Here We Go Again – Oh Crap! We Lost Whorely! (23)

Friday 7 November 2009

By the time Joders gets inside her bedroom and closes the door behind herself, her stomach is turning somersaults again.  But not in a good way.

Joders:  Crap, crap, crappity crap!  How could I have been so stupid?  I can’t even justify it by saying I was thinking with my dick.  Because I don’t have one!  I am such an idiot.  All that hooting and hollering at everyone else about not shagging and I go and do it myself.  And then I go and ask poor simple Whorely to pretend it didn’t happen.  This is an accident waiting to happen.

Joders is disturbed from her self chastisement by a knock on the bedroom door.  Joders opens the door a crack and finds Whorelando standing outside.

They regard each other through slightly narrowed eyes.

Whorelando:  Umm, errrr, sorry Joders.  I just thought I’d put some clothes on.  I can’t rightly walk around with a bath towel around my waist all day.

Joders:  No, no, of course you can’t.  Get dressed.  That’s a good idea.

Whorelando:  It’s just that, well, you’re…..  Um Joders, you’re actually in MY bedroom.

Joders looks over her shoulder and surveys the scene.  Sure enough in her attempt to be cool and collected she has accidently walked into Whorelando’s room.  Or perhaps it was wishful thinking.

Joders:  Oh, errrr, umm, sorry about that.

Joders opens the door wider and steps out to allow Whorelando to step in.  He begins to close his bedroom door.

Joders:  Whorelando, I….

Whorelando:  Yes Joders?

Joders:  We need to talk.

Whorelando:  Oh.  No conversation that starts with we need to talk is ever a good conversation.

Joders keeps her eyes on Whorelando’s face because she knows she can’t be trusted if she looks any lower than his belly button.

Joders:  Look, about what just happened.  It all happened in the heat of the moment.

Whorelando:  (smiling cheekily)  Yeah, it was hot alright.

Joders:  I made a mistake.

Whorelando:  (looking downcast)  A mistake?

Joders:  I shouldn’t have done it.  We really have to pretend that it didn’t happen at all.  And it can’t ever happen again.  I regret what I did.

Whorelando:  (sounding confused)  You regret it?  You regret us shagging?  But?  I don’t understand.  I thought you enjoyed it.  I thought you were putty in my hands.  I know I enjoyed it.

Joders:  (smiling sadly)  Of course I enjoyed it.  It was, ummmm, ohhhh, bugger me, it was phreaking spectacular!  But we shouldn’t have done it.  I’ve spent the last few days ordering you and the girls not to fool around and the first chance I get, I ravish you in the linen closet.  I can hardly preach abstinence now, can I?  So I guess what I’m saying is if you decide to romance anyone else, I’ll turn a blind eye.

Whorelando:  I guess I understand.  I’m disappointed, but I understand.

Joders:  Please don’t be disappointed.  After we’ve saved you and you’ve been certified dingHo free maybe we can….?  But I’m sure you’ll be more than ready to move on to some big busted blondes by then.

Whorelando:  Oh, I don’t know about that Joders.  I’ve grown to enjoy living here with you.  I don’t know that I’ll want to move on.

Joders:  That’s very sweet.  Now please, go and get dressed before the overwhelming urge to rip your towel off and take you right here up against the wall overcomes me.

Friday Afternoon – 2pm

Somewhere in a hotel room, somewhere in Los Angeles a familiar face is addressing a small group of strangers.  On the wall is a line of portraits.  One each of Joders, Anners, Wanda, Icarus, Vy and Mystic.  And one of Whorelando.

DingHo:  Sew, theez hear ar thee peepul u ar luuking four tunite.  Butt, eye hav itt on gud orthoruty thatt Wanduh haz gone bak tu Nu Yalk.  And uv corse moste impourtunt, bee on thee luuk out four Whorelando.  Eye du nott intenned leeving withe-out himm.  Poostayne, iff u kan hand owt thee instukshuns tu mye staffe, err, eye meen mye freennds.

Poostain:  Muuuum!

DingHo:  Sheez knot heer u bigge luser.  Shee karnt stande upp four u nowe.

Poostain:  Mye nayme iznt Poohstayne.

