Breaking Up is Hard to Do – Chapter 6

16 July 2008 – Nepal

 Orlando Bloom is sitting on the floor in the lotus position, eyes closed, chanting to the Gohonzon Scroll hanging in front of him.

Orlando:  Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, how-many-more-times-must-I-chant-this-drivel-before-I-achieve-the-true-enlightenment-of-a-dingo-free-life….

 He stops chanting, opens his eyes and sighs.

Orlando:  My faith is not bringing me happiness now that dingo breath claims to be a disciple as well.  She can’t even spell Buddhism, let alone Soka Gokkai.  She doesn’t even know where Japan is.  And it’s just as well she doesn’t know how much I love Nepal because she’d want to come here too and then tell the world that Nepal is “our special place”.  Stupid girl.  Phuck me, Pink could have written that song about Miranduhhhh.

Orlando rises to his feet and crosses the room to his laptop.  He logs on and opens his mail box which is overflowing with google alerts.  He deletes a lot of them because they are articles devoted to the dingo with only the merest mention of his name.  He understands why his fans are pissed off at this.  He doesn’t want to read this shit about the skankermodel.  If he wanted information about her he’d set his google alerts for her name, not his own.

He comes to the last alert in his mail box and his heart starts beating erratically in his chest.  The title is “Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr:  Is it over?”

He clicks on the link but has to sit down while he waits for it to open, so light headed is he.

Orlando:  (softly)  Could this be what I’ve been waiting for?  Could my plan have worked?

The link opens to this delightful article.

Orlando:  Ha!  Haha!  Hahahaha!  Hahahahahahahahaha!

When his laughter disturbs a pigeon sitting on the windowsill outside, he realises that he might have gone slightly and briefly insane.

Orlando:  Oh God, this is almost too good to be true.  And since I know how voracious she is, there’s no doubt that it didn’t stop with the canoodling in the clubs.  Where’s the phone?  I have to ring Robin.  And where’s my cheque book?  Looks like I’ve got to come good with the rest of the money.  Such a shame to have to give it to Brandoil Davis, but I suppose he did do me a favour.

Orlando dials Robin Baum without regard to what the hell time it might be in the US.  He pays Robin a handsome salary to spin his publicity for him, so Robin should answer the phone to him at any given time of the day or night.  Orlando has already decided that Robin’s salary is under review at the end of the year.  He’s had hardly any good publicity this year unless he’s spun it himself, like the Nepal trip in January and kissing that cute little Nepalese baby and now this piece of journalistic brilliance in In Touch magazine.

Robin:  Hello?

Orlando:  Robin, it’s Orlando.  Have you seen it?

Robin:  Seen what?

Orlando:  The article?

Robin:  What article?

Orlando:  The one in In Touch magazine?

Robin:  In Touch magazine only hits the news stands today.  How would I have seen it?

Orlando:  Haven’t you set your google alerts for my name?  Shouldn’t you be keeping on top of my spin?  Isn’t that what I pay you for?

Robin:  Google alert?  What the phuck is a google alert?  What have you been snorting this time Bloom?

Orlando:  (ignoring this line (pardon the pun) of questioning)  I’m snorting with laughter Robin.  And frankly, if you’d been doing your job properly, you’d know why.

Robin:  (sighing)  Ok, tell me why it is you’re snorting with laughter.

Orlando:  (excitedly)  Because I’m free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I’m free at last! 

Robin:  For phucks sake man, will you stop talking like the hippy, free spirit, alternative, bohemian rhapsody that you seem to think you are?  Speak in English.  Like the Englishman you really are.

Orlando:  The story in In Touch magazine says that the dingo, er, sorry, Miranduhhh was spotted at 2 clubs in NY on Saturday with her tongue shoved down Brandoil Davis’ throat.  And it also says that she was overheard telling him that she and I have broken up.  You know what this means, don’t you?

Robin:  No, but I’m sure you’ll enlighten me with your Buddhist wisdom.

Orlando:  No need to be snippy, now.

Robin:  Sorry, but I don’t work well on 3 hours sleep.

Orlando:  And I haven’t been working at all while I’ve been stuck in the middle of this crappy contract and this crappy fauxmance, but I digress…. what this means Robin is that Miranduhhhh has cheated on me, which means that she’s voided the contract which means that I’ve finally got the upper hand, which means that I’m gonna be on top….

