Here We Go Again – In the Air with Aragorn and Back to Earth with the Elf Boy (28)

16 November 2008 – On the Tarmac

As soon as he sees Aragorn, errmmm, I mean Viggo, Whorelando starts hopping up and down in excitement and then he launches into a full run, directly towards the older man.

Whorelando:  (squeeing)  Viggo!!

Whorelando jumps into the air straight towards Viggo, who catches him in a bear hug.  He wraps his legs around Viggo’s waist and plants a big kiss on his cheek.

Viggo:  (laughing)  How are you doing, Elf Boy?

Whorelando:  I’ve been better, Filthy Human.  But Joders and Anners and Wanda and the rest of the girls have been looking after me.

Viggo peels Whorelando off of himself and pushes him back to the ground.

Viggo:  I’ve been speaking with Joders a lot over the last few days.  She’s told me what’s going on.  And I fully support what she and the girls are trying to do for you.  You should be really grateful.

Whorelando:  I am, Viggo.  I am!  Really.  I don’t know what I’d do if it wasn’t for the Trinitas and the rest of the Fellowship.

Viggo:  Good.  I’m glad to hear it.  Now, show me just how grateful you are by getting on this plane.

Whorelando:  (petulantly)  But, it’s got a giant picture of my head on the side.

Viggo:  There’s a giant picture of my head on the side as well, but you don’t hear me crying like a little girl, do you?  Come on, be a man.  Get on the plane.

Whorelando:  (sighing)  Yeah, okay then.

He starts up the steps towards the entrance and Viggo looks towards the rest of the group.

Viggo:  After you, ladies.

Jaded, Slapparr, Mystic, Anners and Wanda all head up the steps.  But Vy and Icarus hang behind.

Joders:  (sadly)  You’re not coming with us, are you?

Vy:  No.  I think I’ve done as much as I can.  And I’ve had all I care to have.  If you get my meaning.

Icarus:  I’m not going either, Joders.  I’ve had lots of great adventures since I got here.  But I’m done.

Joders:  (nodding)  We  couldn’t have done what we did without you both.  I really appreciate it.  Do you still have the company credit card Vy?

Vy:  (handing the card to Joders)  Yeah.

Joders:  Use it get  flights back to LA for yourself and Icarus.  Icarus, once you’re back in LA, if you want to continue on to New Zealand, get Janers to organise a flight home.  What ever you decide to do, be careful and good luck.  And thank you again.

Joders hugs Icarus and Vy in farewell and watches as they return to the Concourse.  Then she turns back to Viggo, who is still waiting for her.

Joders:  Here we go again.

Viggo:  (smiling)  As if you’d have it any other way.

Joders:  You know me so well, Viggo.

Viggo:  (under his breath)  Not as well as I’d like.

Viggo ushers Joders up the stairs in front of him, enjoying the view.

Joders:  Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing, Mortensen.

Viggo:  Goddamn, Joders.  Give a man a break, will you?

Joders:  Only when he deserves one.

Viggo waits patiently as Whorelando and the girls seat themselves and buckle themselves in.

Viggo:  Welcome, again, to Blue Star Airlines inaugural flight to Moscow.  I will be your flight attendant for the duration of the flight.  I have no idea what so ever how long it will take to get there.  Once we have reached our cruising altitude you can take off your safety belts and move freely around the cabin.  Dinner will be served in 2 hours time.  Beverages are available from the bar at the pointy end of the plane.  So sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.  Thank you for choosing to fly with Blue Star Airlines.

Wanda:  What’s the in flight movie?

Viggo:  Lord of the Rings.

Mystic:  Which one?

Viggo:  All of them!

Whorelando:  Oh no!

Anners:  Just be thankful it’s not Elizabethtown.

Viggo seats himself next to Joders and buckles his safety belt.

Joders regards him from under a raised eyebrow.

Viggo:  What?  I don’t fly well.  I might need to grab someone’s hand if I get scared.

Joders:  What about Whorelando’s?

Viggo:  He’ll be too busy waving his arms in the air and screaming like he’s on a roller coaster.

Joders pops a stick of gum in her mouth and starts chewing as the plane taxis along the runway, preparing for take off.  She hands the packet around incase others want some as well.

The plane has barely left the ground when Viggo grabs her hand in a vice like grip.

Joders:  Viggo, you’re breaking my hand!

Viggo:  I’m sorry.  I told you I don’t fly well.

Joders:  Perhaps you should try doing something to relax yourself?

Viggo:  (turning his head to look at Joders)  I can think of one thing….

Joders:  Jeez, it must be true that men think about sex every three minutes.  I was actually thinking of reading or listening to music or having a drink.

Viggo:  But sex is much more fun than reading or music or having a drink.

