On Thursday night a young woman by the name of Katherine Keating attended a Halloween party in Sydney which was hosted by Absolut Vodka.  She was dressed as Any Winehouse.  And she seemed to be channelling Amy’s attitude as well.

Now, I don’t expect anyone to know who Katherine Keating is.  But here in Australia she has a very minor celebrity status.  I don’t really know what she does for a living.  But her dad is former Australian Prime Minister, Paul Keating.

At this Halloween party, a photograph was taken of Katherine for the Sunday Telegraph’s social pages.  Katherine lost her temper with the photographer, grabbing her arm and threatening to throw her down the stairs.

“That’s an illegal photo – you have to delete it,” she said.

“Do you want me to throw you down the stairs and kill you?

“I’m going to make your life a living hell if you don’t delete it, and you will regret  it forever.”

As the photographer turned away, Katherine kicked her in the shins.

Here’s the full article just so you can see I’m not making this up.

Katherine has been a bit of a regular on the social scene over the last 10 years.  And in the past few months she’s been happy as a clam to pose for photos at other social events.

Here’s where it starts to get more intersting.  And here’s where Miranda might end up with egg on her face.

After the story about his daughter broke, former Prime Minister Paul Keating issued a statement suggesting that privacy laws in Australia should be changed so that media organisations would have to gain a person’s permission before publishing a photograph or a story deemed to involve their private life.

All well and good.

Except for Australia’s favourite supermodel.  Everytime she is interviewed, Miranda Kerr cannot help but open her big, fat, trap and comment about her truly loving relationship with Orlando Bloom, even though she proclaims to be a private person who doesn’t like to talk about her private life.  And they appear together regularly in photographs.  And whether he’s in the photos with her or she’s by herself, she still seems to be referred to mainly as Orlando Bloom’s girlfriend (or more recently, my most favourite yet, the place where Orlando Bloom parks his penis).  So technically just about everything that is printed (articles or photos) about Miranda Kerr is alluding to her private life.

Which means, of course, that should these new laws be passed, Miranda would have to give permission to the media to print articles and photos of herself.  This in turn would shatter the image she has tried to build for herself as an honest, down to earth, country girl who is fiercely protective of her privacy.

But it also puts her in a quandry.  Because if she doesn’t give her permission in order to maintain the allusion of privacy, then there’ll be no more articles on Miranda in Australia.  No more photos of her either. 

Oh my God!  No more papp set ups in Australia, no more publicity!  It would just about kill her if the Australian media didn’t fawn all over her like she’s some sort of superstar.

I’ll leave you with the “immortalised in writing” words of commenter James from Sydney….

Pass the law now so as we can stop being bombarded by pictures of so called “celebrities”. I try to avoid seeing them but every time you turn on the telly, pick up the paper or purchase a piece of news related literature you have these people staring back at you banging on about one thing or another. Most of them are extremely dull and the balance are dim witted.

I just can’t decide if Miranda Kerr is extremely dull or dimwitted

 After an excitement filled day of sight seeing and test driving Land Rovers, the Whorely Trinitas,Whorely and their companions are pleased to be booked in to the Red Square Baltschug Restaurant for a quiet evening meal.

The Restaurant faces their 5 star hotel and also has sweeping views of the Moskva River.  Joders finds the view of the water relaxing.  In fact, tonight she is feeling the most relaxed she has been since before saving Whorelando on Halloween nearly three weeks ago.  But she knows this relaxed state will not last long.  She and the other two thirds of the Whorely Trinitas have to get Whorelando back into the United States and come up with a way of keeping him away from the dingHo.  Permanently.

Joders peruses the menu but has no clue what any of the meals actually are since the menu is all in Russian.  All she knows is that the cuisine centres around European and local Russian bounty.  For all she knows she could be ordering Russian Squirrel.

Joders:  I have no clue what any of these meals are.  Viggo can you order for me please?  And I don’t want to know what it is, especially after I’ve started eating it.  Don’t go telling me I’ve just eaten tongue or brain or quail or something when I’ve emptied my plate.