DingHo:  Sorree, Mattspue, iff u kan hande owt thee instrukshuns sew wee kan mayke shaw weev gott hour plannz strayt.

Mattspue obeys his sisters orders and her friends look over the instructions they have been given.

Julie S:  This plan looks deceptively simple.

DingHo:  (looking at Julie S like she’s stupid)  R ewe stoopidd oar sumthink?  Jodahs and herr freends r reely dum.  Wee doughnt kneed anithink two cumplu, ummmm, camply, ohhhhh, phukkit, wee doughnt kneed anithink two harrd two confewze themm.

Tim the Photog:  I’m dead you know.

DingHo:  Wot?

Tim the Photog:  I’m dead.  I have been for a number of years.

DingHo:  Wye r ewe mayking thiss hardah four mee?  Orl eye wante izz tu gett thee luv ov mye lyfe bak fromm thatt eevul Jodahs and herr eevul freends.

Julie s:  I think you’re stunning, Miranda.

Lola:  Me too.  And just think.  Soon you’ll have that impressive looking engagement ring on your finger.

Samson:  And you’ll be the most stunning and most successful supermodel ever.

Tim the photog:  (shrugging his shoulders)  Alright then, I’ll play along.  Are we all clear on what we have to do?

Friday Night – 9pm

Joders followed closely by Icarus, Vy, Mystic and Whorelando, approaches the head of the line of people waiting to get into Foxtail in West Hollywood.

Doorman:  Hey, Joders!  You and 4 others?

Joders:  Thanks mate.

The doorman simply smiles, lifts the red cord roping off the entrance and lets the five of them in.

Doorman:  (to Whorelando)  Lucky you’re with Joders, man.  We probably wouldn’t let you in otherwise.

They’ve missed happy hour, but Monday through Saturday there’s dinner and dancing.  Joders has booked them all in for dinner and then they plan on dancing the night away as a reward for being shut inside for most of the last week.

Joders approaches the maitre’ d.

Maitre’ d:  Joders, hi.  Great to see you.  I’m really sorry, your table isn’t ready yet.  Do you think you guys can prop up the bar for a bit?

Joders:  Sure, no worries.  It’s been a long week.  A drink would be good.

Maitre’ d:  Thanks Joders.  Shouldn’t be too long.  We’ll holler when your table is ready to go.

Joders approaches the bar and orders a drink.  She indicates to Icarus, Mystic, Vy and Whorelando.

Joders:  They’re with me.  Just put whatever they order on my tab.  I’ll fix it up at the end of the night.

Joders climbs up onto a bar stool next to a young woman with almost platinum blonde hair and wonders how it is that the bar stools seem to get taller all the bloody time.

Joders:  Bloody hell.  These bloody bar stools get taller all the bloody time.  I’ll have to bring a bloody step ladder next time.

Blonde woman:  Hey, you’re from Oz, aren’t you?

Joders:  Yep.  Best bloody country in the world.

Blonde Woman:  I love Australia.  I’m there so often I think I should take out residency.  I see you’re with Orlando Bloom.  You part of his entourage?

Joders:  (laughing)  No.  He’s part of mine.

Blonde woman:  You don’t say?  I noticed you got in here without any trouble as well.  You must be kinda important.

Joders:  Not really.  Not unless being wealthy makes you important.  I own Blue Star Enterprises.

Blonde Woman:  Is that YOU?  Everybody in town has been talking about you.  You’ve got quite a reputation.

Joders:  I’m not sure I want to know.  (Looking sideways at the blonde woman)  You know, you look sort of familiar.

Blonde Woman:  I’m Alecia.  Alecia Hart.

Joders:  (extending her hand)  Joders.  Just….. Joders.

Blonde Woman:  Welcome to Hollywood, Joders.

Joders notices that a waiter is leading another young blonde woman across the floor to what is usually Joders’ table.  The young woman has long blonde hair and is buxom.  Joders recognises her staight away.

Joders:  Awww, shit!

Alecia:  What’s wrong?

Joders:  A waiter just took my table and gave it Jessica Simpson.

Alecia:  (laughing)  Happens to the best of us, hun.  Now you know you’ve made it in Hollywood.

Maitre’ d:  Pink!  Hey, Pink!  You’re table is ready.