Joders:  Where on earth do you imagine that we would do it?  IF, I said yes.

Viggo:  The restroom.

Joders:  Are you crazy?

Viggo:  Why?  You did it with Whorelando in the linen cupboard.

Joders:  My linen cupboard is much bigger than the restroom on a plane.  Can we please stop talking about this?  I won’t be having sex with you today.

Viggo:  What about tomorrow?  Or the day after?  You only said not today.

Joders:  If I tell you I’ll think about it, will you shut up?

Viggo:  Yes!  Definitely.  I’ll definitely shut up!

Joders:  Alright then, I’ll think about it.

There is momentary silence.

Viggo: Joders?

Joders:  Hmmmm?

Viggo:  When?

Joders:  When what?

Viggo:  When will you think about it?

Meanwhile, Whorelando unbuckles his safety belt and sits down next to Anners.

Whorelando:  Whatcha reading?

Anners:  (not looking up)  Raymond Chandler.

Whorelando:  What does he write?

Anners:  Noir.

Whorelando:  What?

Anners:  (still not looking up)  Noir.  Of or relating to a genre of crime literature featuring tough, cynical characters and bleak settings.

Whorelando:  Oh.  Sounds, ummm, fascinating.

Anners:  It would be if I couldn’t hear incessant chattering in my head.

Whorelando:  You’re hearing voices in your head?  God, Anners, you really should see a doctor about that.

This time Anners does look up.  And she looks at Whorelando with a withering gaze.

Whorelando:  Oh.  You mean my incessant chattering.  Sorry.

Anners:  Is there something you wanted to ask me, Whorely?

Whorelando:  Well yes, actually there is.

Whorelando leans in close and murmurs into Anners’ ear.

Anners:  In your dreams, mate!  I’m not shagging you until you’ve produced a medical report and we’ve had a really long talk.

Whorelando:  But….

Anners:  No buts about it.  Medical report and a really long talk.

Whorelando:  (sighing)  I’ll let you get back to your book then.

Anners:  Thank you.  I knew you’d understand.

Whorelando retires to his own seat.  Slumped in the seat, he begins thinking about how to get his hands on a medical report.

A few rows ahead of him, sits Slapparr.  She is amusing herself with flicking through a magazine.  She crosses her left leg over her right and shifts herself into a more comfortable position.

Her movement rouses Whorelando.  He sits up straight in his seat and his eyes wander to her legs.

Slapparr puts down the magazine, unbuckles her safety belt and stands up.  She walks down the aisle towards the restroom.  Whorelando watches with renewed interest, his eyes drinking in her form.  A few minutes later when she returns to her seat, he catches her eye and gives her a grin.  Tucking her hair behind one ear, she smiles back at him, then sits down, picks up her magazine and begins flicking through it again.

Viggo has seen this whole exchange and watches as Whorelando rises from his seat  and goes to sit next to Slapparr.

Whorelando:  Whatcha reading?

Slapparr:  Vogue.  I’m not really reading it, though.  Just looking at the pretty pictures.

Whorelando:  Anything interesting in it?

Slapparr:  There’s no pictures of the cabbytch, if that’s what you’re asking.

Whorelando:  They’d hardly be pretty pictures, would they?  They’d be more akin to a horror novel.

Slapparr:  (smiling)  So you really don’t care for her, then?

Whorelando:  No.  I don’t care for her at all.  I care more for the people on this plane.

Slapparr:  You have a funny way of showing it.  You seem to have done a good job of alienating those people who care about you.

Whorelando:  I’d really like to make it up to those people.  If you catch my meaning.

Slapparr:  Sex won’t fix your problem.

Whorelando:  So you won’t do it with me either?

Slapparr:  I said nothing of the sort.  All I said is that sex won’t fix your problem.  Thought I’m sure you’ll have some fun trying.

Whorelando:  Well then, how do you feel about….

Whorelando leans towards Slapparr and starts to whisper his plans into her ear, but he is disturbed by a tap on the shoulder.  He looks over his shoulder, feeling annoyed and realises that Viggo is standing behind him, waiting.

Viggo:  Elf Boy, how about a drink?

Whorelando:  Viggo, I was sort of in the middle of a conversation with Slapparr.

Viggo:  There’s hours left of the flight to talk to Slapparr.  I want to have a drink with my mate.  Come on.  There’s vodka.

Whorelando leaps to his feet.

Whorelandlo:  (to Slapparr)  Sorry love.  I’ll be back in a while.  Just going…

Slapparr:  To the pub with your mate.  Yeah, I know how it works.

The two men walk off down the aisle, side by side, Viggo’s arm draped loosely around Whorelando’s shoulders.  They walk in the direction of the bar, but just before they get there, Viggo opens the restroom door with one hand and drags Whorelando in with him.

