Here We Go Again – Hiding Whorely (18)

Joders and Whorelando are only 10 minutes down the road from his house when his cell phone begins ringing.  Out of the corner of her eye, Joders sees the caller id.  Buttaflie.

Whorely:  I’m not answering it.

Joders:  Probably a good idea.  Let it go to voicemail, then we’ll listen to it and see just how cranky your butterfly is.

Whorely:  Don’t call her that.  She’s not my butterfly.  She’s my worst nightmare.

They drive in silence waiting for the voicemail notification.  They don’t have to wait for long.  Whorelando nervously opens the message and plays it. 

Dingo:  (growling angrily)  Whare thee helle r u Hawlandoe?  Eye woz eggzpekteng u tu bee hohm wen eye got heer.  Eye woz eggzpekteng a whol lott uv luving from u.  U r sutch a barstud!  Ur lyfe wont bee wurth livveng wonce eye gett mye hans on ur scrorny littul nek!  Ur puneechmunt iz gunna hav u skreemeng fore mercee, itz gunna hurte that bad.  Az fore ur peenus, eye hope ur nott tuu atashed tu it, coz eyem fare dinkem gonna kut the bluddy thing off and stik it fare up ur bumm.  Butt ude lyke that, woodnt u?  Gawd onlee noes, itt haznt bean stuk up anee ov mye orric, uh, offir, oh phukkit, itt haznt bean stuk up anee of mye holz laytly!  Eye dohnt noe howe u got awhey frum mee, but won thing iz fore shaw, wonce eyev gott u bak, thee onlee whey ur leeving mee iz in a woodn box.  Gott itt?  And thatt goze fore anee won hoo helped u.  Luv u hunny!

Joders:  Now I totally see what you saw in her.  She’s charming.

Whorelando:  Smart arse.

Joders:  (grinning)  Guess we need to hide you pretty good, don’t we?

Whorelando:  And where might that be?

Joders:  My house.

Whorelando:  Your house?  Do you want to get us both killed, woman?  How safe do you think your house is?

Joders:  Well, let me see.  You need swipe card access to my private living areas.   One call to the LAPD and I have all the personal security I need.  There’s private security in the foyer on the ground floor.  Oh, and I’ve got an ex cop living downstairs.  She’s pretty handy with a loaded weapon.

Whorelando:  Handy with a loaded weapon, huh?

Joders:  Forget it sweet cheeks.  She thinks you’re gay.

Whorelando:  Damn, that’s harsh.  

Joders:  Sometimes the truth hurts.

Whorelando:  (changing the subject)  Just how big is this house of yours?

Joders:  Not that big.  It’s comfortable.  You’ll see for youself shortly.  We’re nearly there.

Shortly afterwards, Joders pulls into the driveway of her private underground carpark.  She swipes her access card and the automatic door opens.  The Lexus quietly glides into the carpark and Joders brings the vehicle to a stop in her private parking bay.

Whorelando:  You live in a hotel?

Joders:  (sighing)  It’s not a hotel.  It used to be a hotel.  But I had it renovated.  I’ve got apartments upstairs and my place, well it’s the penthouse suite.  It takes up the entire top floor.

Whorelando:  Jesus, did you rob a bank or something?

Joders:  Something like that.

Joders locks the Lexus and leads Whorelando to the lift.  Once they get in, Joders swipes her access card again and punches in the number of the floor which houses her penthouse.

Joders:  Without the swipe card the elevator won’t go any further than the lobby.  Which means you can’t get to the Blue Star Enterprises offices, my apartments or my suite.  It’s the same with the stairs.  Without the card you can’t get upstairs from the lobby.  Perfectly safe.  And perfectly good for hiding a, (Joders looks sideways at Whorelando), a man on the run.

The lift opens on the top floor and Joders marches purposefully down the hallway to her door which also unlocks with her swipe card.  Whorelando follows her in and waits until she turns on some lights.

Whorelando:  Oh.  My.  Fucking.  God!!  This place is huuuuuge!  I could get used to living here.

Joders:  Who says anything about you living here?  Don’t go getting any ideas.  Once we’ve gotten rid of the dingHo and you’re free from her clutches, you’re free to go.

Whorelando:  Don’t you want to keep me?  I thought you loved me.  I am Whorley, after all.

Joders:  Once I might have wanted to keep you.  But your behaviour has killed much of my desire for you.  Sorry.

Whorelando:  Things are worse than I thought then.  Even the Whorely Trinitas doesn’t care too much for me anymore.  How upsetting.  What can I do to change your mind?

Joders:  Hmmm?  Have a shower.  Get some new, clean clothes.  Have a shave.  Get fit.  Get a job.  Get rid of the dingHo.  That’s not too much to ask of the previously number one googled celebrity is it?