Viggo:  (laughing)  I wouldn’t do that to you, Joders.

Joders:  (looking at him suspiciously)  Just order me a vegetarian meal.  No meat.  I’m not taking any chances.

While the group waits for their meals, Joders orders 2 bottles of Flagship Flagman Vodka plus an assortment of Novskoye and Baltika Russian Beers.  The alcohol sits on the table with the carafes of water and jugs of soda.

Joders sips on her vodka and watches her companions as they chat happily amongst themselves.  In the morning when she returns to the US with Daners, Anners, Wanda and Whorely, the rest of the group will return to their respective homes.  Joders will be sad to see everyone go their separate ways, but should she need their help again, she knows she can count on her friends.

Part way through their meals, Whorely pauses.

Whorely:  (with hope in his voice)  Do you think I’m saved?  From the dingHo, I mean?  Do you think I’ll be safe when we go back to Los Angeles?

The Whorely Trinitas look at each other briefly.

Anners:  I don’t think you’ll be safe until the dingHo poses no further threat to you.

Whorely:  (looking downcast)  How long will that take?

Wanda:  We don’t really know.  Short of Joders buying Victoria’s Secret and David Jones to ensure the dingHo never works again, we don’t know how long we’ll have to keep you safe.

Whorely sighs heavily.

Joders:  Aren’t you having fun staying with us?  I thought you were having a great time.  Travelling, test driving, sleeping around…

Whorelando:  (smiling)  Well, yeah, that has been fun.  And I love being with you girls.  Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think I’d meet the Whorely Trinitas, let alone live with them, travel with them and have them try to save me.  But I don’t really want to live in hiding for the rest of my life.

Anners:  We’ll do our best to get your life back to normal as soon as we can.

Wanda:  And we’ll try not to break the law too many times to do it.

Joders:  And we’ll try not to get sent to gaol.

Whorelando:  (sounding alarmed)  Gaol?  I can’t go to gaol!

Joders:  I’m kidding Whorely!  Anyway, we’d make sure you got put into solitary confinement.  But you’d have to make sure you don’t drop the soap in the shower, okay?

Whorelando sprays vodka out through his mouth and nose and begins coughing violently.

Wanda hits him on the back between his shoulder blades.

Wanda:  Breathe Whorelando, breathe!

Daners:  Why is he so shocked?  I thought he liked it up….

Anners:  Daners!

Daners:  In the shower, I was going to say in the shower!

Viggo:  I don’t really care for it in the shower.  It’s too slippery and wet.

Joders:  (to herself)  Slippery and wet can be fun sometimes.

Anners:  I heard that Joders.

Joders:  (grinning)  Tell me it isn’t true.

Anners:  Ummm, don’t think I can.

The girls snort with laughter.

Whorelando:  (still spluttering)  What’s so funny?  You’re laughing and I’m choking to death.  I don’t think that’s funny at all.

Some hours later our revellers are still sitting at the table, drinking.

Mystic:  (putting her empty glass down) If I don’t stop drinking I’m gonna have a headache like when I got smashed on the head with that tub of Body Shop Mango Body Butter.  I’m done guys, I’m going to bed.  See you all in the morning.

Slapparr:  Really?  Already Mystic?  The party’s just getting started.

Jaded:  (singing)  Iiiiii’mmm coming up, so you better get the party started!  I’m coming up!

Mystic:  (laughing) Don’t quit your day job, Jaded!

Jaded:  Yeah, I don’t think P!nk has got anything to be worried about.

Whorelando:  (looking slightly the worse for wear)  Iiiiii’mmm coming up, Iiiiiiii’mmm coming up….

Mystic:  G’night Whorelando.

Whorelando:  Where you going, Mystic?

Mystic:  Back to my hotel room, to bed.

Whorelando:  (growing emotional) But if you go to bed, then it will be morning and we’ll all be split up.

Wanda:  Oh, a drunk and emotional Whorely.  It doesn’t get any better than this.