Whorelando:  (alarmed)  Viggo, what are you doing?  I didn’t think you liked me like that!

Viggo:  I don’t like you like that, you fool!  I like women.  But I need to have a talk with you.  In private.

Viggo locks the cubicle door and then turns on the younger man.

Viggo:  What are you doing?

Whorelando:  What do you mean, what am I doing?  I’m flying to Moscow.

Viggo:  No, no, no!  I don’t mean now.  I mean what are you doing?  With the girls?

Whorelando:  (rolling his eyes and speaking slowly)  I’m flying to Moscow.

Viggo:  Christ!  Can you really be that dumb?  No, I mean with the girls.  You’re knocking them off one by one!  Why?  No wonder they call you Whore – lando.

Whorelando:  They do?

Viggo:  Maybe you are that dumb.  Yes!  It’s kind of fitting, don’t you think?  In light of the fact that you’re shagging them all.  Are you marking them off some sort of bizarre list?

Whorelando:  No, there’s no list.  Viggo, I really don’t….

Viggo:  Slapparr is next, isn’t she?  I saw you making eyes at her.  I’m surprised you can walk.  Icarus, Vy and Slapparr all in one day.

Whorelando:  Well I haven’t done Slapparr yet.

Viggo clips Whorelando up the back of the head.

Viggo:  You’re not Ron Jeremy, you know!

Whorelando:  No, I’m much less hairy.  And nowhere near as fat.

Viggo slaps him up the back of the head again.

Whorelando:  Oi!  Watch it!

Viggo:  Look.  The girls are trying to save your scrawny little arse.  No matter how many times the dingHo steals you back, they all turn up again and try to save you.  Time after time I’ve seen them do it.  They put their own safety on the line to save you.  But somehow you always end up back with the cabbytch.  She really does look like a cabbage patch kid, you know.  I’m beginning to think that you like stringing these girls along.  That you really have no intention what so ever of breaking up with the dingHo.  I think you really enjoy the attention the girls give you when they’re trying to pry you from the slobbering jaws of that wild dog.

Whorelando:  (eyes wide in shock at what Viggo has accused him of)  I cannot believe you’d say that about me.  I thought we were friends.  I thought…., ohhhhh, hang on!  I know what all this is about.  You’re jealous!

Viggo:  Jealous?  I’m jealous?  Of you?

Whorelando:  Of course you are.  I’ve shagged half the women on this plane.  And one of them turned you down not even an hour ago.

Viggo grabs Whorelando by the front of his shirt and slams him up against the locked restroom door.

Whorelando:  You’re hurting me!

Viggo:  (his face right in Whorelando’s)  Look here, you arrogant little pip squeak.  I couldn’t be less jealous of someone if I tried.  I’m trying to help you.  That’s what friends do for each other.  And I’m your friend.  I care about you.  I’m trying to tell you that if you keep treating those girls badly, one of these days they’re going to stop coming to your rescue.  No matter how loudly you scream, they won’t hear you anymore.  They deserve better than what you’re giving them.  So you need to grow up and be a man.  Not a spoilt little boy.

Viggo releases Whorelando from his grip and straightens the younger man’s shirt.

Viggo:  Now, are we going to get that drink?

Whorelando:  You promised me a vodka.

Viggo:  Yes, I did, didn’t I?

Whorelando:  You’re not going to man handle me again, are you?

Viggo:  I told you, I like women.

Whorelando:  (smiling teasingly)  Pity they don’t like you back, Filthy Human!

Before Viggo has a chance to slap him up the back of the head again, Whorelando unlocks the restroom door, throws it open and runs out into the hallway of the plane.  He darts towards the bar with Viggo hot on his heels.  Viggo catches up with him at the bar and wraps his arms around the younger man in a friendly bear hug.  Whorelando can be heard giggling from further back in the plane where the Whorely Trinitas and their companions sit.  They have all witnessed this show of affection between the two men.

Mystic:  Oh my God!  Much as I’ve hoped and prayed for this moment, I never truly thought I’d see it.  Viggo and Whorely have joined the Mile High Club!

The other girls look at Mystic, then at Whorelando and Viggo and then back to Mystic again.

Wanda:  I always figured he was a little bit bi.  Oh well.  I’d still shag him.

Shortly afterwards all on board Blue Star Airlines are advised by the pilot that dinner is to be served.  A dining area has been set up at the front of the plane next to the bar and everyone makes their way to the front end to be seated around the dining table.  The three courses are served one after the other and sitting at the table is like being at a raucous dinner party.

And after the raucous dinner party, the guests move on to the raucous bar where they party long into the evening. 

Joders downs the last of her vodka and lime, puts her empty glass on the dining table and walks back towards her seat.  It has been a long day and Joders is tired.  And happily tipsy.  She needs a little sleep before the next days activities begin to unfold.

