Here We Go Again – Stealing Whorely Back (26)

7:00 am, Sunday 16 November 2009 – Miami Beach, Florida

Two trailers sit at the edge of the beach.  Both are emblazoned with EuroStar Modelling.  Both will soon be bustling with activity.

A gleaming black stretch Hummer arrives at the beach and parks next to the trailers.  The doors to the Hummer open and Joders, Wanda, Anners, Icarus, Mystic, Vy and 2 others spill out of the vehicle.

Joders:  If you guys want to set up in the trailers, I’ll set up the coffee machine.  Who wants coffee?  Tea?  Milo?

Wanda:  What the hell is Milo?

Joders:  It’s Australian for hot chocolate.

Wanda:  Has it got lots of sugar?

Joders:  I guess so.

Wanda:  Milo it is then.  Infact, we should all have Milo.  It’s going to be a long day and I think we’ll all need the energy.

15 minutes later Joders is handing out mugs of Milo to her entourage.

Mystic:  Errrrrr!  This stuff is awful.

Joders:  It’s an acquired taste, I suppose.  Like vegemite.  I’ve got vegemite sandwiches for us for lunch, by the way.

Icarus:  Oh no!

Joders:  I’m kidding!  I’ve got meat pies and lamingtons.

Anners:  So ladies, what’s the plan?

Wanda:  Is Anners talking to you, Joders?

Joders:  She said ladies, so I don’t think so.  I thought she was talking to you.

Wanda:  Hardly.

Anners:  So slags, what’s the plan?

Icarus:  Oh, that’s better!  Now I know who she’s talking to.

Wanda:  The Victoria’s Secret Super Sluts are due to arrive here very shortly.  I’m willing to bet Mr Rizzuto’s right….

Vy:  Wanda!

Wanda:  His right arm, Vy!  I’m willing to bet Mr Rizzuto’s right arm that the dingHo will have Whorely holed up in her trailer.  The dingHo will be busy cavorting on the beach for most of the day, but those times she’s not needed we need to keep her busy, keep her occupied and keep her away from her trailer.  Then while she’s not looking we’ll break into her trailer, steal Whorely back and then make a fast getaway.

Mystic:  (hopefully) What do we do with him after that?

Joders:  Not what you’re thinking, Mystic.

Mystic:  What, then?

Joders:  (smiling)  Tonight when the dingHo is stalking along the catwalk dressed as a giant moth, Whorely will be safe in Russia.

Icarus:  What’s in Russia?

Vy:  Russians, I’m guessing.

Anners:  (laughing)  Yes, Russians.  But that’s not all.  This evening, there’s a Land Drover 4WD show in Moscow.  We all know how much Whorely loves motorbikes and cars and boys toys.

Wanda:  By the time the photos and videos from todays VS photoshoot and catwalk are released, we’ll have our own photos of Whorely looking like he’s having the time of his life at the 4WD show in Moscow.  The timing couldn’t be better.  All the shippers are going to be saying that Whorely was busy working or something so he couldn’t be here in Miami Beach to support the dingHo.  And then we’ll release our photos that clearly show he couldn’t care less about the dingHo.  That he was too busy having fun to even give a shit about the most important VS show of the whole year.

Vy:  Wanda, you are truly evil.

Wanda:  I know.

The girls are disturbed by the arrival of a stranger on a motorcycle.  He parks his bike next to the Hummer, alights from the bike, takes his helmet off and saunters over to the group.

Joders:  (holding her arms out for a hug)  Thanks for meeting us here.

Stranger on a motorcycle:  (hugging Joders)  Like I was going to pass up the opportunity to take photos of beautiful women in bikinis.  How come the rest of you aren’t going to be in the shots?

Anners:  Incase you haven’t noticed, not all of us look like models.

Joders:  (to the stranger)  You’re a cheeky little bugger, aren’t you?

Icarus:  He might be a cheeky little bugger Joders, but who the hell is he?

Joders:  Everyone, this is Tom the Photog.

Tom:  And I’m not dead.

Vy:  But Joders, he’s only about 8 years old.

Tom:  I’m 18 actually.  I’m old enough to have a motorcycle licence.

Mystic:  But you’re not old enough to drink.

Wanda:  I’m old enough to have given birth to him.

Joders:  Me too, but he works with the Pint Sized Paparazzi boys and he does really great work.  Why don’t you go and get your gear, Tommy?  The Vapid Slut, errmmm, I mean the Victoria’s Secret girls should be here shortly and we’ll be ready to start then.

Joders then turns her attention to the two other girls who have joined them this morning on Miami Beach.  The two girls that she called days ago.  The two girls who are integral to this plan to steal Whorely back.

