Wednesday 9 July 2008
Nestled deep in the English countryside is an ecologically friendly mansion built far enough back from the gravel road that it is almost invisible to the human eye. This is just the way the owner likes it. His professional life sees him in the public eye, so he prefers his private life to be just that. Private.
Pity the stupid, vapid little twit that he’s currently “dating” doesn’t seem to understand the word. Probably can’t even spell it.
Inside, the mansion is decorated sparsely but tastefully. The owner is rarely home these days to enjoy the peace and solitude his house brings him. Only one room is decorated differently to the rest of the house. It is the complete antithesis to sparse. It reminds one of the expensive corner office of a Wall Street Company CEO. All that’s missing is Gordon Gecko. The mansion owner doesn’t exactly fit that mould.
Right now, the mansion owner is pacing back and forth in this room. He is agitated, anxious and feeling out of sorts with himself and the world. He is waiting for a business call. A call that was due at 2pm sharp. It is now 2:10pm. If there is one thing that the mansion owner cannot stand (other than his “girlfriend”) it is tardiness.
He flops into his expensive leather swivel chair and puts his feet up on his highly polished oak desk and sighs deeply. Within seconds he begins to drum his fingers on the arm rest of his chair. A nervous habit.
Finally his office phone rings. He picks up a universal remote control complete with mini touch screen and points it towards what appears to be a massive painting by his favourite artist, Tracey Emin, which is hanging on the wall opposite his desk. He touches his right index finger to a small picture of a telephone on the touch screen.
The artwork disappears and is replaced by the face of his Personal Assistant.
PA: You have a call from Robin Baum on line 3, Mr Bloom.
Orly: Mr Bloom? Who the hell is Mr Bloom?
PA: (one eyebrow raised) You are, Mr Bloom.
Orly: The name’s Orlando, love.
PA: Yes Mr Bloom. Now will you be taking the call from Robin?
Orly: Oh yeah, sorry. Line 3 did you say?
PA: Yes Mr Bloom.
Orly: (sighing) Orlando.
PA: Yes sir.
Orly: Thanks love. Taking the call now.
Orly chooses L3 on his remote control touch screen and the face of Robin Baum looms large.
Robin: Orlando! How are you?
Orly: Let’s drop the niceties, Robin, and cut straight to the chase. I want out.
Robin: Out? What do you mean out? Out of the closet?
Orly: No, not out of the closet! I was never in the closet. Oh shit, that’s not what I meant. No, I mean I want out of this ridiculous contract and I want out now!!
Robin: But there’s no way out. The contract has to run it’s natural life span. You’re contracted until Christmas this year. 12 months, Orlando. That’s what we agreed to.
Orly: (standing up and walking right over to the screen and taking a big breath) That’s what you agreed to, you mean. “Here Orlando, sign this contract,” you said. “It’ll do wonders for your career,” you said. “A hot young Hollywood actor dating a hot young Victoria’s Secret model. Your profile will skyrocket. Your face will be everywhere,” you said. My face hasn’t been everywhere Robin, but my bloody arse has. Do you know how embarassing it was for my lily white arse to be plastered all over the internet? Can you imagine the high pitched squeeing from my fangirls? And when you said a Victoria’s Secret model I thought you meant Alessandra or Adriana or Gisele or Heidi. Not some two bit piece of goods that looks like a retarded Cabbage Patch Kid. Do you know what my fandom call her? They call her the dingo. “A dingo took my baby” is one of the favourite post titles on the blogs that write about me. Quite a clever play on words, but totally unnecessary if you hadn’t agreed to the contract. And speaking of totally unnecessary, I find it totally unnecessary for her to speak. She must be the dumbest creature that God ever put breath into. Can’t she shut the phuck up? She’s told the whole world that she’s Buddhist and she’s an environmental activist and that she does yoga. She couldn’t have an individual thought if her life depended on it. She stole all of her “causes” from me. And she calls the papps everytime we go somewhere. Hell, a fella can’t even fart without the press knowing about it. So I’ll say it again, Robin. Get me out of this bloody contract, now!
Robin: There’s no way out. If you break this legal contract Orlando, you career will be over. You’ll never be in another movie again.
Orlando: What phucking career? I haven’t been in a movie since Pirates 3. Other than that cute little cameo role in NY I Love U. Frankly I don’t need to work again. I make a very tidy living from the royalties from Lord of the Rings, Pirates, Elizabethtown and Kingdom of Heaven. And the only movies I want to be in are home movies with the girls from Kate Blogsworth, if you catch my meaning. Get me out of this fauxmance Robin. I mean it.