Robin:  On top?  What the hell…?

Orlando:  On top of things.  On top of THINGS, Robin.  Oh my God!  You thought I meant on top of her?  Ohhhh, that’s gross, that’s disgusting, that’s just, just, it’s just….., oh I feel so dirty now!  Have you got any idea where she’s been?  What sort of diseases I could catch from her?  I haven’t touched her in months.  And even when I did I was fully rubber suited, if you catch my drift.  It’s been a lonely and cold few months, Robin.    (to himself)  Do you think if I contacted the girls from Blogsworth….?

Robin:  What?  Who?  It’s like you’re speaking a foreign language this morning.

Orlando:  (sighing)  Nevermind.  I’ll figure it out myself.  What I need you to do is to organise a meeting of my people with her people.  I’ve finally got the upper hand and I intend to use it.

Robin:  You intend to use your hand?  Orlando, there’s some really good escort agencies I could take you to if you’re that desperate.

Orlando:  Who said anything about me being desperate?  And why is this whole conversation suddenly very sexually loaded?

Robin:  You’re a handsome boy.  You haven’t had any for a while.  I just thought….

Orlando:  I don’t pay you to think Robin.  Well, yes actually I do.  But I don’t pay you to think about sex all day.  I pay you to spin me some good publicity every now and again.  At least that’s what I thought I paid you for.  I don’t really remember anymore since I haven’t had any good publicity lately.

Robin:  Who’s being snippy now?

Orlando:  I have a reason for being snippy.  I’ve been sexless for 4 months, remember?  Look, enough with the sex stuff.  I’ll be back home in my magnificent country estate in a few days time.  Organise this meeting with Miranduhhh’s people will you?  And let me know when it’s done.

Orlando ends the phone call and stands in silence for a moment.  He goes back to his laptop and visits his favourite blog – Kate Blogsworth.

Orlando:  Oh look, Anners has done a a post on the break up already!  Run Whorelando, Run!  Oh, that’s not a very attractive photo of me is it?

Orlando continues to read the post, at times mumbling to himself and at other times laughing out loud.

When he is finished reading a smile curls on his lips.  A genuine smile.  One that reaches his eyes.

20 minutes later, the whir of the electric clippers is extinguished.  Orlando looks at his reflection in the mirror and touches his hand to his shorn head.

Orlando:  It’s that sessy beast, Todd Blackburn!  God, I look years younger!  I look phreaking spectacular.  Wait till the Blogsworth girls see me!   I’ll need to take a photo of myself and post it on flickr.

He rushes from the bathroom, stopping to pick up his keys, phone and camera and heads outside into the sunshine to find a suitable spot for his self portrait.

As he sets his camera to auto he notices 2 lovely young women wandering throught the serene little garden.

Orlando:  Girls?  Excuse me girls?

Girl 1:  (looking around to check that he is addressing herself and her companion)  Are you talking to us?

Orlando:  Yes, I am.  Could you do me a favour please?

Girl 2:  (looking at him suspiciously)  Depends on what sort of favour you’re asking about.

Girl 1:  (to Girl 2)  Be careful, he could be a mugger or a rapist or a paedophile or something.

Girl 2:  (to Girl 1)  Nah, he looks harmless enough, though he’s got a touch of the henpecked about him.  (to Orlando)  So you were asking about a favour?

Orlando:  Yes.  I wondered if you’d be in my photo with me.  My little holiday has given me such a sense of freedom and I really wanted to have a photo to show everyone that I’m feeling happier.

Girl 1:  (to Girl 2)  Oh, the poor love.  He must have been sick.  That’s why his hair is so short.  Come on, let’s give him his wish.  He’s kinda cute, don’t ya think?

Girl 2:  (smiling)  Alright then, we’ll be in your picture.  Where would you like us to stand?

Orlando seems convinced that his fauxmance is dead in the water.  He seems to think that he’s got the upper hand.  And later today while he thinks some more about the Blogsworth girls, he might want to try that upper hand out.  But how will the dingo react?  What trickery will dingomum and dingobro resort to in order to retain their meal ticket?  Stay tuned in the coming days for the next funfilled episode.