Whorelando looks at Joders with a sad expression on his face.

Whorelando:  (sadly)  I’m such a loser.

Joders:  No you’re not.  Well, maybe just a little bit.  Don’t worry, we’ll try to fix it and restore you to your previous glory.  The old Whorelando is still in there somewhere, isn’t he?

Whorelando, still looking sad, doesn’t say anything.

Joders:  (suddenly feeling sorry for him)  It’ll be alright.  How about we get some sleep and then we can think more clearly about our next move?  Come on, I’ll show you to your room.

Whorelando follows Joders through her suite, looking lost and feeling sad.  Admitting to himself that he’s made some big mistakes over the last 12 months or so is the hardest thing that he’s ever done.  And he realises that it’s going to be hard work to mend his ways and to win back Joders’ favour.

Joders stops in front of a spare bedroom and switches the light on.

Joders:  Here you go.  This is your room.  The bed is fully made up.  The bathroom is fully stocked.  Enjoy.  Sleep well and I’ll see you in the morning.

Whorelando:  You’re leaving me?  By myself?

Joders:  Yes.  You’re a big boy.  All grown up now, but there’s a night light next to the bed if you need it.  And if you have a bad dream, I’m just down the hallway.  Yell loudly.  Nighty night.

Joders leaves Whorelando standing in his room and breezes down the hallway to her own bedroom, where she shuts the door behind herself.

Whorelando pulls downs the bedcovers, partially undresses and climbs into bed.  After laying there for a few minutes, he sits up, reaches for his trousers and retrieves a half smoked joint from his jeans pocket as well as a lighter.  He lights the joint, leans back against the bed head and takes a deep draw.

Two hours later while the penthouse suite is in darkness, there is movement in the guest room.  The guest gets out of bed and dressed in his underwear, walks to the kitchen where he opens the fridge door.

Whorelando:  (head in the fridge, bum sticking out)  I’m phrickin’ starving!  I wonder what Joders has to eat?  I could eat a bloody horse.  Oh look, there’s heaps of stuff in here.  Mmmm, a chicken leg.  And pasta salad.  Oh God!!  Mashed potato with gravy and corn on the cob.  Phuck me, spinach dip!  I wonder where she keeps the crackers?  Wait, what’s that?  Trifle?  I looooove trifle!

He piles his treasure of food onto the kitchen table and settles himself in comfortably for his feast.  Once he has polished off his meal, he puts his rubbish in the kitchen tidy, his plates in the kitchen sink and washes his hands almost compulsively.

Whorelando:  That’s much better.  I’m sooo tired now.  I think I should try to get more sleep.  Joders and I have a lot to discuss in the morning.

He ambles off down the hallway to the bedroom door, enters the dark room and slips under the covers.  Within minutes he has fallen into a gentle slumber, breathing more easily and more peacefully than he has for months.

Saturday 1 November  8am

As it is Saturday, which means no work, and since last night was a late one, Joders sleeps in.

For a minute after waking, Joders lays in bed, with her eyes open, not moving.  Then she stretches and throws an arm out to her side.  It lands on something other than the bed.  Joders turns her head in growing panic and sees that her arm has landed across the bare chest of a still slumbering Whorelando Bloom.

Joders:  (screaming)  Aaarrggghhhhh!  Holy shit!  What have I done?

Whorelando:  (disturbed from his peaceful sleep)  Aaaarrrgghhhhhhh!  What’s wrong?  Are we being attacked?

Joders:  (checking under the covers and hoping like mad she’s still wearing her pyjamas)  What are you doing in my bed, you pervert?

Whorelando:  (looking confused)  Your bed?  I thought I was in my bed.

Joders:  No, this is definitely my bed.  In my room.  In my house.

Whorelando:  (trying to suppress a smile)  Did we, uhh, did we, you know?  Do anything?

Joders:  No we bloody well did not!   So, I’ll ask again.  What are you doing in my bed?  You came in her purposely, didn’t you?  You really are pushing your luck mate.

Whorelando:  No!  I didn’t come in here purposely.  I got up to look for something to eat through the night and then I must have accidently come into your room.  I really did think it was my room.  I promise.  I’m not mucking around.  I’m telling you the truth.

Joders:  A likely bloody story.  Alright.  Get up.  Get out of my bed.  It’s time for you to have a shower.

Whorelando:  (smiling)  Are you coming in with me?

Joders picks up her pillow and goes to smash him over his smug face with it, but he is too quick for her.  He’s out of her bed and heading for the doorway as she swings her pillow into the empty space once occupied by Whorelando.

Whorelando:  Okay, I get the message.  I’m going to have a shower.

After he leaves, Joders sits in bed for a minute or so.  She reaches out and touches her hand to the still warm spot on Whorelandos’ side of the bed.