Joders:  Be gentle Wanda.

Wanda puts her arm around Whorelando’s shoulders and hugs him.

Wanda:  I think it’s time for bed for you.

Whorelando:  (growing tearful)  But…

Wanda:  Yes, I know.  If you go to bed, it will be morning and we’ll all be split up.  (softly) So we’d better make tonight count.

Joders watches as Wanda supports a happily tipsy Whorelando out of the restaurant then calls for another bottle of vodka.  She pours herself another glass and passes the bottle around to the rest of her group.

Half an hour later Viggo stands up.

Viggo:  I really have to go to bed.  I’m too old for this partying all night gig.

He looks towards Joders.

Viggo:  I think you should go to bed too.  It’s been a big 3 weeks for you and it won’t get any easier.  Why don’t you try to get some rest?

Joders surveys her friends and realises just how tired she is.

She gets to her feet and pushes her chair under the table.

Slapparr:  Nooo!  You can go to bed yet Joders!

Jaded:  The party’s in full swing Joders, you can’t go!

Joders looks to Anners and Daners who both appear to have found their second wind.

Joders:  I really am tired.  So I really am going to bed.  I’ll see you all in the morning.

Viggo and Joders leave the restaurant, only pausing long enough for Joders to pay the bill for the meal and the alcohol.  On their way out the door, Joders looks over her shoulder at her friends.  They are still drinking and laughing.  She smiles to herself and joins Viggo on the footpath outside where he is waiting for her.

Joders:  Ooh, it’s a bit brisk out here!

Viggo drapes his coat around Joders’ shoulders and directs her across the street to the hotel.

Joders:  That was really sweet of you,Viggo.  The coat and helping me across the road.

Viggo:  (shrugging his shoulders)  Well, you know, the Russians are crazy drivers, I didn’t want you to get run over this close to going home.  Or to freeze to death.

Joders:  That’s nice to know.  I thought you did it because you’re a boy scout and you mistook me for a granny.

Viggo:  (shaking his head)  Do you take anything seriously?

Joders:  I am being serious.

They share the elevator to their floor of the hotel and Viggo follows Joders up the hallway to her suite.  She begins to swipe her plastic key card through the door lock and realises Viggo is still standing behind her.

Joders:  Your room is down the other end of the hallway Viggo.  Do you need me to help get you there?

Viggo:  No.  Of course not.  I was just making sure you got safely to your room.

Joders pushes her door open and looks at Viggo over her shoulder.

Joders:  I’m really tired, but I’m not sure I can sleep.  I’m worried about this saving Whorelando thing.  I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it work.

Viggo:  I might be able to help you get to sleep.  There’s this old remedy I heard about.

Viggo leans in close and whispers in Joders’ ear.

Joders:  (smiling)  Ooooh, Viggo!  Are you sure that will work?

Viggo:  We can only try, Joders.

Joders:  How many times do you think we’ll need to try until we know it works?

Viggo:  As many as it takes, I suppose.

Joders:  Wow!  More than once, then?

Viggo:  (smiling and pushing Joders gently into her suite)  I’m not like 36 minute man next door you know.

Joders and Viggo disappear into the darkness of her hotel room.

At 3am Joders is stirred from a restful sleep by noises coming from the suite next door.  Wanda and Whorelando’s suite.  Joders turns over and tries to go back to sleep again but she can still hear everything that’s going on next door.  Joders turns over again and pulls her pillow over her head.  But still the sounds disturb her.

Joders sits up in bed and surveys Viggo, sleeping peacefully next to her.  She prods him gently on the arm to see if he’s awake.  Viggo murmurs something in his sleep and turns onto his other side.  Not satisfied, Joders pokes him again.

Joders:  (whispering)  Viggo.

Viggo murmurs again, but does not wake.

Joders:  (a little louder)  Viggo?  Are you awake?

Viggo:  (mumbling)  Go back to sleep Joders.