She becomes aware of the sound of footsteps in the hallway behind her and looks over her shoulder.  Viggo is walking behind her.

Viggo:  Sorry Joders.  Didn’t scare you did I?

Joders:  (slurring slightly)  No.  Why are you flowli, ummm, fowlo, damnit, why are you walking after me?

Viggo:  I just wanted to make sure you got back to your seat safely.  You looked a little unsteady.

Joders:  You know Virgo, I’ve been thinking….

Viggo:  Have you?  What about?

Joders:  (blinking to focus on the man standing in front of her)  You.  Us.  The restroom.

Viggo:  Oh, the restroom.

Joders:  Its not as big as my lino, ummmm, my lilo, errrmm, that room I keep my towels in, but I’m sure….

Viggo:  (interrupting Joders)  I’m sure too.

Joders:  You wouldn’t take advantage of me in my intexo, ummmm, untaxing, ohhhh, in my drunken stupour, would you, Virgo?

Viggo:  Of course not!  Never!  I’m not that sort of man.

Joders:  (completely lucidly)  Well, that’s a shame.  I was really hoping to be taken advantage of.

Viggo:  Why didn’t you say so?  I’m not a bloody mind reader you know.

Joders:  So you’ll want me to give you instructions, then?

Viggo:  (smiling)  If that’s what turns you on.

Joders:  (taking Viggo by the hand and leading him towards the back of the plane)  Guess you’re just about to find out, aren’t you?

Viggo:  Why are we going to the back of the plane?

Joders:  Because I’m fairly sure Whorelando and Slapparr will be in the restroom at the front of the plane.

When Joders and Viggo return to their seats almost an hour later, everyone is settled in for the night, having reclined their seats.  Slapparr turns restlessly in the reclined seat that is now her bed.  Joders can tell she has been waiting for everyone to fall asleep before she and Whorelando lock themselves in the restroom for 36 minutes.

Sure enough, as soon as Joders is resting in her bed with the blanket pulled up under her chin, Slapparr rises and pads quietly across the aisle to Whorelando’s bed.

Slapparr:  Whorely?

Whorelando:  (sleepily)  Hmmmm?

Slapparr:  It’s time.

Whorelando:  Time for what?

Slapparr:  The restroom.

Whorelando:  (turning over to get more comfortable)  You’re a big girl, Slapparr.  You can go to the restroom by yourself.  You don’t need me to hold your hand.

Slapparr:  (impatiently)  No, but there’s an appendage of yours I want to hold in my hand.

Whorelando:  (sounding shocked )  What?!

Slapparr: You’re supposed to initiate me into the Mile High Club.  Are you coming or not?

Whorelando:  (suddenly remembering his promise)  In about 34 minutes….

Whorelando leaps from his bed, grabs Slapparrs hand and they hurry down the aisle to the restroom.

Joders hears the soft click of the lock turning.  She smiles to herself, turns over and closes her eyes, waiting for sleep to claim her.

17 November 2009 – 7:30am

The group of travellers are roused from their sleep by an announcement from the pilot, informing them that the plane will soon begin it’s descent into Moscow and that coffee and tea was available at the bar.

Wanda:  Oh, thank God!  I need a coffee.  My head!

Jaded:  I feel fine.  Great, actually!

Anners:  Shut up, Jaded.  It’s not fair.  I feel like crap.  Mystic, that is the last time I try to match you shot for shot.

Mystic:  If it’s any consolation Anners, I feel pretty ordinary myself.  I think I need to immerse myself in coffee.

Joders:  I’m glad to see everyone sounds so chipper!  I feel fantastic!  That’s the best nights sleep I’ve had in ages.

Slapparr:  Good sex will do that for you.  Right Joders?

Joders:  I have no idea what you’re talking about, Slapparr.  You, on the other hand….

Slapparr:  I know all about it because I’m married.

Viggo and Whorelando try unsuccessfully to control their snorts of laughter.

Jaded:  You two are so transparent.  We all know what you were doing in the restroom with each other yesterday.

This time the boys laugh out loud.  And Joders and Slapparr look at each other and smile knowingly.

17 November 2009 – 9am

By 9am, Whorelando, Viggo, the Whorely Trinitas and their companions have alighted from the plane, have been processed through customs and begin to make their way into the arrivals lounge.

Standing in the lounge holding a sign with the word Trinitas written on it is a very familiar face.

Wanda:  What the hell are you doing here?

Familiar Person:  Well, that’s a fine way to greet a friend!

Who is waiting for the Whorely Trinitas and their travelling companions?  Other than test driving a Land Drover, what will everyone get up to in Russia?  And who will be next on Whorelando’s list?  Stay tuned for more excitement in the next thrilling chaper of Here We Go Again.