Joders:  Ladies, it looks like your makeup and hairstyling team has arrived.  The swimming costumes are in the trailers.  Are you ready?

Jaded and Slaparr both look at Joders.

Slapparr:  This had better be worth our while Joders.

Jaded:  I wouldn’t parade around in a bikini on Miami Beach for just anyone Joders.

Joders:  I have utmost faith in you girls.  I know you’ll be able to pull it off.

Slapparr:  Frankly, there’s something else I’d rather be pulling off.

Joders:  All in good time, Slapparr.  Okay, off you both go.

Jaded:  I can’t wait to catch up with the dingHo.

Slapparr:  She isn’t going to know what hit her.

Jaded:  Right upside the head.

Jaded and Slapparr walk towards the trailers, discussing their plan for meeting the dingHo face to face.

 When Jaded and Slapparr emerge from their trailers the beach is literally swarming with people from the VS crew.  There’s makeup artists, hair stylists, spray tan staff, fashion stylists, photographers, lighting guys, directors, producers and dozens of models.

The girls take their places on the beach where Tom has set up his gear.

Jaded:  Are you taking real photos of us?  Or are you just pretending?

Tom:  Jaded, I’m crushed!  I’m a professional photographer.  Of course I’m taking real photos.

Slapparr:  Not just of our boobs, alright?

Tom:  Trust me, Slapparr.  I’m a professional.

Slapparr:  That’s what worries me.

Tom gets to work taking photographs, directing the girls into various poses, calling the hair stylists in to fix their hair or the makeup artists to touch up their makeup.  And it isn’t long before the VS photoshoot starts as well.

Anners:  Icarus, it’s your job to scope out the dingHo’s trailer.

Wanda:  You’ll need this security pass.

Wanda hands Icarus an official looking EuroStar Modelling security pass.  She looks at the pass closely.  There is a photo of her on it, along with her name, Ichabod Mellow, and the word STAFF emblazoned across it.

Icarus:  Ichabod Mellow?

Anners:  We could hardly put your real name on it, could we?   We don’t want to alert the VS security or the dingHo to the fact that we’re here.

Icarus:  I guess not.

Icarus hangs the lanyard around her neck.

Anners:  And here’s this listening device thingy as well.  You’ll be able to hear us and communicate with us and we’ll be able to hear you and talk back to you.  It’s in your hands Icarus.  Good luck.

Icarus puts the earpiece in her ear and tucks the device in her pocket.

Icarus:  I won’t come back without him.

Joders:  Good girl.  I knew we could count on you.

 Icarus is soon lost in the throng of VS people and making her way towards where she believes the dingHo’s trailer is.

Slapparr:  I see the dingHo.

Jaded:  Where?  All I can see is 2 dozen mostly brainless women dressed in white bikinis.

Slapparr:  She’s the one flapping her arms in the air like she’s a bloody butterfly or something.

DingHo:  Luuk att mee evreeboddie!  Eyem a buttaflihe!  A byootifull buttaflihe!  Eyem fleye-ing lyke a buttaflihe!

Jaded:  I wish you had the lifespan of a butterfly, you stupid little twit!

Slapparr:  Tom, can you move us closer to the dingHo?

Tom:  Course I can.  But we’ll have to do it slowly.  If we move too fast the VS crew will kick us off the beach.  They don’t like when other photographers and models try to to muscle in on their turf.

Icarus meanwhile, is edging towards what she now knows to be the dingHo’s trailer.  There is a big cardboard star coloured in pink crayon and embellished with lots of gold and silver glitter that has her name written on it.  It is stickytaped to the trailer door.  Clearly someone who can spell has written her name for her since it is spelled correctly.

Icarus slips to the back of the trailer and stands on tip toes to see if she can see in one of the back windows.

VS Security Guard:  What do you think you’re doing?

Icarus:  Who, me?

Security Guard:  There doesn’t appear to be anyone else for me to talk to.  Who are you?

Icarus:  I’m Icar…, ummm Ichabod Mellow.  I’m a location scout for EuroStar Modelling.  I’m just looking for some interesting locations for a photoshoot.

Security Guard:  Behind a trailer?  Let me look at your security pass.

The Guard reaches for Icarus’ pass and pulls it so hard that he almost pulls her off her feet.  He studies it closely, comparing the real Icarus to the photo of Ichabod.

Security Guard:  Yeah, I guess you’re legit.  But I still don’t get what you’re doing behind the trailer.

Icarus:  I was actually looking for a bit of shade.  It’s hot on the beach today.  And the sun is reflecting off the water and the sand.  I’m feeling a bit dehydrated.  Do you know where I can get a bottle of water?