Alecia Hart slides off the bar stool next to Joders.

Pink:  Great to meet you Joders.  Enjoy your night.

Pink disappears into the crowd before Joders can respond to her.  Joders orders another drink then moves around to the other side of the bar to join the rest of her entourage.  The bar in front of them is littered with dozens of empty glasses.

Joders:  Bloody hell guys, have you drunk all those?  On an empty stomach?  Shit, I’m surprised you can stand upright.  Can’t wait to get my bar tab.

Icarus:  These drinks aren’t on your bar tab, Joders.  Hic.  Ooops, sorry!

Vy:  (looking slightly the worse for wear)  Yeah.  Those nice boys over there have been buying us drinks all night.

Joders:  What nice boys, Vy?  Point to them for me?

Vy concentrates hard and points in the general direction of the booths across the other side of the room.

Mystic:  Ohhhh, I thought there was only 2 of them.  But there’s 4.  Isn’t there?  4 nice boys.  They’ve been waving to us.

Joders is able to see 2 men and 3 women sitting in a booth in the general direction that Vy has pointed.  They smile at Joders and raise their glasses to her.

Joders:  (to Whorelando)  What about you?  I suppose the nice girls have been shouting you drinks all night as well?

Whorelando:  Well, um, yes, yes they have.

Joders:  You idiots!  Do you even know who they are?  They could be with the dingHo for all we know.  She could have employed them to get you all drunk so it will be easier to take Whorelando.

Icarus:  Ohhhh.  I didn’t think about that.  Sorry Joders.  But I’m not drunk.  I promise.  Really.  Hic!

Before Joders has a chance to say anything else the Maitre’ d comes to tell her that the table is ready.  The five of them  follow him across the room, Joders shaking her head in disbelief as she watches Vy and Mystic hold each other up and Icarus almost take out a drinks waiter carrying a tray full of drinks.

Once they are seated, but before the drinks waiter arrives at their table Joders lays down a ground rule.

Joders:  No. More. Drinks.

Mystic:  Oh, but Joders, come on!

Joders:  No!  You’ve all had enough.  Including you Bloom.  I, on the other hand, have only had 2 drinks, so I intend having another.

Although the people who have been buying Icarus, Vy, Mystic and Whorelando drinks all night seem to have lost sight of them in the crowded club, Joders can see them from where she is sitting.  She intends keeping an eye on them all night. 

The drinks waiter arrives, takes Joders’ order for her drink and arranges for a pitcher of ice water for the table.  The meals waiter arrives, ready to take everyone’s order for dinner.

Mystic is holding her menu upside down attempting to read it.

Icarus:  (whispering loudly)  Your menu’s upside down.

Mystic:  No wonder I couldn’t read it!  I thought it was in Italian or something.

While they wait for the food, a drink for each of them arrives at the table.

Drinks waiter:  From the people in the booth over there.

Joders looks at them and they all smile at her and raise their glasses.

Joders:  Pick up your glasses, raise them to our benefactors, take one sip then put the glass down.

They all do as instructed but Icarus goes to take another mouthful.

Joders:  No more.  When they aren’t looking pour the contents of your glass into the centrepiece on the table then fill your glass with ice water.  Everytime they send another drink, that’s what we’ll do.  Let them think we’re getting drunk.  They’ve got something planned, I can just feel it in my water.

During the meal more drinks arrive courtesy of the their new “friends” and as per Joders’ plan, they all take one small sip then empty their glasses and fill them with ice water.  The same thing happens after dinner when they are seated in a booth near to the dance floor.

Joders and her entourage make good use of said dance floor, dancing late into the night and into the early morning.

As she sits one dance out, Joders notices Mystic and Whorelando on the dance floor getting overly familiar with each other.  As promised she turns a blind eye to it and in doing so makes a huge mistake.  When she looks back towards Mystic and Whorelando, they have disappeared from the dance floor.

Joders starts to feel panicked.  She stands up to go look for them and is grabbed around the waist by one of the two men who have been shouting drinks all night.

Samson:  Let’s dance.

Joders:  Actually I wanted to look for….

Samson:  No, they’ll be okay.  Come on!  Let’s dance!

