Thursday, 10 July 2008
In a small condominium in Chelsea, West Manhattan, three people are getting ready for their evening meal.
One is chopping organic vegetables, another is stirring a bubbling pot of something and a third is struggling with the finer points of an electric can opener.
Dingo: (tossing can opener to one side) This iz y eye I onlee drinck organik deuces. Eye dont nead a kan opena to opun the bluddy kontayna!
Dingobro: U nead tu eat mohr than just deuces Randa.
Dingo: Eye dont eet deuce, I drinck itt. Gohd ur stewpid Poostayn!
Dingobro: Muuuum! Shee corled mee Poostayn! My naeme isnt Poostayn, its Matspew. Luhk, itt seyz sew on mye burthe surtificut.
Dingomum: (looking at Poostayn’s Matspew’s burthe surtificut) Spelleinge woz nevva mye stronge poynt. Randa, stope corling ur brutha Poostayn. Itts knot nise to corl himm naemes.
Dingo: U reely shud hav stoppd afta mee, muhm. Howe kan u improove on perfeckshun?
Dingobro: (pretending to vomit) U thinck ur soooo gud juste becoz ur shagginge Whorelandoe!
Dingo: (looking embarrassed) Dont forgett hoo ur meel tikit iz, littul brutha.
Dingobro: Inkase u havnt notissed, eyem the won doinge thee cookinge.
Dingomum: Y r u embariced Randa? U shud bee prowd of shagginge Whorely. All thatte secks haz dun grate things four our phamly.
The dingo is strangely quite. For once she doesn’t have an answer. Probably because there’s no press with cameras and microphones around.
Dingobro: Ur knot shagginge himm, r u? Wot happend? Did hee denigh u privl, um privil, um, ohhh phuk itt. Izn’t hee puttinge owt anymohr?
Dingo: Shutt Upp! U dont no anithinge.
Dingomum: Randa, hunny, wotz rong?
Dingo: Whorelandoe is sutch an arsewhole muhm. Hee wont hav secks with mee. Howe coulde hee knot want tu hav secks withe me? Eye meen, luuk at mee. Eym gawguss! Itt woz lyke hee didnt even care wen I tooke mye topp off ande xpozed mye chestickles in Spayne. Ande wen I pulld hiz towl awaye and lefte himm nayked hee got soe angree! Heez sutch a frigid phucka.
Dingobro: Maebee hee finallee relized howe many poore suckas gott loste in thee blak whole befour himm and didnt wante tu bee anotha stastick.
Dingo: (picking up a carving knife and rushing at her brother) Dont u dair speek tu mee lyke thatt evah again.
Dingomum: (grabbing the knife from the dingo’s raised hand) Didnt eye evah leern u nott tu runn withe a nife inn ur hand? Hurry upp and opun thatt kan of tomatoes. Thiss foode wont coock itselfe u no. Besides, Matspew haz a shifte at Dennies that startes in 2 hours.
Dingo: (grumbling) Howe did u and dadd get kans opun befour elektrik kan opunahs?
Three hours later (thank God the author can finally type in proper English) the dingo, dingobro and dingomum have finished eating and dingobro has gone to work at the local Denny’s where he is apprenticed to Hugo Boss as a fashion desingner.
The dingo and dingomum are in the lounge room watching a yoga exercise DVD and exercising along with the instructor.
Dingomum attempts to stretch her leg at a particularly odd angle and she accidently kicks the dingo and knocks her onto the floor.
Dingo: Clunk, ooofff! (the sound of dingo falling). Watche itt mumm.
Dingomum: Thiss playce isznt bigge enuf to swinge a catt.
Dingo: Hoo wood wante tu swinge a catt insyde? Aniwhey, thee condoe borde wont lette uss keyp petts. Eye hav tu hyde Frankey inn mye handebhag all thee tyme. Eye ghet confyuzd four Pariss Hylten alotte. Eye don’t no y. Eyem mutch mohr bewtiful.
Dingomum: Ande ur dateing Whorelandoe. Thees yogurt mooves mussed cum inn handi inn thee beddruhm.
Dingo: Eye havnt hadd ani bedruhm akshun inn mohr thann too munths. Eyem sew whoreny, mumm. Eye thort thatt iff hee sawe mee naykd in Spayn thatt heed wante tu phuk mee all nite longe. Butt hee luhked at mee lihk hee woz dysgussted. Eye juste dontt undastande. Eyem a phukin VS supamodle! Eyem phukin gawguss! Hoo wudnt wante tu phuk me? Eyem startinge to thynk thatt hees ghey.