Robin: But there aren’t any loopholes Orlando. The contract appears watertight.
Orlando: Then clearly you haven’t read it very closely. Infact I’m beginning to think that you didn’t read it at all before you made me sign it. According to what I’ve read, the contract becomes null and void if the dingo cheats on me. So there’s your loophole. Now do something about it.
Robin: Like what? How do you suppose that I can entice her to cheat on you?
Orly: (getting exasperated) Must I do everything myself? What am I paying you for? I thought you were the marketing genius? The spin doctor?
Robin: (shrugging) I’m fresh out of ideas Orlando.
Orly: Here’s an idea then. I’m going to give you 2 million pounds. Use it to bribe Brandon Davis into taking the dingo clubbing and offering to have sex with her. I’ve been withholding favours from her for some weeks now, so she’s about ready to shag anything with 3 legs. Make sure the papps are there to catch all the action.
Robin: Brandon Davis? But he’s a millionaire. What would he want with a measly 2 million Bristish Pounds Stirling?
Orly: Don’t you read anything, Robin? He’s been cut off from his family money. He’s been sleeping on friends’ couches and mooching money off them. He’d jump at the chance for 2 million pounds. And he’d jump at the chance to jump the dingo. You can trust me on that one. Do you think you can arrange all that, Robin?
Robin: Is this really what you want me to do?
Orly: Haven’t you listened to anything that I’ve said this afternoon? Are you deaf as well as ignorant? Yes, this is really what I want you to do!
Robin: (shrugging again) Okay Orlando. Get me the money and I’ll get started.
Orly: I’ve already wired the money to your bank account. Get back to me when you’ve got it all started Robin. And thank you.
Orlando presses the disconnect icon on the touch screen and the face of Robin Baum disappears.
Orly: Jesus, I’m surrounded by idiots. I need to find myself an intelligent entourage. I wonder what the girls from Kate Blogsworth are doing?
Orlando sits back down in his swivel chair and boots up his laptop. He smiles to himself as he marvels at all the technology he has in his office. His fandom think he’s a complete technophobe who can barely operate his ipod and his mobile phone.
He types in the address of the blog he wants to visit……http://kateblogsworth.wordpress.com and settles back to enjoy today’s posts.
Orly: Hahahaa, good one Janers, you’re holding them the wrong way round! God I hate Speidi! Damnit, more Britney news. She’s a train wreck that girl. Oh look, a post on Bozzers, sorry, I mean Kate. Why is she looking so glum? She wouldn’t be looking unhappy if we were still dating. Phwoar!!! Doesn’t Selma Blair look hot? I’d like to…. oh never mind. Great, there’s a Whorelando post as well. Save Whorelando (From Himself and the Dingo), hahahahaha! Anners is so brilliant. Look, she thinks I can’t read and that I don’t visit blogsworth. That’s phunny! And Wanda, Joders and Jaded have all commented. Joders’ avvie is my bare arse! Fantastic. Hahahaha, Janers is concerned that Anners is going to beat the dingo up. I’d pay to see that. Hmmmm, maybe I should have paid the blogsworth girls to get rid of the dingo. Speaking of which, I need to read the next chapter of Joders’ Operation Abduct Orly saga. Bloody hilarious that story is. Wonder what’s going to happen next?
As we leave Orlando, he is totally engrossed in the brilliance that is Operation Abduct Orly. Will his plan to get the dingo to cheat work? Will Robin be able to convince Brandon to take the 2 million pound bribe? Will Orlando get to carry out his dream of making home movies with the blogsworth girls? Oh sorry, that’s my fantasy.
Stay tuned for Chapter 2 for more excitement!
Filed under: Orlando
FYI: You can please just disregard the comment in the SPAM file.
HAhahahhahahahahahahahahahhaaa! Joders you make laugh! That was so awesome. And cute! You kill me. Truly!
oy;ughbsd;lgjnfmclkjrgn.,fx!
I second Daners’ comment!
Anners you didn’t go into the spam pile babe, you went to moderation!
I fear that this piece of fiction is going to be more difficult to write that the one I just finished. I have no idea where to take it. And since these events are being played out in real life and in real time I don’t feel like I can just make shit up like I did with Operation Abduct Orly.