The Security Guard takes his baseball cap off to reveal a completely bald head, glistening with perspiration.  He wipes a kerchief over his head and then puts the hat back on.

Guard:  (smiling)  Yeah, it is hot today.  If you walk past the next 2 trailers and around the corner there’s a guy with a stand giving out cold water.  Tell him Paul Blart sent you.

Icarus:  Thanks Paul.  Nice meeting you mate!

Icarus moves off in the direction that Paul Blart has indicated and once he is satisfied that she is indeed going to find the water guy, Paul disappears back into the crowd of VS crew.

When Icarus is sure that Paul has moved on, she returns to the dingHo’s trailer and stands on tip toes to look in the back window.  She thinks she sees someone inside, but she isn’t certain.

Icarus:  (whispering loudly)  Whorelando?

She waits for a response and gets none.

Icarus:  (a little more loudly)  Whorelando?  Are you there?

Whorelando:  Icarus?  Is that you?

Icarus:  No, it’s not Icarus.  It’s Ichabod.  Are you alright?

Whorelando:  Ichabod?

Whorelando starts laughing and laughs until he snorts.

Icarus:  Charming.  I asked you if you’re okay?

Whorelando:  I guess so.  Bloody relieved to hear your voice….. Ichabod.

Icarus:  How do I get in?

Whorelando:  Ummm, you could try the door?

Icarus:  I can’t use the door.  Everyone will see me.  I’m not supposed to be here.  And if the dingHo spots me, we’re both dead meat.

Whorelando:  The window in the bathroom is open.  You could climb in there.

Icarus looks up and to the right.  High up there is an open window.  She thinks she’ll fit through the window, but getting up there in the first place might be a bit of a challenge.  She notices that the window is directly above one of the tyres on the trailer.  Maybe if she stands on the tyre, she’ll be tall enough to reach the window.

Whorelando:  Icarus?  Are you still there?  What are you doing?

Icarus:  I’m trying to reach the window.  Unlike the dingHo, I don’t have abnormally long and skinny limbs.

Icarus stands on the tyre and with a small leap upwards, manages to grab hold of the bottom of the open window.  She looks for a foothold and sees a silver looking handle.  When she stands on the handle, it moves and releases something that sounds like liquid onto the ground below the trailer.

It isn’t long before the stench starts to waft upwards.

Icarus:  Mother of God!  Is that what shit smells like when you’ve been on a 3 day juice fast?  That’s enough to knock a person unconscious.  Oh God!  That’s gross.

Icarus is feeling a little light headed when she gets herself up into the open window.  Before she realises, she starts to fall headfirst into the bathroom.  She lands upside down on the floor, miraculously having missed hitting her head on the toilet and the handbasin.

Whorelando:  Icarus?  Are you okay?

Icarus:  Yep, I’m okay.  I haven’t broken anything.  That I’m aware of.  I’m all good.

She emerges from the bathroom, patting her hair down and finds Whorelando lying on the King size bed at the back of the trailer.  He’s tied by his wrists to the head of the bed and his ankles to the foot of the bed.

Icarus:  You poor thing!  Let me untie you.

On the beach, the dingHo is momentarily disturbed by what she thinks is a crashing sound.  Her head swings towards her trailer, earning her the ire of the photographer.

VS Photographer:  Come on Miranda!  Concentrate!  You’ve just ruined the shots.  It’s gonna take another 15 minutes to get them again.

Icarus busies herself untying the cords around Whorelando’s wrists and ankles.  When his arms and legs are free, she starts to help him to a sitting position.  They’re going to have to climb out of the bathroom window and she’s worried he might be a bit weak after being held captive for so long.

Whorelando reaches out and grabs her arm.

Whorelando:  What’s the rush, Icarus.  The dingHo will be outside posing in her togs for ages yet.  Surely you’ve got 36 minutes to spare?

Icarus:  (smiling and touching her fingers to the earpiece like she’s in the CIA or something)  Joders?  Are you there?

Joders:  Yep, you’ve got me Icarus.  What’s happening?

Icarus:  I think I’ve found Whorelando in the dingHo’s trailer but it’s gonna take me a bit to get in and get him out.  Keep an eye on the dingHo.  If there’s no way of stopping her coming back to the trailer, give me as much notice as possible.

Joders:  No worries.  Good luck.

Icarus:  Thanks Joders.  But somehow I think everything is going to be good.

Icarus adjusts the listening device thingy so that she is able to hear Joders, but Joders is not able to hear her as Whorelando struggles with getting the buttons on his jeans undone.

Whorelando:  God, my fingers have pins and needles, I can’t get….