Joders:  I can’t sleep with that racket coming from next door.  Can’t you hear it?

Viggo:  (voice still thick with sleep)  They’re having sex….

Joders:  I know what they’re doing, Viggo.  But they’re really bloody noisy and I can’t sleep.

Viggo:  Put your pillow over your head.

Joders:  I tried that already.

Joders climbs out of bed and walks towards the wall between her suite and Wanda’s.

Viggo:  What are you doing?

Joders:  I’m going to bash on the wall and yell at them.

Viggo:  Come back to bed.

Joders raises her fist and prepares to bash on the shared wall but before she gets a chance she is interrupted by a scream coming from the room next door.

Wanda:  What?  What the hell was that?

Whorelando:  I’m done.

Wanda:  You’re done?  Already?  Is that it?

Whorelando:  Check your watch, Wanda.  36 minutes.

Wanda:  Already?  Are you sure?

Whorelando lifts up the bedsheet and survyes his nether region.

Whorelando:  Yep.  I’m sure.

Wanda also lifts up the bedsheet and has a look.

Wanda:  Yep.  You’re done alright.  Okay then.

Wanda gets out of bed and walks to her open suitcase.

Whorelando:  Where are you going?  Why aren’t you staying in bed?  Don’t you want to snuggle?

Wanda:  Snuggle?  Are you serious?  I’m looking for my portable hand held shower.  I’ll be in the bathroom if you’re looking for me.

Joders drops her raised hand and sighs.

Viggo:  Joders?

Joders:  Hmmm?

Viggo:  You’re not wearing anything.

Joders:  You might be too old to party all night, but there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.

Viggo:  Why don’t you come back to bed.  I think I need to try that remedy again.

Joders:  Again?  Really?

Viggo throws back the bedcovers to accept Joders back into bed and Joders cops an eyeful of his burgeoning manhood.

Joders:  (smiling)  Oooh, Viggo.

Sometime later Wanda exits the bathroom and places her portable hand held shower back into her suitcase.  She looks towards the bed where Whorelando is sleeping peacefully, a look of contentment on his face.

Wanda:  (to herself)  Who’d have thought he’d be so easily pleased?

Wanda is suddenly aware of some interesting sounds coming from Joders’ suite.

Wanda:  You can’t be serious!

Wanda listens, to be sure of what she thinks she’s hearing.  All too soon she realises exactly what is going on next door.

Wanda:  Bloody hell!  Some people have no respect.

Wanda marches up to the wall between her suite and Joders’ suite and bashes loudly on the wall.

Wanda:  Gimme a break guys!  Keep it down in there!  Some people are trying to sleep!

Joders:  (to Viggo)  Keep it down?  A bit late for that I think.

Viggo and Joders laugh raucously.  Wanda shakes her head in disgust, sighs, then climbs back into bed beside a slumbering Whorelando.  She pulls her pillow over her head to block out the sounds coming from the room next door.

18 November 2008

Tuesday morning Joders and her mates are gathered at the airport in Moscow preparing to depart for their various destinations.

Viggo is off to Hungary to finish up some last minute post production work on his film Good.  Jaded is going in the same direction.  Slapparr is flying home to the UK and Mystic is flying direct to Florida.  Wanda is taking Whorelando home to NY with her.  Anners and Daners are going direct to LA.  Joders is supposed to be on the flight with them.  But she is just about to break some unexpected news to her friends.

Joders:  It’s sad to say goodbye to everyone.

Viggo:  Oh, I think we’ll see each other again.

Joders regards Viggo from under one raised eyebrow.

Viggo:  All of us, we’ll all see each other again.  That’s what I meant.

Jaded:  (to Slapparr)  Something weird is going on between those two.  They’ve been weird all morning.

Slapparr:  I noticed it too.  But I just can’t put my finger on it.

Jaded:  I think he put more than his finger on her.

Slapparr is silent for a minute then bursts into snorting laughter.

Joders:  Let’s just hope that next time I see you all, no more saving will be needed.

