Here We Go Again – The Plan (15)

4 October 2008

3pm

Wanda:  I don’t get it Joders.  I’m confused.  You bought a few little things and that’s where we come in?  You’re talking in riddles woman!

Aliers:  You’re like a cryptic crossword Joders. No-one understands you!

Joders:  I know this is a lot to take in.  But I promise you’ll all understand once I’ve finished explaining.

Akeelers:  Start talking then, coz we all want to hear what you’ve got to say.

Afers:  And I think I speak for all of us when I tell you that we all want to know what’s in those envelopes.  If Anners got a blank cheque for her birthday, there’s no telling what you’ve got for the rest of us!

Joders: (smiling)  Yes, I’ll get to that part, Afers.

 Joders takes a deep breath, concious of the 8 pairs of eyes staring at her.  She has come to regard the people in this room as her closest friends, almost family.  And she is very well aware that the information she is about to share with them will certainly change their lives forever.

Joders:  When I won this money I knew that my life would never be the same.

Jaded:  I’d have thought that much was obvious Joders.

Joders:  And I’d always said to my work colleagues that even if I won enough money that I never had to work again, I’d still want to do something.  I couldn’t just sit around the house or where ever doing nothing.  Of course I’d want to travel and slob around home for a bit, but it’d get boring after a while.  I mean, even Paris Hilton works.

Anners looks at Joders in disbelief.

Joders:  Ok, maybe not.  But anyway, I decided that the best of both worlds was to be self employed.  So I bought my own business.

Daners:  Doing what?

Joders:  It’s kinda complicated….

Jennifer:  And the lengths you’ve gone to so far hasn’t been complicated?  Gimme a break, Joders!

Joders:  I’m not sure where to start really.  But I guess the biggest thing is that after I bought the business and I thought about what else I could do, I ended up with a whole company.  Which Janers has been helping me run.

Anners:  Janers, I still cannot believe that you knew about this the whole time and you didn’t say a thing.

Janers:  (shrugging her shoulders)  Joders swore me to secrecy.  And even if I’d been inclined to break her confidence, Joders and I have been far too busy to talk about it with anyone but each other.

Ali-ers:  Ok, moving right along……

Joders:  The company is called Blue Star Enterprises.

Wanda:  Oh, well, that tells me exactly what it is you’ve been doing.  We don’t need any further explanation.

Joders:  (ignoring Wanda)  As it transpires the business I purchased lends itself to a whole host of other business ideas.  So I purchased a business and created some others.

Afers:  You are exasperating, Joders.  Hurry up and tell us!!

Joders:  (smiling)  Okay, okay!  Don’t get your panties in a twist.

Akeelers:  If my panties get any more twisted, I’ll have a wedgie under my armpits Joders!

Joders:  I bought a publishing house.

Daners:  A publishing house?

Joders:  Yeah.  And then I got thinking that I could probably publish a magazine as well, so I registered the name of the magazine.  And then I thought that a blog would probably go hand in hand with the magazine so I registered the domain name.  And then I wondered if I could expand to the US and Europe.  So I bought office space.  And I thought that if I’m publishing books then my own bookstore and coffee shop would probably work as well.  So I set it all up.  And I figured I’d get into the property market, so I bought a little something for myself and for Janers and then I bought 2 condominium buildings too.

Jennifer:  You make it all sound so easy.

Joders:  When you’ve got $280m in your bank account, everything is easy.

Daners:  That’s quite a list of purchases, Joders.  Is there anything else?

Joders:  Uhhh, yes.  There’s also the gymnasium and the beauty salon.

Joders falls silent and waits for the inevitable questions.  But there is nothing but more silence.

Janers:  Don’t you guys have any questions?  At all?  Even one?

Anners:  I’ve got a thousand!  But I’m flabbergasted.  And I don’t know which question to ask first.

Jaded:  Where’s you new house Joders?

Joders:  Of course I paid off my mortgage back home, but this is my new house Jaded.

Afers:  What do you mean “this” is your new house?

Ali-ers:  This is a hotel Joders.

Joders:  It was when I paid for it.

Anners:  You bought the Marina Pacific Hotel?

Joders:  Yeah, but now it’s my house, my office, my gym, my beauty salon, my bookstore and coffee shop and there’s 8 luxury apartments downstairs, one for each of you if you choose.

Akeelers:  What about Janers?

Janers:  (smiling)  Don’t worry about me.  Joders very generously bought me a property in Sydney and I have the top floor apartment in one of Joders’ condos whenever I stay here.  And I oversee Joders’ property portfolio.