Icarus:  Let me….

 Some time later the dingHo has a short break.  As she pulls on her satiny robe she thinks she hears something.  A noise.  A moan perhaps?  Coming from the general direction of her trailer.

Curious, she begins to walk towards the trailer.

Anners notices the dingHo making a break for it and jumps to her feet, ready to cut the dingHo off at the pass.

Wanda:  No, Anners!  The dingHo doesn’t know we’re here.  Vy, run and tell Jaded and Slappar they need to stop her.

Vy rushes to Jaded and Slappar with the message and the girls immediately make their way towards the dingHo.

Moronduuhhh stops short as Jaded and Slapparr appear in front of her.  At 5′11″ and 6′ respectively, both girls tower over her.

dingHo:  Gett owt ov mye whey.

Slapparr:  Miranda Kerr?

dingHo:  Yess?  Hoo ar ewe?

Slapparr:  (nodding towards Jaded)  This is….

Jaded:  Katinka.

Slapparr:  ….. and I’m….

Jaded:  Sloane.

Slapparr:  We’re modelling for EuroStar Modelling and we are such big fans of yours.  When we saw you here we knew we had to meet you.

Jaded:  (in Hungarian)  You are a double chinned, cabbage patch kid who’s career is over before it started.

dingHo:  Wot didd shee say?  Eye dont undastande otha langwidges.

Jaded:  (in Hungarian)  How could you understand other languages when you can’t even speak English?

dingHo:  Wott didd shee say?

Slapparr:  She said she’s your biggest fan and if she turns out to be half as successful as you, she’ll die happy.

Jaded:  (in Hungarian):  You are a lying whore.  No one believes that you’re shagging Whorelando.  The only people being screwed are his fans.  The ones you despise so much.

Slapparr:  She said she can only aspire to be a Victoria’s Secret model.  And to make as much money as you do.

Jaded:  (in Hungarian)  Where do you get off attempting to write a book called Treasure Yourself as a self help manual for teenaged girls?  If my daughter wanted to buy your book and be like you, I’d lock her up until she turned 30.

Slapparr:  She said you are the best Victoria’s Secret Supermodel.  Much better than Heidi and Adriana and Alessandra.  And soooo much better than Doutzen.  She said she thinks you should be the lead Angel and she can’t wait until Heidi gets booted out on her fat arse.

dingHo:  Oooo, shee corled mee a supamoddul!

Jaded:  (in Hungarian)  I can’t wait till Whorelando dumps your lying, bony, skanky ass because none of us can stand to look at your phugly, oily, google eyed, vacuous mess of a face.  You make me want to vomit.

Slapparr:  She said she can’t understand why you’re only number 10 on the Forbes list of highest earning models this year.

dingHo:  Eye noe!  Eye meen, eyev dunn evree think eye kan tu gett mye naym owt theer.  Eyev gott thee papps on speid dile and thay cum runneng wen eva eye corl themm.  Eyem shaggeng Hawlandoh Blum fore phux sayk.  And evun thatts knot helppeng.  Orl eyev bean abul tu gett iz sum subb standid kontrack wyth a tu bitt Deepurt, ummmm, Dipport, ohhhh phukkit, a tu bitt clowths shop.  Evun Old Navee wood paye mee mohr than Dee Jayz.  Eye doughnt noe wot eyem duing ronge.

Jaded:  (in Hungarian and smiling)  It’s because you’re a low down, lying, cheating, phucking whore who has lied and cheated and used people to try to get ahead.  It’s because you’re just about the stupidist creature on the earth.  It’s because you’re so phugly that photoshopping makes you look even phuglier than normal.  It’s because you’re a retarded Cabbage Patch Kid with Xavier Roberts’ signature on your ass.  It’s because you are a dingHo bytch.  And it’s because karma is coming back to smack you up the back of your dumb ass head.

Slapparr:  (smiling)  She says you’re beautiful.  And thank you for talking to us.

dingHo:  Shee sed alott ov werds juste tu sae eyem byootiful and thank ewe.

Slapparr:  Hungarian is quite a wordy language.

VS Photographer:  Hey Miranda, breaks over, babe.  Get your tush back over here.

dingHo:  Thay juste karnt doo with owt mee, eye gyess.  Mayk shore ewe tell evree won howe grate ewe think eye amm.  Cee ya’s.

Jaded and Slapparr stand for a moment and watch as the dingHo sashays back to the photographer and the other VS girls.

Jaded:  I don’t know how you kept a straight face when you were translating for me….. Sloane.

Slapparr:  I didn’t understand a word you were saying, but I think I can make an educated guess…. Katinka.

