.

Joders:  Enjoy having the hubby home Ali-ers.

Joders also spots Caiters and rushes to the youngest Saviour to see how she’s been doing.

Caiters:  Joders!

Joders:  How’s the college girl going?

Caiters:  I’m doing great!  I love college.  I’m getting good grades and I’m just so happy with everything.  Everyone.

Joders:  Where is the source of your happiness?

Caiters:  He couldn’t make it.  Cleveland are at the business end of their season so Garko couldn’t afford to take time away.  But it’s okay.  I’d never forgive myself if they missed out on the playoffs just because I insisted that Garko be with me today.

Caiters starts smiling.

Joders:  What?

Caiters:  Who could ever believe that I hooked up with Ryan Garko because of my crush on Whorelando Bloom.  Shit, who could ever believe that I hooked up with Ryan Garko period?!  Thank you for choosing him as my antidote.

Joders:  The long socks still do it for you?

Caiters:  Oh yeah, the long socks still do it for me.  Big time!

There are only 2 more people that Joders needs to see.  And one of them is running towards her, a giant grin plastered all over his face.

Afers:  Joders, oh Joders.  I’m so happy you’re here.

Joders:  It’s great to see you too Afers.

Afers:  Scribbie told me that you’re shaggin’ Ben Barnes.  Is it true?  You and Caspian?

Joders:  We’re just mucking around Afers, having some fun.  Enjoying ourselves.

Afers:  Phuckin’ around, more like it!

Joders:  (changing the subject from herself)  Speaking of shagging, where’s that husband of yours?

Afers:  Oh, he’s around here somewhere.  Can you believe that it was only 3 months ago that we were at that party Joders?  And I was wearing the Saviour suit that Caiters gave to me.  And suddenly Lloyd phuckin’ Banks comes up to me and starts making a pass at me?  And telling me how deep and masculine my voice is and how my calves look all muscular in my suit?  I don’t know what you said to him earlier that night Joders, but it worked!  Three months later we’re married and I’m just home from my honeymoon.  I am so happy!

Joders:  And you’re still keeping up with school?

Afers:  Just coz I’m a married man doesn’t mean I don’t want to finish my education.  And Lloyd is happy to pay for my kollege degree and he wants to pay to send me to study overseas.  He wants to come with me.  How cute is that?  You know, it’s great to be settled down with someone you love.  You oughta try it sometime.

Joders:  Maybe I should Afers, maybe I should.

There is just one more person that Joders wants to see before she seeks out Anners again.  Joders’ young benefactress is standing away from the crowd and staring adoringly into the eyes of her beau.  He is looking just as adoringly back at her.

Joders:  Janers, will you and Diego ever get a room?

Janers:  After the ceremony perhaps!  Joders, it’s so lovely to see you.  How have you been?  Apart from shagging Ben Barnes that is?

Joders:  Just like being at home Janers, everyone knows everything about everybody else!

Diego:  Joders, such a pleasure to see you again.  You know I will forever be indebted to you for bringing Janers into my life.

Joders:  Don’t you think that Janers falling off the bar into your lap had a little something to do with it?

Diego:  Well, maybe just a little.  But she would not have been in Gran Canaria if you hadn’t convinced the Saviours to join you in saving Whorelando.

Janers:  Diego is right Joders.  We found each other because of you.  My life changed because of you.  Thank you.

Joders:  And my life changed because of you Janers.  Don’t forget that either.  You helped me make my plan work.  I couldn’t have done it without you.

Three days after arriving in Monte Carlo, Janers and Diego had won a massive $100 million jackpot at one of the gaming tables at the Casino.  Janers and Diego now lived in the lap of luxury, but Janers had seen to it that Joders was able to continue to erradicate the scourge of GISELEB.

Apart from saving many of the guests that were present today, Joders had also saved Tony Romo, Seal, Paul Banks, Tom Brady, Guy Ritchie and Tony Parker.  She had attempted to save David Beckham and Chris Martin but strangely neither man bore the GISELEB tattoo, leading Joders to assume that they were simply husbands henpecked by their alpha wives.

Over Janers’ shoulder Joders can see Anners waving to her.

Joders:  I have to go Janers.  It’s time for the ceremony to start.  I’m sure I’ll see you after the official stuff is over.

Joders and Janers hug then Joders hurries to Anners.

Anners:  I’ve found the Celebrant and she’s ready to go.

Joders:  Now we just need to find that husband of yours.

Anners:  Joders?

Joders:  (looking at her friend)  Yes?

Anners:  Do you regret the decision that you made?  To let me have Whorelando?  I know that I wasn’t his first choice.

Joders:  It never would have worked between the two of us Anners.  I couldn’t have given him what you’ve given him.  And that wouldn’t have been fair for any of us.  I suppose I’m nostalgic for that one hour I had with him.  I wish that could have lasted longer.  But I don’t regret my decision.  How could I?  I mean, just look at him.

Joders gestures in the direction of Whorelando Bloom.  At that moment he turns towards Anners, his wife and Joders, one of their closest friends.  He flashes them a wide smile filled with happiness and love.  He can’t wave to the girls because he’s holding a baby in each in arm.  Pier-Francis and Oliver Coriolanus.  His and Anners twin babies.  Joders’ God Babies.

Joders:  Comeon, lets get this Baby Naming Ceremony over with so we can really start to party!

THE END