Daners looks at Joders, a slightly confused expression on her face.

Daners:  But you’ll see Anners and me when we get on the plane.

Joders:  Actually, no.  No, I won’t.

Anners:  What do you mean, no?  I don’t understand.

Joders:  I’ve decided to go back home to Australia for a little while.

Whorelando:  But?  But, you can’t.  What will I do without you?

Mystic:  Wanda will look after you, Whorelando.  You don’t have anything to worry about.

Wanda:  Is everything okay Joders?

Joders:  (smiling)  Yeah.  It’s all as good as it can be.  I just need to go home and get myself together.  Do some thinking.  Come up with a super plan to get rid of the dingHo.  I’ll be back before you even realise I’m gone.

Joders and her friends bid each other farewell and head off in seperate directions to various departure gates.

18 November 2008 – 12 midday in NYC

A group of people sit around a small dining table in a small apartment in the Chelsea district of NYC.  One of the group is getting a dressing down from the leader.

dingHo:  Eye givv ewe won simpull taske and ewe goh and stuph itt upp.  Howe dumm arr ewe?  Eye mussed hav gottun orl thee braynz and orl the byooty in thee famly.

Poostayn:  Thatz nott fare!  Howe wuz eye supost too noe evrywon wuz goe-ing inn diffrunt direckshuns?

Julie s:  Joders is on her way back to Australia.  Do you think Whorelando is with her?

dingHo:  Shee woodent dair tayke him bak tu Ozstraya.  Ozstraya iz mye hoamlande.

Tim the Photog:  Ummm, Joders is actually Australian too, you know.

dingHo:  (shooting a withering glare at Tim)  Butt eyem moor fame-uss.

Tim the Photog:  But Joders is richer.

dingHo:  Whooz syde arr ewe on?  Doant forgett whooz paying ur celeri.

Tim the Photog:  (sighing)  How many times do I have to tell you I’m dead?  I don’t need to be paid a celeri, errrmmm, I mean salary.

Lola:  Just ignore him Randa.  You’re stunning and smart.  Much smarter than Joders.

Julie S:  Waaaaay smarter than Joders.  When we get Whorelando back, she’ll have no chance of seeing him ever again.

dingHo:  (turning on her brother)  Wott arr ewe doo-ing?  Yore sapposte tu bee helping mee gett Horelandoe bak.

Poostayn:  Eye amm.

dingHo:  Noe, yore tecksting onn yore blakberree.

Poostayn:  Noe, eyem foloe-ing Maefraene onn herr twattah.

Samson:  Ummmm, I think you mean twitter.

dingHo:  Whye wood ewe want tu foloe Maefraene?

Poostayn:  Beecorz shee noes evrythink.  Sheez orlwayz thee furst tuu poast pikchas and stuff.  Sheel noe whare Hawlandoe izz.

Minutes later, Poostayn smiles triumphantly at his sister.  He is never more pleased than when he is able to one up her.

Poostayn:  Lissen tuu thiss.  Sum bloak corling himmselfe Gorebychov haz jussed twattuherd that Hawlandoe wuz ceen boreding a playn inn Mosscoe wyth ann unniden, ummmm, indun, ohhhh, phukkit!  Wyth a straynge woomin.  Thee playn woz goeing tuu Noo Yoark.

Tim the Photog:  I think you mean twee, ohhhhh, never mind.

dingHo:  (an evil smile spreading across her face)  Well dun, Mattspue.  Wot a stroak uvv luk.  Looks lyke wheel bee mayking upp a wellcuming cummittie fore Horelandoe at Jaye Eph Kaie.

An hour later Wanda and Whorelando are standing at the luggage carousel waiting for their luggage.

Wanda:  God, it’s so good to be home.  I cannot wait to sleep in my own bed.

Whorelando:  Where will I be sleeping, Wanda?

Wanda:  The spare room.

Whorelando:  But, won’t I be sharing with you?

Wanda:  Ummm, I’m married.  I’ll be sharing with my husband.  Mr Rizzuto.  Remember him?

