Here We Go Again – Keeping Whorely Safe (19)

Joders opens her mouth to speak to Anners, to explain the situation and she perches herself precariously on the edge of a chest of drawers.

Whorelando notices immediately that the white, fluffy bathtowel is now exposing part of Joders’ thigh and he finds it impossible to drag his eyes away.

Anners realises what he is doing and shakes her head slowly.

Anners:  Joders, perhaps you should get dressed before we talk.

She indicates towards Whorelando with her head.

Joders looks at him, down towards her own leg and then back at Whorelando again and shakes her head as well.

Joders:  (to Whorelando)  Haven’t you got any manners?  The least you could do is try to make it look like you’re not staring.

Whorelando:  (bashfully)  Sorry Joders, I couldn’t help myself.  I haven’t, well, um, oh, don’t worry about it.

Joders excuses herself to her ensuite to get dressed and Anners turns directly to Whorelando.

Anners:  If you hadn’t been so obvious I wouldn’t have noticed.  It’s like you haven’t had any in months.

Whorelando:  I haven’t!

Anners:  Never mind.  Maybe Joders will let you go clubbing so you can hit on some big boobed blonde women.

Before Whorelando can respond to that suggestion, Joders is back, fully dressed.

Joders:  That’s much better.

Whorelando:   No it isn’t! 

Joders:  How about we go out to the kitchen to talk.  Whorely you can make me that cup of tea you promised me last night.  I’m sure Anners would like one as well.

Whorelando:  Incase you haven’t noticed, I’m still standing here with only a towel around my waist.

Anners:  Hadn’t noticed that at all.

Joders:  Just be really careful in the kitchen that you don’t get the towel caught in a drawer or a cupboard door.  But Anners and I promise we won’t look if you lose your towel.  Don’t we Anners?

Anners:  Promise.  Scout’s Honour.  We definitely won’t look.

Whorelando:  (sighing in resignation)  Okay, I’ll make you a cup of tea.  Where do you keep your cups?

Joders:  (smirking)  In the top cupboard.  You might have to reach up.  Be careful, that towel isn’t as big as it could be.

So Anners and Joders sit in the kitchen and discuss the events of the night before and this morning, while Whorely bustles around and makes the girls a cup of tea.

He listens as Joders tells the story of what happened the night before and begins to interject on a few occasions, but one look from Joders tells him that it’s in his best interest to keep his mouth shut.

He places the cups gently on the kitchen table in front of the girls.

Whorelando:  Um, Joders?  We might need to go grocery shopping today.

Joders:  I just went shopping the day before yesterday.

Whorelando:  Yes, well, um, it looks like I kind of demolished most of the food in the fridge last night.  I had a terrible case of the munchies.

Joders:  You lied!

Whorelando:  (looking confused - more so than normal)  Pardon?

Joders:  Last night when I asked you if you had any marijuana left you said you’d used it all.  But you hadn’t, had you?  You had another joint last night, didn’t you?  That’s why you had the midnight munchies and that’s how you ended up in my bed by mistake.   You were stoned, weren’t you?

Whorelando:  (looking embarassed)  I’m sorry.

Joders:  Look, I’m only going to say this once.  I am fully comitted to keeping you safe from the clutches of the maniacal canine.  But you need to meet me halfway.  No more lies, no more weed or drugs of any kind and no cigarettes.  If you want to stay here, those are the rules.

Whorelando:  (gasping in shock)  No more cigarettes?!

Joders:  No.  More.  Cigarettes.  They stink.  And you’ll stink.  And I don’t want you stinking up my nice house.  Do we have a deal?

Whorelando:  Yes, we have a deal.

Anners:  Wise move Whorely.

Joders finishes regaling Anners with the story from the night before and for a minute Anners is silent.

Anners:  Well, that explains that.  But it doesn’t explain how we’re going to keep Whorely safe.  The dingHo is persistent, you know?  She won’t give up easily.  She sees him as her ticket to fame.

Joders:  He’s hardly even famous himself.  I don’t see how he’s going to help her career.  (To Whorelando)  Sorry Whorely.

Whorelando:  (shrugging)  S’okay.

Anners:  Frankly I don’t see how the most famous, beautiful man on earth is going to help with her career.  She looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid.  A demented Cabbage Patch Kid with a sagging face.  If she’s a supermodel, so am I!  But back to the point at hand.  How are we going to keep Whorelando safe?

Joders:  I don’t rightly know.  Short of one of us being with him all the time I haven’t really had a chance to think it all out.

Anners:  (immediately)  I’ll take the first shift.

Joders:  (smiling)  How would you like to take him shopping to get some new clothes?

Anners:  (squeeing)  Really?  You’d let me?  I’d loooove to take him shopping.

Joders:  Just keep you hands to yourself.

Anners:  You’re no fun Joders.