Wanda:  I’m feeling a bit dizzy.  Do you have any of that Killawarra Dusk stuff left?

Joders:  Janers, can you look into buying a vineyard for me?  Sure Wanda, we’ve got cases of it.

Joders pours Wanda another glass of Killawarra Dusk and hands it to her.

As Joders walks back to her chair, Anners reaches out and grabs her gently by the arm.

Anners:  Joders, this is a hotel.

Joders:  (gently)  It was a hotel, Anners.  But I had it totally remodelled and had the top floor, this floor turned into a penthouse suite.  This is my home.  The third and fourth floors have four luxury apartments each, the first and second floors house the Blue Star Enterprises offices and the ground floor has the concierge desk, Blue Star Books and Beverages, Blue Star Beauty and Blue Star Gymnasium.  There’s a couple of empty shop fronts, but I’m sure I’ll think of something to go in there.  And the two condo complexes are next door.

Jennifer:  (expectantly)  You mentioned the magazine, blog and the publishing house Joders.

Joders:  Yeah, there’s Blue Star Publishing, Blue Star Blog and Blue Star Magazine.

Daners:  How are you planning on staffing all of these businesses Joders?

Joders:  I’ve already started.  I kept the Sydney staff of the Publishing house of course.  And I employed the services of those cute little pint sized paparazzi boys, what are their names?  Blaine and Austin.  They signed a contract that said they’ll only sell their photos to my blog and my magazine.  But I’m falling short for my US and European operations.  Which is where you guys come in.

The eight invitees all start to speak at once, causing a cacophany of noise, but Joders raises her hand in the air and they all fall silent.

Joders:  I know that not all of you are in the position to move here and work out of my offices.  So I’ve done the best I can to make it easy for you all to work from your own home if that suits you better.  And I know that some of you have other pursuits, like school. (Joders regards Anners, Afers and Ali-ers.)  So I’ve done my best to find you positions in Blue Star Enterprises that you can combine with your studies without too much effort.

Jennifer:  You’re employing all of us?

Joders:  Of course I am?  Why would I not?

Akeelers:  Because none of us have any experience.

Janers:  There’s nothing like on the job training Akeelers.

Joders:  So let me tell you what jobs I’ve chosen for you all as I hand out the envelopes.

Daners:  What’s in the envelopes, Joders?

Joders:  Your employment contracts.

Wanda:  Where’s the rest of the bottle of Killawarra Dusk, Joders?  I think I’m gonna need another drink.

Joders hands Wanda a bottle that is still three quarters full.

Wanda:  (holding up her empty glass)  Do you have bigger glasses than this?

Janers:  What about a brandy snifter, Wanda?

Wanda:  Yeah, that’ll do to start with.

Joders:  (looking at Ali-ers, Akeelers and Afers)  Let’s start with my South Eastern US contingent.  Guys, you are in charge of Blue Star Magazine and Blue Star Blog.  Both will be filled with gossip, glamour, food, music and all those things that make magazines great.  Afers, there’s potential for a Dear Afers advice column.  Ladies, there’s plenty of room for stories about Ben Barnes.  Akeelers, I guess a lot of the responsibility will fall to you while Ali-ers and Afers are at school.  You could probably do worse than contact Morgan to help with the music posts and articles.  Ali-ers, you might like to try your hand at selling advertising space, I think you’d be good at that.  And you’ll all be in charge of employing other staff like journalists and what not to help with the articles.

Joders hands Afers, Ali-ers and Akeelers a yellow coloured document sized envelope each.

Joders:  Here are you employment contracts guys.  Have a look at it, see if you like the salary and the conditions and then sign on the dotted line.

Akeelers:  I can’t believe this is happening.

Jaded:  Me next Joders, me next!

Joders:  Jaded, you’re in a very interesting position because you’re my only European contact.  So, you’ll be the European correspondant for Blue Star Magazine and Blue Star Blog.  I have a journalist friend by the name of Rikers if you need some help.  But I also need you to be head of the Illustration Department for Blue Star Publishing and there’s the position of, talent scout I guess you’d call it for any potential European authors.  You might get to find the next JK Rowling.  And you kinda get to be in charge of European Operations in my absence.

Joders hands the envelope with Jaded’s name on it to her.

Jaded:  I don’t think I even need to read this.  I can’t believe that you’re offering me this job.  This is a dream come true Joders.  I get to work from home, doing something I’m really interested in, spend time with my child and you’re paying me, (Jaded gasps), holy shit you’re paying me a shit load to do it.  Where’s my pen?