Whorelando:  Oh yeah!  I forgot you’re married.  I think you might have forgotten for about 36 minutes last night, too.

Wanda:  That’s gonna have to be our little secret, okay?  Whisper one word of that to my husband and I’ll castrate you.  I think you’d make a fine eunuch.

Whorelando looks sideways at Wanda, trying to tell if she’s serious.

Wanda:  I’m serious.  I’m not kidding.  And you don’t really want to test me to find out.

Wanda’s luggage rolls around on the carousel.  She grabs it and pulls it onto the floor.

She begins to speak again but is distracted by a crackling message over the intercom inside the terminal.

Airport Staff:  ……Rizzuto.  I repeat if passenger Wanda Rizzuto is still in the air terminal, please approach United Airlines Desk 3.  You have an urgent phone call.  Paging Wanda Rizzuto…

Wanda:  Shit!  Whorelando, you’ve got to come with me.

Whorelando:  But I don’t have my bag.  I can’t leave without my bag.  It’s got my favourite grey cable knit jumper in it!

Wanda:  (sighing)  Alright then.  Stay right here.  Do not move from this spot, except to get your bag off the carousel.  I’ll be right back.

Wanda leaves Whorelando standing in the luggage collection area and dragging her own suitcase behind her, she heads off in the direction of Desk 3.

As soon as Wanda is out of sight, the dingHo emerges from the crowd and walks purposefully towards Whorelando.

Whorelando meanwhile has spotted his bag and he pulls it from the carousel, then turns to walk towards the rows of seats in the waiting area.  He sees the dingHo and gasps loudly in shock.

dingHo:  hulloh Horely.  Eyev mist ewe.  And eye noe yoove mist mee tuu.  Rite, luvahh?

Whorelando:  (voice shaking)  What are you doing here?  How did you know where to find me?

dingHo:  Yude bee supr-eyezed wot eye noe.  (rolling the butterfly pendant between her fingers)  Lyke howe eye thinke eye mite kneed tu uze thiss buttahflie soona rartha than latuh.  Ewe reemembuh wotz inn thee buttahflie, dont ewe?

Whorelando:  Please don’t.  Please don’t open the butterfly.

dingHo:  Shoew mee howe mutch ewe dont wante mee tu oppun thee buttahflie, Horely.  Shoew mee.  Dont bee sheye.

The dingHo walks right up to Whorelando, until her nose is almost touching his.  He closes his eyes, swallows hard, then kisses her, full on the lips.  She clutches the back of his neck with her hairy dingHo paw, pulls him against her and thrusts her tongue into his mouth.  She finds it difficult to push her tongue past his clenched teeth.

dingHo:  (whispering)  Reemembuh thee buttahflie, Horelandoe.

He unclenches his teeth and tries not to gag as she sticks her tongue deep into his mouth.

When she finally pulls away, Whorelando wipes his mouth furiously on his sleeve.

dingHo:  Itz tyme tu goh, dahlinge.  Bakk hoam wyth mee, ware ewe beelonge.

Whorelando:  I belong with the Whorely Trinitas.

dingHo:  Wen eye giv burthe tu yore chylde, ewe wont wante tu bee aniwhare butt wythe mee.  Nowe, cumm onn.  Thares noe tyme tu waist.

The dingHo grabs his hand and begins to lead him, forcefully, from the luggage collection area.

Whorelando:  My bag!  It’s got my favourite grey cable knit jumper in it.

dingHo:  Foreghet yoar bagg.  Eyell bye ewe  woteva ewe wante, brand nue.

Only minutes later, Wanda arrives back at the luggage collection area, shaking her head.  When she got to United Airlines Desk 3 and announced herself as Wanda Rizzuto, reporting to take an urgent phone call, she was informed that there was no such phone call and that no staff from United Airlines had ordered the announcement.

When she sees Whorelando’s abandoned suitcase sitting by the still turning luggage carousel, Wanda’s heart drops into her stomach.