Whorelando:  Incase you still haven’t noticed, I’m only wearing a towel.  I can’t wear a towel to go shopping.

Joders:  You’ll have to put your dirty clothes on I guess.

Whorelando:  I’m not putting my underwear back on.  It can just about walk by itself.

Joders:  Ohhhh, that’s gross.

Anners:  You might have to go commando, Whorely.

Joders:  Just be careful you don’t get anything jammed in your zipper.  I don’t have any medical training.

Five minutes later Whorelando is dressed, sans underwear and he and Anners are ready to go shopping.

Joders:  Here’s the corporate credit card, get whatever he needs.  And keep a really close eye on him.  Don’t let him out of your sight.  Except when he’s in the dressing room with his trousers around his ankes.

Anners:  You really aren’t any fun at all, Joders.

Joders has some phone calls to make while Anners is shopping with Whorely.

Mr Rizzuto:  Rizzuto residence, Mr Rizzuto speaking.

Joders:  Hi Mr Rissoto, is your wife home?

Mr Rizzuto:  Oh no!  You need her to make a business trip, don’t you?

Joders:  I’m afraid so.

Mr Rizzuto:  The kids will have me for dinner while she’s away.  Pleeeease don’t keep her away for too long?

Joders:  But Mr R, your kids look like such angels.

Mr Rizzuto:  Perhaps you’d like to take care of them for a few days, Joders.

Joders:  Errr, no thanks.

Mr Rizzuto:  (sighing)  Oh well, I tried.  I’ll get Wanda for you.

Joders tells Wanda what has been happening and advises that she is needed in LA right away.

Wanda:  I’ll be there right away Joders.  I can book myself onto a flight that leaves in 3 hours.

Joders:  Won’t you need to pack first?

Wanda:  I keep a bag packed for just such emergencies.

Joders:  You do?

Wanda:  Of course I do.  How many times have we had to come to Whorelando’s rescue Joders?

Joders:  Good point.  Okay, I’ll have a car waiting at the airport for you and I’ll see you soon.

Joders dials another number, this one international.

Icarus Malfoy:  Hello?

Joders:  Icarus?

Icarus:  Yes.  Is that you Joders?

Joders:  Yeah, it is.  I need to call in a favour.  Not that you owe me any of course.

Icarus:  (hesitation in her voice)  What sort of favour?

Joders:  Whorelando is in hiding.  At my house.  And the dingHo is looking for him.  I might need somewhere far, far away from Los Angeles to hide him.  I don’t think Oz would be a good idea, because the dingHo is from Oz too.  I was thinking maybe Noe Zullund, er, sorry New Zealand.  If push comes to shove could I hide him at your house for a few days?

Icarus:  Of course you can!  I’d be pleased to help hide Whorely.

Joders:  There’s just one thing you need to know.

Icarus:  And that is?

Joders:  As soon as you get involved, it puts you on the dingHo’s hit list.  It makes you a target.  It means that you’ll never be safe whilst ever she roams the earth.  You’ll have to sleep with one eye open.

Icarus:  (bravely)  I understand Joders.  And I’m in.  It’ll be like the ANZACs all over again.

Joders:  I have no doubt we’ll be just as brave should need be, but hopefully our fate won’t be the same as the originals, Icarus.

While she is waiting for Anners and Whorely to return, Joders goes grocery shopping to stock up her fridge and the pantry.  While she is packing her supplies away Anners and Whorely arrive home, laden with shopping bags full of new clothes.

Joders:  (to Whorely)  Planning on staying a while are you?

Whorely:  I’m hoping so.

Joders:  Let’s see what you got, then.

Anners and Joders are enjoying an impromptu fashion parade when there is a knock on the door.  Joders answers and finds Wanda standing there.

Joders:  (hugging Wanda in greeting)  Bloody hell, that was quick!

Wanda:  I’d have been here sooner if Mr R hadn’t confiscated my rubber superhero suit.  God I loved that suit.

Joders ushers Wanda into the living room where she is greeted with another hug from Anners.

Whorelando surveys the three women standing in front of him.

Whorelando:  I never thought I’d see the day.  The legendary Whorely Trinitas, live and in the flesh.

Wanda:  And here to save your scrawny arse.  Again.  You don’t know how lucky you are.

Whorelando:  I was wondering….

Anners:  Lord, now we’re in trouble.

Whorelando:  No, seriously.  I was wondering.  Since we’re across the road from the beach, do you think it would be okay if we all went and sat on the sand for a little while?  I’d really love to smell the fresh sea breeze.  And enjoy what little freedom I’ll probably have for the forseeable future.

Anners:  Well it’s probably more like a fresh sea gale at the moment.  What do you think ladies?

Wanda:  I can’t see too much of a problem.  All three of us will be with him.

Joders:  Yeah, why not?  My hair can’t get any wilder or curlier than it already is.  Alright.  Let’s go.