Six months ago she would have given almost anything to have him in her bed with her.  And so would Wanda and Anners.

Anners!  Oh shit!  Anners doesn’t know that Whorelando is in the house.  And Joders isn’t sure how she’s going to react when she finds out.  Having said that, Joders isn’t sure how she’s going to explain the current situation to Anners.  Even Joders has to admit to herself that what has happened over the last few hours is almost unbelievable.

If she couldn’t hear the shower running in the bathroom down the hall and if she didn’t know that Whorelando Bloom was in the shower.  Wet.  And naked……  sorry, as she was saying, if Joders didn’t know very well that Whorelando Bloom was in her house, she having driven him there herself, she would say she was having a very strange, thought not entirely unpleasant dream.

Joders sighs, throws back the bedclothes and walks to her bathroom, shedding articles of clothing as she goes.  She steps into the shower, turns on the water and stands under the warm flow, forgetting momentarily that she needs to come up with a plan to hide Whorelando and keep him safe.

Meanwhile, the man in question finishes in the shower, gets out and wraps a towel around his waist.  He finds a toothbrush and toothpaste in the vanity cabinet along with moisturising lotion, deodorant, shaving foam, a razor and aftershave.  He uses all of them and then turns to pick up his clothes from the floor.

He holds them between thumb and forefinger and looks at them distastefully.  He’ll have to get some new clothes.  Maybe Joders will come shopping with him.  These ones should go in the rubbish.  He’ll have to keep on wearing his towel until he gets something clean to put on.

He is disturbed from his reverie by a knock at the door to Joders’ suite.

Rubbing his still wet hair vigorously with a towel, he decides to be helpful and answer the door so that Joders doesn’t have to get out of the shower.  Mind you, a soaking wet Joders in nothing but a white fluffy towel is an appealing thought.

Holding the towel to his head with one hand he opens the door with the other.  And finds a young woman standing there.  A young woman who looks at him as if she has seen a ghost.

Anners:  (surprise in her voice)  What?  You?  What the hell are you doing here?  Where’s Joders?

Whorelando:  She’s still in the shower.  We both were, but I left her to finish off.  It’s a big shower.

Anners:  (pushing past Whorelando)  Is it now?  In there with her, were you?

Whorelando:  Actually…..

Anners:  You were not.

Whorelando:  (innocently)  Why do you disbelieve me?  We slept together last night as well.

Anners:  She wouldn’t do that.  There’s no way she’d do that.  She wouldn’t just….. without talking to me about it first……

Whorelando:  We didn’t get in until quite late.  I don’t expect there was time for her to, you know, call you, or whatever.

Anners:  Call me, or whatever?!  You are such a, a, a slut!  Where are your clothes?

Whorelando:  (grinning)  We came here in such a hurry, I didn’t get a chance to pack a spare outfit.  We had other things on our minds.

Anners:  You’re lying!  I’m going to find Joders. 

Anners turns on her heel and walks swiftly towards Joders’ bedroom.

Anners:  (under her breath)  Asshole.

She steps into Joders’ bedroom and immediately sees Joders’ discarded clothing on the floor.  She sees that the bed has been slept in on both sides.  And she hears the shower running in the bathroom.  Anners’ heart sinks.

Anners:  How could she do this to me?  We’re friends.  We’re part of the Whorely Trinitas.  But she shagged Whorelando Bloom.  I cannot believe that Joders shagged him. 

Anners throws open Joders’ bathroom door just as Joders is stepping out of her shower with a white fluffy towel wrapped around herself.

Joders:  Anners!

Anners:  Don’t you Anners me!

Joders:  Pardon?  What’s wrong?

Anners:  You know exactly what’s wrong!  Don’t play all innocent with me Joders Valeriana.  What were you doing in the shower?

Joders:  Ummmm, getting clean?

Anners:  Washing away your post coital bliss, more like it.

Joders:  My post what?  (suddenly realising what Anners has said)  What did he tell you?

Whorelando:  (appearing in the bathroom door)  I told her the truth about last night.

Joders:  You wouldn’t know the truth if it bit you on your lily white English arse.

Anners:  Someone had better be giving me an explanation soon.  (Looking sideways at Whorely)  A believable explanation.  Or else someone might get hurt.

Whorelando:  Ooooh!  A chick fight.  What a turn on!

Anners and Joders throw a disgusted look at Whorelando.

Anners:  So Joders, what do you have to say for yourself?

Joders:  Well Anners, it all started last night…..

Will Anners believe Joders’ story?  Will there be a chick fight as Whorely so eloquently described it?  Is the Whorely Trinitas about to implode?  Who’d have believed that Whorelando is such a troublemaking whore?  Bet you can’t wait for the next enthralling installment of Here We Go Again, can you?