Samson is holding her hand tightly now and will not let her go.  Joders has no choice but to follow him on to the dance floor.  She pretends to be enjoying herself, but is plotting a way to escape his clutches.

8 November 2009 – 2:30am

In the ladies restroom at Foxtail, 2 people are locked in a stall and are tearing at each others clothes.

Mystic:  No, be careful.  Don’t tear it.  Joders will know what we’ve been doing.

Whorelando:  Joders is turing a blind eye to my carnal activities.  She won’t care.  Well, okay, she’ll care, but it doesn’t matter.

Mystic:  Just stop talking and let’s do it already!

Judging by the laughing, the sighs, the gasps and the groans coming from the locked stall, it is clear to the club patrons coming in and out of the ladies restroom exactly what is happening.  They all choose to turn a blind eye to it since this sort of activity is common at Foxtail.

Approximately 36 minutes later Mystic emerges from the stall, patting her hair down and straightening her clothes.  Apart from 2 other closed stall doors, the restroom is empty.  She checks outside the restroom and then calls to her accomplice.

Mystic:  It’s clear for you to go out.  I’ll follow you in a few minutes.

Whorelando nods and leaves the ladies restroom.

Mystic studies herself in the mirror.  She is still a little flushed and her eyes are sparkling.  Over her shoulder in the reflection of the mirror she notices 2 of the women from the booth that has been sending drinks all night.

Mystic:  (smiling)  Hi!

Without warning, both women pull a container of Body Shop Mango Body Butter out of their hand bag and strike Mystic on the head with it.  She falls to the floor, unconscious and the women drag her back into one of the stalls, sit her awkwardly on the toilet and shut the stall door.

They exit the restroom with satisfied expressions on their faces in search of their next victim.

Joders is still trapped on the dance floor with Tim the Photog and Samsom.  She has tried dancing in a wide circle in the hope that she will disappear into the crowd, but they follow her.  She has tried to introduce other people into the small dance group in the hope that Tim and Samson will be distracted by the other women.  But this is to no avail.

Meanwhile Whorelando has found his way back from the ladies restroom and he and Icarus are dancing up a storm.  Vy is sitting at the table rubbing her feet.

Vy:  (mumbling to herself)  That’ll teach me to wear new shoes when I’m going dancing.

She is startled by 2 of the women from the table who has been shouting drinks all night.

Julie S:  Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.

Julie s:  We were just in the restroom and your friend isn’t feeling well.  She asked us to come get you.  I think she’s pretty drunk and you probably should get her to go home.

Vy:  Where’s the restroom?  Can you show me?

With a Julie flanking her on either side, Vy is directed to the ladies restroom.  Julie S and Julie s stand back to let Vy go into the restroom and then follow directly behind her.

Vy:  Mystic?  Where are you?  (turning to the Julie’s)  Where is…..

Out of the corner of her eye, Vy catches sight of both women with their hands raised above their heads, holding a container of the Body Shop Mango Body Butter, but it is too late to react.  Vy collapses onto the restroom floor and is dragged into another stall by Julie S and Julie s.

The Julie’s exit the restroom in search of victim number three.

With everybody else occupied Lola makes her move.  She approaches the booth where Joders, Whorelando, Vy, Mystic and Icarus have been sitting and clears all the empty glasses onto the table at the next booth.  She leaves only 2 glasses which she fills with ice water from the pitcher on the table and drops a few small pills into one of the glasses.  The pills dissolve quickly, leaving the water clear.  Lola smiles, her job complete.  For the time being.

Icarus and Whorelando come back to the booth, tired from the alcohol, the dancing and the lateness of the night.  They fall into the booth and reach for the full glasses of water without regard to where they have come from.  Whorelando drains his glass quickly.

Whorelando:  I wonder where Joders is?

Icarus:  Picking up a cute guy if she’s lucky.

Whorelando grimaces.

Icarus:  Oh, hey, I’m sorry.  I didn’t realise…

Whorelando:  No, it’s not that.  I don’t feel so good.  I think I’d better go to the bathroom.  I feel a bit sick.

He is up on his feet and away into the crowd before Icarus has a chance to say anything.  She shrugs her shoulders and makes her own way to the ladies restroom where she finds a large crowd of women standing in the doorway.