The foursome walk across the street and settle themselves on the sand of Venice Beach.  It’s cold, but the air is refreshing.  And Whorely appears to be enjoying himself.  Until a dark coloured Audi cruises down the street with the windows wound down.  A disturbing song is pumping from the sound system.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=KqZdbZ9udFk

As soon as he hears it, Whorelando jumps to his feet and screaming, he starts running towards the ocean.

Anners and Wanda run after him while Joders watches as the car comes to a stop and the driver surveys the scene on the beach, a smile playing on her lips.

Joders:  Holy shit!  How did she find us?

Joders dials Daners on her mobile phone.

Daners:  Hi Joders.

Joders:  Daners, no time for small talk, I need you to come outside and….

Daners:  You need me to come outside?

Joders:  Yes, to keep the dingHo preoccupied….

Daners:  The dingHo?  What’s she doing here?  Why does she need preoccupying?

Joders:  (under her breath)  I so don’t have time for this.  Daners, listen.  I haven’t got much time.  Last night I saved Whorelando Bloom and brought him back to stay in the penthouse with me.  The dingHo is looking for him and she’s found us on the beach across the street.  I need you to preoccupy her so that Anners, Wanda and I can get Whorley back inside.

Daners:  Wanda is here too?

Joders:  Daners!

Daners:  Okay, okay.  Keep your pants on!  I’m on my way.

Joders joins Wanda, Anners and Whorely down by the waterside.  She looks over her shoulder and her heart sinks.  The dingHo is getting out of the car.  She’s spotted Whorely and the Trinitas.

DingHo:  Whorely, hunny, ware hav u bean?

Daners:  Ma’am?  Excuse me ma’am?

DingHo:  U torking tu mee?

Daners:  Yes ma’am, I’m talking to you.  You can’t leave your car there.

DingHo:  Wot du u meen, eye karnt leev mye kah theer?

Daners:  You’re parked illegally ma’am.  You’ll need to move it.  The car park is 2 blocks down the street.

DingHo:  (doing the VS pose, hand on hip, butt stuck out)  Du u noe hoo eye am?

Daners:  No ma’am, I don’t.  Should I?  You don’t look famous or anything.

DingHo:  Uv korse eyem bluddy famus!  Eyem a phukkin’ Vee Ess supamoddle.  Eyem Muhrannduh Kerr.

Daners:  Now ma’am, there’s no need for the obscene language.

DingHo:  Wot obseen langwidge?  Eyem speekin Inglich.

Daners:  Is that what you call it?

DingHo:  Hoo thu hel ahr u enywaye?

Daners:  I’m an off duty police officer with the LAPD.  So ma’am, if I can just ask you again to move your car.  If you don’t move along, I’ll have to give you a parking ticket.  And I might have to fine you for using obscene language in a public area.

DingHo:  Beecoz eye sed phuck?

Daners:  No, because you said Victoria’s Secret.  Please ma’am, this is your last warning.

DingHo:  Butt eye juste need tu…..

The dingHo turns her head and begins to point down towards the beach.  Which is now empty.

DingHo:  Ware’d thay goe?  Thay whir thare just a minnit agoe.  Dident u cee them?

Daners:  See who, ma’am?  I didn’t see anybody on the beach.  Are you sure you’re okay?  Do I need to drug test you?

DingHo:  Butt…

Daners:  Ma’am, I think it’s best if you just get in your car and move along.

Daners takes the dingHo by the elbow and leads her back to her car where she opens the door and shoves her into the drivers seat.

Daners:  And ma’am?

DingHo:  Wot?

Daners:  If you don’t turn your music down, I’ll have to write you a ticket for disturbing the peace.  Away with you now.

The dingHo starts her car, revs her engine noisily and pulls out into the traffic.  As she drives away, she reaches out the window and flips Daners the bird.

Daners returns to the Blue Star apartment complex and makes her way to Joders’ penthouse.  She finds the front door slightly ajar.  When she walks in she finds Whorelando huddled inside a blanket, Wanda and Anners sitting on either side of him.

Joders hands Whorelando a hot cup of tea sweetened with honey for the shock and gently brushes his hair out of his eyes.  He nurses the cup in his hands.

Joders:  Feeling a little better?

Whorelando:  (teeth still chattering)  A little.  I’m sorry.

Wanda:  Don’t apologise.  It was a big shock.

Anners:  It’s okay.  You’re safe now.  We won’t let her hurt you.

Daners:  What on earth is going on here?  Can someone explain to me exactly why Whorelando Bloom is sitting in Joders’ living room?  (looking at Joders)  And what the hell happened to Joders’ hair?

So Whorelando is safe again.  For the time being.  But the dingHo knows where he is.  And she will stop at nothing to get her hairy little paws on him.  What will the Whorely Trinitas need to do to ensure Whorely’s safety?  I’ll try not to leave you hanging for too long until the next fabulous installment of Here We Go Again.