Wanda:  Whorelando?  Whorely?  Where are you?

Lola:  (stepping out of the crowd, towards the carousel, as if she is waiting for luggage and speaking to Julie S)  I can’t believe I just saw Whorelando Bloom.  He is sooooooo good looking.  And then his girlfriend turned up.  They were sooooo happy to be reunited.  I’m sure he got tongue when they kissed.  Miranda Kerr is sooooo stunning.

At the words Miranda Kerr and stunning used in the same sentence, Wanda swings around, towards the voices.

Julie S:  I know!  She is simply stunning!  And did you see how happy they were to see each other?  They are sooooo in love.  They couldn’t leave the airport quick enough!  They had their hands all over each other and didn’t care who saw them!

Wanda grabs Whorelando’s bag and as she hurries towards the airport exit, she is desperately dialling a familiar phone number.

Joders’ plane has just commenced it’s journey from Hong Kong to Sydney when she gets the call.  She listens intently, gives a few instructions, then approaches the cock pit where she speaks briefly with the co-pilot.

She returns to her seat, buckles the seatbelt and looks out the window where she sees the wing of the plane dipping as the plane turns in the sky, changing course for Los Angeles.

20 minutes into her new journey, Joders’ cell phone rings.  It is an unfamiliar number.

Joders:  Hello?

Female voice:  (whispering)  Venice!

Joders:  Pardon?

Female voice:  (a little louder)  Venice!

Joders:  Sorry, did you just say Venice?

Female voice:  (whispering again)  Yes.  Venice!

Joders:  What’s Venice got to do with the price of eggs?

Female voice:  That’s where they are.

Joders:  Where who are?  I mean, where who is?

Female voice:  The dingHo and Whorelando.

Joders:  Who the hell is this?

Female voice:  Megs.

Joders:  What?

Female voice:  (sounding slightly exasperated)  Megs!

Joders:  Who the hell is Megs?

Female voice:  For the love of God, Joders!  It’s Megan Bloody Gale!

Joders:  I don’t understand.  Why would you be telling me where to find the dingHo and Whorelando?

Megan:  Because I cannot stand that whore.

Joders:  Poor Whorely, he’s not that bad.

Megan:  No!  I mean Moronduuhhh.  She’s the dumbest bytch I think I know.  Because of her people have stopped spending their money at David Jones.  Everyone is shopping at Myer because they love Jennifer Hawkins.  To try to fix this gigantic mess she’s made, I’ve had to come out of semi retirement.  I told DJs they should just extend the contract to Whorelando in the first place, but would they listen to me?  Nooooo!  And now look what’s happened!  Anyway, I heard you’re trying to save Whorelando and that you don’t care what you have to do to get him out of the dingHo’s clutches.  And I want to help.  I’d love nothing more than to see her fall flat on her cabbage patch kid face.  So what can I do?

Joders:  Meet me in LA.  I’m amassing my cavalry again.  I need all the help I can get.  Looks like we’re going to Venice.  Welcome to Team Whorely Trinitas, Megan.

So it seems the team is to be reunited much earlier than any of them anticipated.  And it looks like they’re going to Venice.  Will The Whorely Trinitas and their army make it there in time to save Whorelando?  Will they be able to outwit the dingHo?  Who knew Megan Gale wanted in on the action?

Stay tuned for the next episodes of Here We Go Again as this epic adventure finally reaches it’s STUNNING conclusion.

Wait no longer.  I am revealing my secret.

It’s monumental.  Set to change my life as I know it.

Are you ready?  Sitting down?  Holding your breath in anticipation?

Okay, here goes….

I’m having a baby.

Yep.  That’s right.  I’m gearing up to hear the pitter patter of little feet.

Want to see a photo of her?  Oh, I forgot to mention.  I’m having a girl!

This is Cara. Isn't she beautiful? Don't you love the milk moustache?

She was born on 12 October 2009 and I’ll be bringing her home on the afternoon of 22 December after I arrive home from my Grand US Vacation.

but I can’t tell you what it is just yet.