Oh well, we’ll see.
Ooh, moderation… that’s far more sessy than the spam file.
“Look, she thinks I can’t read and that I don’t visit blogsworth. That’s phunny!”
^ That’s genius.
And I don’t buy his technophobe shiz, either…
Yeah, sometimes I have moments of genius that verge on idiot savant territory.
I just spent I don’t know how long over at delphi looking for some inspiration. It didn’t work.
And today is gossip mag day in Australia, but there’s nothing in them that I don’t already know.
Very disappointing.
Oh, Delphi! I was there too. Mayfrayn showed up, but it wasn’t exciting or anything. I thought it would be, but it totes was not.
I don’t think I’ve picked up a gossip mag in ten months…
Mayfrayn! Poor girl. I think she needs to stick with OLove. She gets herself tied in knots at Delphi. And frankly I’m bored with her argument.
Ha, I wouldn’t think you’d need to look at gossip mags coz you already get your stuff from the interwebz!
Knots! For serious, she does. It’s the language barrier.
Someone alerted the forum to the fact that she posted new-old pics of dingobytch on Olove like quite recently. I checked and sure enough she did.
Why?
I don’t think a mansion can be considered environmentally friendly.
U should write comedy and start shopping for publishers.
Anners, I don’t understand why they do anything over at OLove. They have some weird board rules and some interesting mods.
I find it hard to get the whole “can’t comment on his personal life” thing. There’s only so many times that you can say he’s hot and that you want to shag him. Actually, that would probably be moderated as well!
I can only imagine how hard it must be for the non English speakers to try to get their point across. I struggle sometimes and English is my first language.
Ha, I’m part way through Chapter 2 and the dingo is still speaking with spelling errors. Making up a few sentences at a time is not so bad, but a whole chapter of it is just about killing me!
I think you’re right about the mansion thing Janers, but I’ve read articles about his “green” house in the UK, so I figured I’d try to work it in somehow. Come to think of it, I could probably use how “ungreen” his mansion really is as well!
I know you guys keep on telling me this stuff is funny, but I honestly don’t think it’s funny enough to be published. Thanks for the vote of confidence though. It does good things for my ego!!
I was reading instyle just yesterday and they had an article about ‘green’ celebrities. Sienna slutcakes miller’s global cool ’save the world’ trip to India (homewrecking whores care too) got 3 pages. some of the celebs stories were interesting but they mentioned Orlando and his ‘green’ home – I don’t care if u have energy effiecient light bulbs and solar panels in ur London home (wot about all the long haul flights and other homes?) Most celebs emit more carbon emissions in a week than most ppl do in a year yet so many of them seem to fancy themselves eco friggin warriors or something.
Late to the party!
Joders, your stuff is absolutely good enough to be published. Srsly.
I don’t get the whole Mayfrayn thing. It seems like she’s picked on because she’s too “good”, you know? I mean, not everyone can be as cool as our little group is, right?
Hahah Caiters!
Hahahaha!
I like when Orlando calls people “love.” Cause I see it so clearly in my mind. Can I jump on the Orlando train?
Of course I might need to get off and climb aboard Jensen.
^Um, That’s completely wrong of me. LOL
I’m tempted to ask you to delete it. But it’s ok, I’ll get over it.
^ you can’t take it back, Jennifer! That comment will be around for posterity. And yes, you can jump on the train because you’re cool, sessy beans.
I always thought calling people love was an old people thing.
Better late than not at all Wanda! Besides, you had an excuse. How did your super secret internets convention thingy go? Nursing a hangover the size of a small country?
Ok, it’s settled then. The stuff I’ve written is good enough to be published.
And you’re right Wanda, not everyone can be as cool as us. When it comes down to it though, as strange as some of the Orly fangirls are, I still really do feel sorry for Mayfrayn.
Jenn, you can def climb aboard the Orly express (I checked with Anners first of course, since she’s the chief engineer and all). And your comment will never, ever be deleted. When I’m 70, I’m still gonna come back here and read that comment!!
Just one thing. Did you have to say “climb aboard Jensen”? That made all sorts of images bounce around in my tiny brain. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. Thank you.
Janers, it is kinda an old person thing, but it’s also very British.
It really wasn’t meant to be so vivid. And I honestly didn’t see the pervyness till after I pushed submit comment.
Apparently, I read Part 2 first and just came across this one. Brilliant!