Icarus:  Typical.  The women’s toilet is always packed.

The woman standing in front of Icarus turns to look at her.

Woman in Front:  No, for once it’s not that.  They found 2 unconscious women in there.

Icarus’ heart starts thudding hard in her chest.  She hasn’t seen Mystic, Vy or Joders for ages.  It might be them.  Icarus starts pushing through the crowd and when she reaches the doorway she stands on tip toes to see what’s going on.

Icarus:  (turning on her heel and running back through the throng of women)  Holy shit!  Joders!!!!

So upset by what she has seen, Icarus runs directly past Joders without seeing her.  She stands at the edge of the dance floor craning her neck to see over the people on the dance floor in the hope of spotting her friend.

Joders approaches Icarus and calls out to her.

Joders:  Oi, Icarus.  You looking for me?

Icarus:  Joders!  Thank God!  Mystic and Vy are unconscious in the ladies restroom.  It looks like they’ve been struck over the head by something heavy!

Joders:  What?!  How?  Where’s Whorelando?

Icarus:  He went to the bathroom about (consulting her watch), 5 minutes ago.

Joders surveys the club quickly and realises that the group of people who have been plying them with alcohol all evening are nowhere to be seen.

Joders:  Shit, we’ve been duped!  We need to get Whorely and get the hell out of here.

Pink:  Hey, Joders!  Haven’t you left yet?

Joders:  Hi Pink.  No, not yet.  I’m just looking for Whorelando.

Pink:  Oh hun, you just missed him.  He left with 2 women.  They went out the side exit.

Joders:  What did they look like?

Pink:  I didn’t take much notice.  Just normal looking.  Oh no, wait.  One of them was sort of tallish, skinny, gangly….. a face like a cabbage patch kid.

Joders feels like she has had the wind knocked out of her.

Pink:  You okay?  You look like you’ve seen a ghost.

Joders:  At least I can have a ghost exorcised.  The dingHo, not so much?

Pink:  (laughing)  Dingo?  Mate you’ve had a bit too much to drink I think.  Anyway, I’ll see you around.

Joders:  Yeah, see you Pink.

Joders grabs Icarus by the arm and they start running towards the side exit.  The door is still ajar when they get there and Joders pushes the door wide open and steps out onto the street, followed by Icarus.  They are in time to see a dark coloured Audi driving away into the night.  As it rounds the corner the upper body of one of the cars occupants hangs out the window.

DingHo:  Eye wun Jodahs!  Eyev got Whorelando and ewe wont evah gett hym bak.

Joders:  Phuck!  Oh well, there’s only one thing for it now.

Icarus:  There is?

Joders:  Yep.  I’ve got to call in the cavalry.

Joders looks at her watch.  It is 4:10am.  She flips open her mobile phone and dials a number on speed dial.

Chateau Marmont – 8 November 2009, 4:11am

John Frusciante:  (sleepily)  Come back to bed Anners.

Anners stands with a sheet wrapped around herself talking animatedly into her cell phone.  When John tries to entice her back to bed by throwing the sheet away from his naked body she simply holds her hand up to him to shush him, but regards his nether regions with a raised eyebrow and a small smile playing on her lips.

Anners finishes with her call and begins to gather her clothes which are strewn all over the hotel room.

John:  What are you doing?

Anners:  I have to go.  Something really important has come up.

John:  (indicating towards his groin)  But something really important is coming up here as well.

Anners:  John….

John:  Are you sure we haven’t got time for one more go?  Just a quicky?

Anners:  (smiling)  Oh, why not?  Just a quicky.

Anners lets her sheet drop to the floor around her feet and climbs slowly back onto the bed almost bursting with anticipation.

So Joders and the girls have lost Whorely.  Anners has scored with John Frusciante and is about to try for another touchdown.  The dingHo seems to think she’s won the battle, but has she won the war?  Will Mystic and Vy be okay?  What kind of headache do you think Icarus will have in the morning.  All these questions and more will be answered in the next edition of Here We Go Again.

(NB  Sorry this chapter was sooooo long, but I couldn’t stop once I got on a roll.  Oh and if there’s spelling mistakes and stuff, I’m sorry about that too, but it’s late and I’m tired.  Enjoy!!)