Stay tuned.

42 days

Here we have Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel looking desperately in love with each other.

And here we have Orly and his pet dingHo, errr, ummm, his ummmm, ohhh, his….. how about the thing that calls itself his girlphriend looking desperately in love with each other.  Or something.

So, the differences? 

Somebody? 

Anybody? 

Help me out here, guys?

I mean, I can see the similarities.  Both girls have spotted the paparazzi who have turned up at the pre-arranged time and location and they are both looking very happy with themselves for having organised the papp set up.

And both boys look soooo excited to be there.  And they must have their hands jammed in their pockets so they won’t be tempted to touch their girlphriends up in public.  I mean, they’re both stunning girls.  Every man wants them and every woman wants to be them.  Those blokes have got such willpower to stop themselves from ravishing their girls right there on the street.  Orly especially.

Then there’s the rumours that both Jessica Biel and the dingHo are really men.  I think the rumour about the dingHo might be true.  It would explain a lot about Orly really, wouldn’t it?

There has to be at least one difference, surely?

Oh!  Hang on!  I know!

Justin and Jessica have ended their sham of a relationship.

In fact if you ask Justin’s Nanna he was never in a relationship with Jessica.  As far as Nanna Timberlake is concerned Justin has been single for a long time, he’s a ladies man and he’s not the marrying type.

Meanwhile Orly and the dingHo continue to tool around the world, pretending to work, pretending to be in luuuurve and pretending to be shocked by the presence of the paparazzi.

Does anyone know how to contact Orly’s Nanna?

Anners, it’s your birthday today!

To celebrate, I got you a few things.  Let’s start with some flowers I picked for you….

I nicked em from my neighbours garden, but it's the thought that counts, right?

And how about a cake?

I didn't have time to buy a Ben Barnes stencil, so I had to use the Whorely stencil I had from 2 years ago. At least it was before he got infected with dingHo-itis. Nasty disease, that.

Next I wanted to take you back to your junior year when you used to perv on a certain Guess model in Vogue.  Here’s a baby Beiron Andersson!

Did you know he was 27 when he made it big with Guess? And that he's 44 now? And a photographer? (And this is a very large picture.)

I found another Beiron picture that I thought you might like.  You can thank me later for sifting through hundreds of photos to find just the right one.

Oh my! That's quite a grip he's got on his pole.

I know this man (??) has been a real disappointment but because of him a beautiful frienship was born.

Here he is with his eyes like melted chocolate (ahhh, the good old days!)

I found a couple of Orly candids that I thought you’d like as well.  There’s this one…..

And this one….

And one more so you can remember what Orly used to be like. And what he might be like again. If only

Apparently there’s another young British bloke though?

Benji is a bit of a prude, I'm afraid. This is the closest to a naked Ben Barnes I could find. But I'm sure he's thinking of you in this photo.

That's a big, long sword Ben is holding erect, there. He must be thinking of you again, Anners.

Oooooh! Look Anners! He's waiting for you in the shower!

I also bought you a little gift.  It’s on it’s way in the mail, but I took a photo of it before I posted it.

Hope you like it!

I hope you have a spectacular day today, Anners.  Happy Birthday beautiful girl

This episode of The Randy and Landy Show finds our two young luvahs in Paris, the most romantic city in the world, enjoying each others company and showing everybody just how in luuuurve they are.

I’m not sure they’re actually in love with one another, but that’s another story for another episode.

And there’s bound to be more to come….

Source:  I don’t want your life.com

Make sure the wannabe who never will be arrives in her home country for Christmas, flashing her technology and insisting that her stunt dummy boyfriend (aka the has been who could be again) will be joining her and her family for a very special Christmas (see diagram 1).

diagram 1

Make sure that the stunt dummy boyfriend (aka the has been who could be again) does not enter the home country of the wannabe who never will be, leaving her with a case (in a long line of cases) of egg on her face.

Step 3 coming soon to Inanity.