Dingomum: Eyem shaw hee luvs u dahlinge. Menn sumtymes hav phunni wayz of showinge itt.
Dingo: (eyes taking on a faraway expression) Maybee iff eye corl Brandon?
Dingomum: Thatt luvly yung mann from thee oyl phamly? Butt y?
Dingo: Beecoz eyem hungering four a hewmann tutch. Maybee hee culd give mee thee bigge Oh. Eye alwayes hav tu fayk itt withe Whorelandoe.
Dingomum: Izn’t Roye Orbisonn deade?
Dingo: (looking more confused than normal) Hoos Roye Orbisonn? Doo u thynk heed phuk mee?
Dingomum: Iff u cheet on Whorelandoe, wont thatt voyd ur kontrakt?
Dingo: Onlee iff eye get cort. Eye juste want Whorelandoe to thynk eyem withe sumwon else sew heel get jellus and wee kan hav lotts of maykup secks.
Dingomum: Watevah u thynk iz beste Randa. U alwayes whir smarte aboute thiss sorte of stuffe.
Dingo: I wunda wot eye did withe Branduns fone numba? Eye thynk I kepped it around heer sumwear. Maybee beehynd thee pickcha of Whorelandoe eye keepe in mye purse.
As we leave the female half of the Cur family, the dingo is searching high and low for Greasy Bear’s phone number and dingomum is logging on to the laptop. She’s gonna google Randa’s name.
Will the dingo find the oily heir’s number and will she call him? Will she try to call Roy Orbison for a late night rendevous? And will dingomum be able to stir up some interest in Randa over at Just Jared?
Stay tuned for the next chapter of Breaking Up blah, blah, blah, to see what happens next!
Filed under: Orlando
I hate you. I’m sitting her at work with tears streaming down my face. I just had to explain to someone that no, I’m not crying, I’m laughing.
Joders, you have outdone yourself this time. I’m so going to pimp you out now, prepare for mad blog hittage.
“Dingobro: Ur knot shagginge himm, r u? Wot happend? Did hee denigh u privl, um privil, um, ohhh phuk itt. Izn’t hee puttinge owt anymohr?”
crying!
Wheeee, phucking hard to read, but very rewarding!
This is hilarious! A little difficult to read, but well worth the effort. (I’d love to think that this little scene actually took place
“Clunk, ooofff! (the sound of dingo falling”
jajajajajajajaj!!
Not for nothing, but I have to read every Dingoese sentence aloud. My brain will not process Dingo speak. So just thing of me sitting in my bedroom reading slowly. Aloud. With only my cat as an audience.
alskhdgnblakdrbfgv!!! *THINK! Not THING!
Stoopid brain!
You’re evil, Joders! Evil!
Once I got to the dingo’s first sentence I couldn’t stop laughing… Ahahahhahahahahaaashshshshshdsuhfjdghjdfkjzlkjkajskjk!!!1
Dingo: (picking up a carving knife and rushing at her brother) Dont u dair speek tu mee lyke thatt evah again.
^ jajajjaja
f**King hilarious – good job!!
Thanks guys. I’m so pleased you enjoyed it.
I just read this again and it is really funny.
And if you thought this was hard to read, you should try writing it. When I tried to switch back to normal English to comment at some other sites, I couldn’t do it!!!
Awww Wanda, I didn’t mean to make you cry.
Daners, I’m sure Molly was a very appreciative audience.
Anners, Evil is my middle name. Joders Evil, um, yeah, Joders Evil, that’s it.
I honestly don’t know how I’m gonna top this one.
I am very happy to see that you’re finally recognizing your own genius here.
You’ll top it, I have faith in you, Joders.
Ta babe.
Chapter 3 if half written. Should be ready in 24 – 36 hours. But I really do gotta get some sleep now.
The grammar gave me a serious twitch, but it’s hilarious, Joders! I can’t wait for the next chapter!
Oh, I thought I commented on this. Weird.
Joders, you are brilliant.
I had to read this again because I needed to laugh before I went off to work.
Phunniest shiz I have ever read.
I’m planning a little Whorely phiction Christmas gift if I can manage it.
Yessssss!