Joders:  (smiling and handing over the next envelope)  Jennifer, you’ll be my talent scout in the US.  And there’ll definitely be a need for you to head up to Canada to do an interview with the Supernatural boys for Blue Star Magazine and Blue Star Blog.  Morgan will probably need some help with her music columns as well.

Jennifer:  You’ve put alot of thought into this Joders, haven’t you?  You couldn’t really have chosen anything better for me.  Or for any of us for that matter.  I think I’m gonna like working for you.

Joders:  Anners, I haven’t forgotten you.  I know that you’ll be busy with your Masters Degree.  And that maybe once you’ve finished it you might like to start your PhD as well.  And once that’s finished you might prefer to work in the academic world.  In the meantime I’d like you to work as chief editor at Blue Star Publishing.  You’ll have a small team of your own of course, because I don’t expect you to edit every single book we publish by yourself.  There’ll probably be an interview with Interpol and John Frusciante that you’ll need to do.  Hmm, maybe Brian J White as well.  And if you prefer I can rent you an apartment closer to school than here.

Anners:  Uhhh, no thanks Joders, here is good.  Here is great.  Can I choose which of the apartments I want?

Joders:  (handing Anners her envelope)  Course you can.  And you can choose one of the eco friendly cars in the carpark downstairs as well.  That will be easier than catching the bus.

Wanda:  It’s my turn now, Joders.  What have you got for me?

Joders:  Wanda, as I’m CEO of the company, I’ll be doing a lot of travelling back and forth between Australia, the US and Europe.  I won’t be able to keep my eye on everything here in the US.  So I want you to be my US Operations Manager.  You’ll be chief US decision maker in my absence.  And you can be a stay at home mum at the same time.

Wanda opens the envelope that Joders has handed her and reads quickly through the contract.

Wanda:  Holy crap, Joders!  With this salary, Mr R can be a stay at home dad while I help you run Blue Star Enterprises.

Daners sits quietly on the sofa looking at all the others, but feeling a bit disheartened.

Daners:  There doesn’t seem to be much left for me to do Joders.  Everyone else has the jobs that I’d be interested in doing.

Joders:  (handing Daners her envelope)  Do ya think?

Daners opens her envelope and begins reading her contract.

Daners:  I’m not sure I understand Joders.  What is this?

Joders:  (smiling)  This is a publishing contract Daners.  I want you to write books for me.  I want you to be the star author at Blue Star Publishing.

Daners looks at Joders, wide eyed with disbelief.

Daners:  I….

Joders:  Just read the contract and sign on the dotted line.  It’s as simple as that.

Daners:  You really have changed my life forever, you know.

Joders:  Told you I would.

After another 15 minutes of contract reading and signing Joders finally collects the signed contracts and hands them to Janers.

Janers is Joders’ Australian Operations Manager, Manager of Acquisitions Property Manager and Manager of Human Resources.

Janers:  Thanks Joders.  I might head downstairs to the office and get a head start on these contracts.

Joders:  Take a bottle of Killawarra Dusk with you.  I’m sure it’ll be thirsty work.

As Janers gathers the bottle and an empty glass and heads towards the door with the contracts tucked under her arm, Anners asks one more question that Janers wants to hear the answer to.

Anners:  So Joders, you’ve got all these businesses, you’ve employed us all.  What exactly do you plan on doing now.

Joders:  There’s still the radio station, a small TV network, a music production company and a movie production company to buy if I can find them in my price range.  Or perhaps I’ll just start my own from scratch.

Jaded: And then what Joders?

A steely glint passes quickly across Joders’ eyes.

Joders:  And then I plan to take control of the multi media industry.  Perez Hilton will be begging me for a job.  David Letterman, Craig Ferguson and Anderson Cooper will be begging me to screen their shows on my TV network.  Miley Cyrus will never release another single, let alone an album.  I’ll be bigger than Mr Big and he’ll be begging me to buy his photos.  Orlando Bloom might actually work again.  And the dingHo will have to come crawling to me, on her hands and knees, begging me to publish her self help manual for young girls.  And then I will have won.

Has Joders gone mad?  Should the 8 invitees and Janers be scared?  Will Joders succeed in her bid to take over the world?  Will Whorelando work again (will wonders never cease?).  And will she win against the dingHo?

Stay tuned to see what happens in the next exciting installment of Here We Go Again.