Jaded:  Let’s get back to the group.  On the way, I’ll tell you what I really said.

Back at the dingHo’s trailer Icarus buttons up her shirt and runs her fingers through her hair to settle it down.

Whorelando is now fully dressed and watches Icarus while she puts the listening device thingy back on.

Icarus:  Joders?

Joders:  Icarus, how’s it going?  Are we almost ready to make a getaway?

Icarus:  Start packing up the Hummer.  I’ve got Whorelando and we’re going to climb out a window at the back of the dingHo’s trailer.  We’ll be there in a few minutes.

Joders:  Good girl Icarus.  I knew I was right to send you.  We’ll see you shortly.

Anners:  Well?  Does she have him?

Joders:  I think she’s had him, all right. 

Anners:  Pardon?

Joders:  Yeah, she’s got him.  They’ll be here in a couple of minutes.  We need to start packing up the gear.

Within minutes any sign that EuroStar Modelling was on Miami Beach is gone.  And Tom the Photog has packed up his photography gear.

Joders gives him a quick hug.

Joders:  Thanks Tommy.  See you back in LA.

Tom:  Do you know when you’ll be back?

Joders:  Hopefully in a few days, all things being well.

Tom:  Good luck, Joders.

The girls stand around the Hummer waiting for Icarus and Whorelando to arrive.  Wanda keeps looking over her shoulder to make sure the dingHo doesn’t spot them.  They are so close to stealing Whorely back and are determined that no rabid dingHo is going to foil their plan.

Everyone is pleased to see Whorelando and he is equally pleased to see them.

Wanda:  (sticking her finger in the rip on the sleeve of Whorely’s shirt)  What happened here?

Whorely:  (sheepishly)  I slipped when I was climbing out the window and ripped my shirt.

Anners:  God, you’re a clumsy bugger, aren’t you?

Whorely:  I was a bit weak at the knees.

Icarus:  From being held captive for so long.

Joders looks at Icarus with a look that clearly says “I know what you’ve been doing and being held captive has nothing to do with it”.  Icarus pretends she doesn’t notice.

Joders:  Okay then, lets get in the car.  We’ve got a flight to catch.

Whorelando:  Do we?  Where to?  This is very exciting!

The next scenes happen in slow motion.  Joders is just climbing into the drivers seat of the Hummer and Anners is climbing into the front passenger seat when she looks back towards the beach.

All hell has broken loose on Miami Beach.  The dingHo has been back to her trailer and she knows that Whorely has been stolen.  She runs out of the trailer and onto the golden sands on the beach, holding the cords that she had used to bind Whorely to the bed.

dingHo:  Eyev bean dubble crost!  Kerr-suss on thatt bluddy Jodahs!  Ware thee helle iz hee?  Hawlandoh?

She starts running towards the EuroStar Modelling trailers and doubles her pace when she sees the Whorely Trinitas getting into the Hummer.

dingHo:  Hawlandoh!  Doughnt ewe dair leeve mee!  Eyell mayk ur lyfe sooo mizri, ummmm, mezro, ohhhhh phukkit, eyell mayk ur lyfe sooo unhappee that yule wishh ewed nevva bean borne.

Anners:  (Shouting)  Get in the epphin’ Hummer everbody!  NOW!  Joders, how fast can you drive?

Joders:  As fast as I bloody well need to.

Whorelando:  (remembering the night Joders saved him on Outpost Drive)  In reverse if necessary.

 With everyone safely inside the vehicle, Joders activates central locking, throws the car into gear and screeches onto the highway.

In the rear vision mirror, Joders can see the dingHo running at an unnaturally rapid pace.  Her face is contorted with hatred and rage.

dingHo:  (screaming)  Eyem go-eng tu kille ewe Jodahs!  Eyem go-eng to kille awl ov ewe.  Ur lyves ar ova!

Joders stamps down on the accelerator and speeds away from Miami Beach, towards the airport.

Joders:  I wish now I’d taken those driving lessons from Daners on how to drive a patrol car around the corner on two wheels.

Wanda:  (hanging on for life)  It’s okay Joders, you’re doing just fine at driving on two wheels around the corner even without lessons.  Just try not to kill us, okay?

Joders:  The alternative is to be ripped apart by the rabid dingHo.  Take your pick.

Wanda:  Drive faster, woman.  What are you dilly daddling for?

Will Joders get the girls and Whorelando to Miami International Airport before the dingHo catches up with them?  Will they all catch the flight and get safely to Moscow?  Have the Whorely Trinitas and their assistants finally managed to save Whorely from the evil clutches of the slobbering dingHo?  Only another chapter of Here We Go Again will tell.